I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Bill Cosby
Many of us strive to please everyone. Today we will talk about why nothing good will come of it.
This is impossible
It's impossible to please everyone. You can, of course, try, but your attempt will fail miserably.
Remember the good old expression "How many people, so many opinions"? Even if someone considers you the most wonderful person in the world, there will always be someone who will think very differently.
So it is impossible and absolutely unnecessary to strive to please everyone. Otherwise, you can become like Molchalin from Woe from Wit, whose famous line many of us remember from school:
My father bequeathed to me: firstly, to please all people without exception - the owner, where I happen to live, the boss, with whom I will serve, his servant who cleans dresses, the porter, the janitor, to avoid evil, the janitor's dog, so that it is affectionate.
The opinions of others are just opinions, not the ultimate truth.
If you strive to please everyone, then you begin to take to heart everything that other people say about you. Even the smallest remark that another person made to you can spoil your mood for the whole day.
Remember that you don't always have to take what other people say seriously. As someone once said: "A compliment can be said out of pity, and disgusting out of envy."
In any case, all opinions are subjective. Adjusting to those around you, you will live not your own, but someone else's life.
Not all opinions are important to you
Why do you think all these people are so important to you? What difference does it make to you what, by and large, people who are completely strangers to you think about you?
Many of those around you, whose opinions you so exalt, will never give you a helping hand when you are in trouble. Why, some of them won't pick up the phone when you just need to talk to someone. So is it worth considering their opinions so important?
Listen to the opinions and comments of loved ones - those who really care about you. But the advice of all other comrades, who are nobody for you, as well as you for them, push into the background.
It won't make you happy
Many people attach too great importance assessments of others. Relax, because even if most of your acquaintances idolize you, it still won't make you happy.
Happiness lies in inner self-confidence and self-confidence, and not in the opinions of others.
People just love to criticize and judge others.
This is one of the most beloved human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you cling to any of your shortcomings, blunders or mistakes with pleasure.
And no, people will not necessarily do this out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.
Nobody knows you better than yourself. So do not worry about the subjective assessments of others.
You have more important things to do
You have a job, hobbies, close people and a bunch of your own things that need to be done. So why waste time thinking about how to be good for everyone? More important and interesting things are waiting for you.
you can lose yourself
Listening to the opinions of others, trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you can lose your "I".
People will always try to force something on you. A dad who wants you to be a doctor like himself. The mom who urges you to go to law school because she thinks being a lawyer is a lucrative and promising profession. Friends who are going to become great actors and invite you to the theater school for the company.
First, you can't break and please everyone. In any case, someone will have to refuse. And secondly, always ask yourself: “What do I want?”. Do as you see fit, even if you make a mistake - you make YOUR mistake.
You don't owe anything to anyone
You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just like I didn't come here to justify yours.
Frederick Perls
You do not have to strive to please everyone, and you should not care at all that someone out there does not like you.
Live your life.
What do you think about this?
Our problem is that we do not have the ability to dislike other people.
There are such bitter words in the Bible addressed to Man: “Oh, if you were cold or hot! But you, neither cold nor hot, you - warm therefore I will spew you out of my mouth.”
Our world is too concerned with the question of how to win "friends". Moreover, the concept of “friend” has already been devalued to such an extent that it becomes incomprehensible - who else wants to chase such worthless cheap stuff as modern “friendship”. After all, real friends are not won by Carnegie books. Real friends, comrades, are acquired ... in battle. No, I do not in any way deny the usefulness of Carnegie's ideas and do not urge you to learn the art of making enemies.
Or maybe you thought I was completely crazy...
There is a great saying: "I am not a gold piece of gold to please everyone." The only pity is that this saying is most often abused by those who constantly tilt their "boat" in the opposite direction - in the direction of making enemies for themselves. Here, he did some nasty thing to a person, spread Evil around him, and immediately in self-justification: “I, they say, am not a gold piece of gold.” Yes, you are not a gold piece of gold, friend, you are a walking Voldemort, and your place is in the Azkaban fortress. And it also happens like this ... I suddenly heard good man something bad about yourself bad people and consoles himself with the same. Yes, somehow it does not console ...
Our problem is that we don't have the skill
not like other people
We are only good at two things:
First: Quietly hate the whole world, suspecting that all people are enemies. AND
Second: To adapt to everyone we meet, suspecting that we ourselves are nothing of ourselves, and therefore we must “try to please” very hard.
But the one who does not trust people in general, out of principle, will never be able to let a real friend into his life. And the one who has no real enemies will never have real allies either.
Imagine such a metaphor, an image of the world:
The world is a football field where two teams play.
In fact, the world, of course, is more complicated - and not two, but many more teams play in it. But for the sake of simplicity, let's imagine that there are two teams.
If you want to get into this world (on this football field) as its active player, then you need to decide for whom (and therefore against whom) you will play. Otherwise, you will be kicked off the field as an outsider interfering with the game process. Like a cat that accidentally wandered into the stadium.
You can, of course, play another role provided for by the rules - the role of an arbitrator. But only bad luck - the arbiter has no allies - he is alone. And besides, a real football referee will go home after the game, to family and friends - he plays the role of a "lone referee" only on the field. And here, if you remember, a football field is a metaphor for everything, everything. And, therefore, you, as a "referee", will have nowhere to go "home, to friends." Your role as a neutral loner will last all the time of your existence allotted to you. You want this, like this, all your life, are you ready for this?
Unfortunately, we can, we want and we are ready. Sociologists say that Russians (that is, you and me) live in an atomized society. What is an "atomized society"? This is a society of people who live in a state of "on their own" and consider this state to be normal. We are not team players. At best, we are only interested in our family. IN worst case- We and our family are not very interested. We are only interested in ourselves. And why is this happening?
The fact is that, frightened by this life, we stop striving for any goals, except for one - to please people. But the one who tries to please everyone is not needed by anyone.
"Whom are you friends against?"
Do you know why teenagers despise the adult world? For the fact that the world of adults is fresh and almost half dead. Adults are not friends with anyone. They have no "against whom" to be friends... No, adults, of course, meet and drink vodka together, discuss various nonsense... but all this makes the most miserable impression on children. After all, “adult companies”, they are not real, you can immediately see it in the boring eyes of the audience!
But now, when adults suddenly light up ... for example, with righteous anger, and begin to unite against Evil (as they understand it), then do something specific, then it becomes immediately interesting with them. Isn’t a grown-up person beautiful who for a moment forgot that he is an adult and... punched a scoundrel in the face, wrinkling his jacket at the same time? eyes? ... Or he began to actively “attach” orphaned kittens (as children love to do!), Not being afraid to drop his “adult” reputation. Or: here an adult went to a rally ... because he was tired ... The air immediately begins to smell like a thunderstorm, ozone appears, it is easy to breathe. Volunteer squads are marching through the streets, singing peppy marching songs...
It was about this that the most important poet of teenagers, Viktor Tsoi, sang:
War is for the young
Wrinkle medicine.
The old ones will not go to war, they have other things to deal with. Yes, and they are afraid ... They have hemorrhoids, arthritis and an interesting evening series.
But why are adults still “better” than children?
Adults in their adult world have civilized methods developed over the centuries to fight Evil for the Truth. These ways are contained in civil institutions that regulate problems without violence, carnage and barricades in the streets of the city. Taken together, this is called civil society. It allows you to solve urgent problems without bringing things to the explosion of a steam boiler.
Adults have all this... But only there is no desire to fight for anything... In children, this desire has not yet disappeared, it has not been repulsed. Only children often do not have the civilized tools to fight. So they solve their problems with the help of a massacre, until the big “good people” explain to them that the most correct position in life is the position “my hut is on the edge”.
Who are creative achievers?
Creative achievers are just those rare adults who have not lost their childish thirst for justice and the desire to do something. Who know how to make friends and hate. Who will not put on a smile "everyone likes me" ...
These adults make laureates Nobel Prizes, big businessmen and politicians, captains and reformers. Such people are confident in their abilities and in their rightness, therefore they always go ahead. How many of these powers do they have? And what is the basis of their self-confidence? Are they the most beautiful, the smartest, the luckiest? Yes, their confidence is not based on anything! Here's what psychologists say about it:
“Self-confidence must be unreasonable. It will create its own cause and attract the right chance.”
As one humorous poem says, "Let's strike with megalomania on the inferiority complex."
When you know how to clearly articulate and pronounce who your enemy is, then like-minded people will soon come to you. When you are a servant of two masters, be afraid that sooner or later you will be "caught" and hanged for double espionage.
For, as the great English artist Reynolds said in his sonnet:
Here, Lermontov and his characters are the idols of teenagers (teenagers of better times). Lermontov knew how to dislike ... And for this, teenagers love him. And adults love it.“I prefer blackness in my eyes,
Than an imitation of the blue of a hyacinth.
But more modern example- Holden Caulfield from Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. It is also loved by teenagers and adults. He generally soaked it! .. For example:
“I swear to God, if I played the piano and these idiots liked me, I would consider it a personal insult.
WE AVOKE THE TEENAGER-REBELLION IN OURSELVES OR "WAR IS A BUSINESS OF THE YOUNG, A MEDICINE AGAINST WRINKLES"
We are adults.
We are no longer "rude" to mean "stupid teachers".
We do not behave "provocatively" in the office of a menacingly roaring head teacher.
We do not ask "uncomfortable questions" to our ancestors (and other adults), who periodically pose as "instructive sages" in front of us.
We no longer wear "terrible" wardrobe items on our body (that is, no, we wear, we wear "terrible wardrobe items" on our body, but ... in a completely different sense of the word "terrible wardrobe item").
We do not allow ourselves to have hairstyles and jewelry for which they threaten to expel us from the Komsomol,
We do not fall in love with any "Svetka" or "Vitalik" ... We have a soul at half past five for many years.
We do not ask what kind of music a person listens to and what books he likes, in order to immediately understand quietly to himself whether he is a bastard or his dude.
We are no longer sure that we will live a life, of course, better than our mom and dad.
We have become warm, and the Angel wants to vomit us out of his mouth.
Right now, we have listed almost all the important points that a person who has not yet crushed a free and natural Personality in himself should allow himself. The man is still young.
To reanimate and revive yourself, you just need to make a program-list of "hooligan cases" for six months and implement them point by point.
And spontaneous cards from the "1000 Ideas" deck will help us, which will give you your personal ideas of revitalization (after all, we will draw the cards with OUR hand).
8 things to do so that you do not say “Woman! Where are you going? There's no one else there!!!"
CASE FIRST
Where is another sad, deceitful and mercenary bribe-taker hiding here - a “stupid teacher”, carrying only a blizzard, how and for what reason should I “get nasty” to her in order to stop this flow of boring blizzard from her lips?
CASE TWO
Who else here imagines himself a monarch, a “formidable head teacher” and how can I behave “provocatively” in his “domains” so that he understands that I am not afraid of him and despise his threats?
CASE THREE
How, to whom and about what can I ask “uncomfortable questions”? Who here imagines himself to be a "wise man" who can "teach" me and knows better than me "how to live"?
CASE FOUR
What kind of "terrifying" thing should I buy and wear? Just not the terrifying thing that all the “terrifyingly decent people” around me are wearing, trying to portray themselves as economically wealthy, feminine-sexy and mentally sane.
CASE FIVE
What should I do with my hair and what accessories should I buy to enhance the spitting effect and keep “that terrifying thing” from point four in the company?
CASE SIX
So! You need to fall in love with someone! Even platonically. At least unrequited. At least for a week! But for real! And let it be even an actor from Indian cinema! Give the patient something. He's almost numb now.
CASE SEVENTH
What about "culture"? Reading a captivating book that turns your world around and listening to an uplifting song?
What am I in Lately read "from books" and listened to "from songs"?
So who am I after that: "cattle" or "my dude"?
CASE EIGHT
I still believe that I will correct the mistakes of my mom and my dad and live my life without making their mistakes and without dealing with their problems - the consequences of these mistakes. How? I will be better! But how? What should I do and where should I look?
You can purchase psychological cards for this exercise in the official online store.
Elena Nazarenko
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Help psychologist Moscow. I don't have to please everyone.
If we approach this problem from the point of view of a psychotherapist and psychologist, then I want to note that clients often come to me for an appointment who try to please everyone and fit in. And when they behave like that, then there comes a moment of aftertaste. They understand that this kind of groveling before others lowers their self-esteem even more, and exacerbates the problem.
Therefore, it is desirable to analyze and resolve this situation, and again, as an experienced psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist, I note that this is typical for almost half of my clients, and often underlies a problematic state in all areas of life: from work to sex.
For example, the first situation that my client from Moscow identified was her behavior in the store. Indeed, sometimes there are such malicious sellers who are trying to dump their negativity on buyers.
In such cases, the client was lost, fell into some kind of stupor, and could not answer anything.
Now she began to remove her problematic state, in return she received a new positive one: “I don’t have to please everyone.” And the girl filled herself with a strange, but quite understandable resource for her: "send people at will" - it was a virtual machine gun.
The next memory was related to her habit of "duck lips" when she was shy, lost, or did not know what to say. At that moment, her voice became unpleasantly high, and she began to mumble something.
Now, in her thirties, the client, in some uncomfortable situation for her, began to behave like a thirteen-year-old girl.
Having worked through the problem, she filled herself with oratory, beautiful speech, diction, and deep voice.
“If you want to be respected, first, and most importantly, respect yourself; Only by self-respect will you make others respect you.”
(F. M. Dostoevsky)
Raymond was working for a Los Angeles electrical wholesaler when the sales manager had to leave town for family reasons. Popular with both clients and colleagues, Raymond proved to be the most suitable candidate for the vacant post.
However, he had no management experience, and he did not know how to approach his new responsibilities. “It was just awful,” Raymond recalled. - I did not want to upset my subordinates and therefore I forgave them many mistakes, correcting them myself later. I didn’t want to go into conflict with anyone, and as a result, they just wiped their feet on me. ” Raymond didn't know how to gain the respect his subordinates needed to make them feel they were responsible for their actions. The result was deplorable: although formally he was the boss, no one considered him as such, and he himself did not feel like one.
After a few months, tired of the conflicts, Raymond began to withdraw into himself, spending more and more time in the office. Meanwhile, some of his subordinates began to openly be rude to customers, complaints from which flew to the owner of the company. Only after receiving a severe reprimand from his superiors, Raymond decided that he had had enough.
Such catastrophic debuts are not uncommon. Novice managers rush to one of the extremes: either they lose control of the situation, because they try to please everyone, or, conversely, push their subordinates to rebellion with their despotism. The first management experience can be a difficult and strange time. However, about the managers trying to please all subordinates wipe their feet, regardless of their experience.
Trying to please people is like a boomerang: the harder you try to please, the more less people you are respected. Such managers are like puppies, demanding attention. At first, their attempts to please look touching, but the further they go, the more they begin to annoy you. I knew one woman who worked so hard to please everyone that those around her actively tried to unbalance her and make her angry. When colleagues brought her to tears, she asked me: “Well, what did I do to deserve such an attitude?”
“You asked for it yourself,” I replied.
“Never regard as useful to you something that will force you someday to break your faith, forget shame, hate another.”
(Marcus Aurelius)
Why do we go out of our way to please others? From the point of view of psychology, this is a fairly simple problem, the roots of which go back to childhood. (Children of alcoholics often grow up to be pleasing people because they early age ready for any sacrifice, just to keep the peace in the family.) If you are trying to please everyone, then in this way you are trying to achieve positive attention, which was not received in childhood. You may also have found that you are able to manipulate teachers and other adults with your "good behavior", "kindness", "politeness", "diligent", or some other way. By pleasing everyone, you were getting the attention you needed.
For you, it has always been a way to control the situation and fight negativity - at least for a while. However, such methods cannot work for a long time, moreover, they lead to failure.
Women are particularly prone to this behavior, since their self-esteem is directly related to relationships with others ("If people like me, then I am something; if no one loves me, then I am worthless"). In men, self-esteem is associated with competence (“If I am competent, I am appreciated; if not, then I am worthless”).
As a rule, people who try to please everyone are prone to the following forms of behavior.
First, they work themselves hard, working from dawn to dusk to earn praise. Secondly, they are pathologically organized - only for the purpose of minimizing the chances of making a mistake in something.
Thirdly, they try never to go into conflict, so as not to upset others. Fourthly, they are sociable, friendly, cheerful, always ready to help in word and deed, optimistic and inventive - because it seems to them that all these traits will help them earn the trust and respect of others.
Fifth, they are always ready to take on new project, humbly accept new tasks and are always ready to respond to the request.
Seems like great quality. In fact, everything is not so simple.
"No" said with deep conviction is better than "yes" said only to please, or worse, to avoid problems.
(Mahatma Gandhi)
If as a child trying to please everyone can lead to success, in adulthood they can give rise to a whole bunch of different problems. Instead of listening to yourself, you have trained yourself to listen to others. It is difficult for you to clearly delineate boundaries in relationships with people. You want to hear “yes” so much that it is very difficult to say “no”. You are taking on too much. You crave love. Perhaps such behavior even put you in frankly dangerous situations. And, worst of all, you lose the respect of the people whose opinions are most important to you and whose approval you are especially persistent in seeking. It's time to stop.
Does this mean that we should stop being polite and friendly? Of course not. This means that it’s time to finally hang a semaphore in front of you: red means “stop”, yellow means “wait”, green means “the road is clear” - and start filtering people through these colored lenses. This means that you need to rebuild the entire system of views. Instead of thinking of yourself as a puppy that wants to be petted, start thinking of yourself as the owner of that puppy—the person you want to respect.
Owners have boundaries that cannot be crossed. To become a master, you need to outline them, while at the same time solving the task of protecting yourself and maintaining self-respect. Think about this: a puppy needs more than just casual attention. He wants more - a good owner who will be kind to him, who will love and instruct him, but at the same time will train him and clearly show what can and cannot be done.
A good owner will not let a puppy run out into the middle of the highway.
Instead, he will teach him to be careful. good master teach him to distinguish good people from bad ones, show him when to run and when to fight. Until now, you have been a puppy that needed a kind but demanding owner. Now it's your turn to become the owner. Draw your boundaries. Set rules for yourself.
"Inner strength is the ability to respect other people's music, but dance to your own tune and listen to your own harmony."
(Doc Childre)
In addition to all this, you also need to teach your "inner puppy" to say "no". If you are in a leadership position, consider delegating some of the tasks (for more details, see the chapter "Don't Share Power"). If you're not in charge of anyone, but people are constantly asking you for help, resulting in you wasting time not really progressing in your own work, just tell them no. Don't be afraid, it won't cause the Apocalypse. Stop trying to be friends with everyone. Of course to be friendly– it’s quite normal, but remember to keep your distance. This doesn't mean you can't have lunch with your friends after you get promoted - it means they don't have to be your friends just because you work together. When people act unreasonably, refuse to indulge them, and you will be respected.
Helpful explanation. sacrificing respect good relations you won't get either.
Necessary steps
1. Make a list of people whose respect will help you become more successful.
2. Ask yourself - do they respect you or do they just like you? If you want them to respect you, then move on to the next steps.
3. Determine how you should behave with these people so that they begin to respect you more. Remember that behavior must be specific, unambiguous, and consistent.
4. Now ask each of them if the behavior you have chosen will improve the working relationship between you. If not, ask them to suggest an alternative.
5. If they suggest something you can do, agree to it. (If they feel uncomfortable in this situation, leave it up to them to simply agree to your proposal.) Let them know that you will periodically check with them about your productivity. joint work– in order to determine whether a new form of behavior works or not.
6. Be sure to thank them at the end of the conversation, and again the next day.
7. Do not even think about taking on this business if you do not plan to bring it to the end.
All my life I was perceived as a “good” girl. Mainly because I was shy and quiet.
Everyone in the kindergarten said that I was a nice child, and that's it.
Looking back, I now understand how badly the attitude received from childhood, “Everyone should be liked,” can affect the whole life of a person.
When you try to be nice to everyone, you eventually stop being yourself, do what you want, and start letting people hurt you, just because you can't find the strength to send them. The desire to be perfectly "good" can eventually break you.
If you are “nice”, you never criticize anyone and try not to say unpleasant things to people. Your speech consists of nothing but compliments, and when it occurs to someone to ask for your own opinion, you answer something like “it doesn’t matter”, or “yes, really, it doesn’t matter”, or “I didn’t mean anything like that.”
To be a truly good friend, colleague, leader, you must share your ideas, not just listen to others
But the problem is that the more you repeat "doesn't matter" in relation to own feelings the less important they begin to seem to you. You devalue your own opinion.
Recently, people close to me have pointed out the fact that I never speak my mind and that they perceive this as distrust on my part. They thought that I was so uncomfortable in their company that I could not clearly answer them even the simplest questions.
I have always tried to be nice to everyone. I never wanted to be the weirdest girl in the group, so I gave more importance to other people's opinions than my own. But to be truly good friend, colleague, leader, you should also share your ideas and not just listen to others.
One way I found that helped me redefine friendships, work, and even collective hobbies was to make a list of things I don't like and wouldn't want to do. And the most useful starting point is to learn how to express your own opinion.
Excessive courtesy makes "good" people less honest
Trying to be excessively "good", you are often forced to lie - for example, so as not to offend the interlocutor. Research conducted at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana has shown that people who are often forced to tell lies due to some circumstances are more prone to illness. Those participants who had to lie less practically stopped complaining of headaches and feeling emotional tension.
"Good" people seem passive
If you constantly say only nice things, trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, while forgetting about your own opinion, you will come across as a boring and passive person. Believe me, if your friends and colleagues would like to be constantly agreed with them, they would talk to the mirror.
It is very important to understand that if people contact you, it means that they want to hear what you think.
Too “good” people are equated with obedient
People who are less manipulative and prone to controversy have stronger principles and refuse to harm the innocent.
"Good" people praise others undeservedly
It's great to praise people for important accomplishments, but if you don't consider someone's action as such, praise can be detrimental to your relationship. Not only will you not share your real opinion, but you risk hurting the person's self-esteem when they realize you lied to them.
If you really don't like something, but want to be polite, underline: "This is just my personal opinion"
In any area where leadership qualities are needed, it is important to focus on how to be a strong leader, not a "good" person for everyone.
This does not mean that you should act like a jerk, you just should not treat the emotions of others like a crystal vase.
For myself I found great way give constructive criticism without coming across as a bitch. The method is called a "sandwich" - first I give a sincere compliment related to the situation, then comes criticism, then again an approving statement or honest praise. If you really don't like something, but want to be polite, emphasize "this is just my personal opinion."
"Good" people are often offended
Oddly enough, your attempts to constantly be "good" in the eyes of society can seriously annoy others. In addition, the desire to please everyone is the cause of stress, overwork, and resentment of people who have burdened you with the burden of their own affairs that you have not coped with.
It all depends on the context - he strives for victory (what is he doing?), not striving to conquer (what to do or do?).
Depending on what question this word in the sentence answers ... If “what to do? ”- then it is written “strive”, if “What is it doing? "- then" seeks "...
It is written this way and that way - the meaning as a result is completely different! Read my answer here for an example. Another example: “He does not strive for this.
He can afford not to strive for anything at all. In the first case - the verb in the third person, in the second - the indefinite form of the verb.
Shouldn't you strive? (what to do) He doesn’t even strive! (what doesn’t he do?)
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It is impossible to please everyone. And only by receiving wisdom, you understand what happiness it is.
There are, for example, such people as sociopaths. Very cute and adorable creatures.
Thus, if one likes such, then it is hard not to fall under his influence, and then not to collapse.
Therefore, blessed is the day when another psychopath did not like me. 
And then there are people who are looking for an addition. For example, they really want to save someone. Most often to correct their own self-esteem. Such people really like weak people who shift responsibility to others.
So may the day be blessed when I become strong enough not to please a professional lifeguard. So I'm strong.
There are still people who are looking for their rescuer. Someone who will completely take care of their life, take on the torment of choice, the complexity of arranging life, teach, warm, explain.
Therefore, let the day be blessed when I am imperfect enough for them to deal with my destiny and my life.
May I be spared from people looking for a scapegoat or a whipping girl. Let me not like the one who is looking for another mistress.
What happiness to be spared from relationships with all these people.
An important fact about psychotherapy: the more you work on yourself, the less people will like you. But you will like yourself. And those with whom it will be possible to build a safe and fulfilling relationship. Albaeva Marina Nikolaevna
The Yekaterinburg writer Alexei Salnikov appeared out of nowhere, if you count it out of nowhere. The strange novel "Petrovs in the flu and around him" consists of the hero's adventures around the city in a state of consciousness altered by the flu - either Ulysses, or Chichikov, but in a trolleybus.
The writer is encrypted, lives in the outback, but he came to the main literary awards that his book collected. He willingly gives interviews, but does not answer personal questions. He is also on Facebook, but his page is closed. However, those who really need it can still contact him.
Immediately after the first book, the second was published, but here, too, the opposite is true: the novel "The Department" about the secret service of assassins was written before the "Petrovs".
With all this, Alexei Salnikov gave the Knife a simple and clear interview about Gogol's open chin, his attitude towards other Ural writers, and how writing people succeed.
How has your life changed after the premium success of the Petrovs? Did the award follow with reader success?
It seems to be somewhat the opposite. Or there was a close relationship between premium success and reader attention. In the "Big Book" I was shortlisted, and then readers paid attention to the "Petrovs". The number of readers grew, and then a critical article by Galina Yuzefovich came out, she "shot", backed up by earlier reviews of other critics. There was such a chemistry, which is probably impossible to calculate and build consciously. My life has changed in the direction of more communication with journalists, most of whom are very pleasant and nice people.
- What, in your opinion, besides the actual literary merits and originality, is the reason for the success of this book?
I saw somewhere on the web a comparison of the novel with stand-up. There is something fair in this assessment, because the text really sometimes looks like a kind of banter over life, jumping from topic to topic, with going into unexpected everyday stories.
Sometimes I think that it's about such intimacy, such closeness to the characters, that it doesn't matter to the reader whether the people described are crazy or not, whether this actually happens or not. Some details, apparently, are so close and universal, applicable to any life, regardless of education, income and degree of mental health.
The recently published "Department" is your first novel, published after the "Petrovs". It is impossible to retell the book completely, but still, if in a nutshell: what is it about? for whom? what do you expect from her?
Well, “Department”, in general, about involuntary sympathy for people, if you suddenly plunge into some company, about how difficult it is to overcome this sympathy. Well, about the people who follow orders. I can never determine the target audience of any of the books, and with other content it’s tight, now everything is somehow blurry.
Of course, it is not recommended for elementary school students to read it. But then again, I stumbled upon de Sade at the age of 12-13, and not to say that it turned my life upside down. Or my friends and I, at the age of nine, read "The Hyperboloid of Engineer Garin" and had fun over the word "prostitutes."
So I do not know in whose hands the book will fall. What am I waiting for? I expect that the reader will like the book, although reading is not easy, as it turned out, despite the fact that the “Department” is, in principle, such a genre thing, akin to books about hitmen.
Do you follow the reviews of critics and ordinary readers on your prose? Do you ever agree with the negative criticism that inevitably arises in relation to sensational things, including yours?
Yes, sometimes I look out of curiosity. Sometimes I go through the links that are sent. In fact, after all, literary taste is akin to faith, it cannot be shaken so easily, I can quite understand if the book was not liked, the book cannot be liked by everyone without exception, it would even be something frightening - in the complete coverage of the population by some thought , expressed by the author, it would already be some kind of unhealthy hypnosis. I'm not a hypnotoad, after all.
Why don't you want to open your Facebook page? Why do you need anonymity during your rise to fame?
Everything is simple. All unread messages in the mail are duplicated to me, and even now, when there are three hundred friends and several groups that I joined, I have to delete two dozen Facebook happiness letters from the mail every day. And so friends have such an open secret (we all grew up from Gogol's open chin, ha ha). But it does not seem to cause any particular inconvenience.
How do you feel about other famous "Urals", Olga Slavnikova, Alexei Ivanov? Since in your other interviews you give the impression of a closed and “homely” person, the question will not be idle: would you like to repeat their all-Russian success?
I have a very good relationship with the Urals.
This, perhaps, is a shtetl, but everyone is dear to me, I am pleased when someone from the Perm, Sverdlovsk and Chelyabinsk regions gets something noticeable. This pride like this originates, probably, from school times, when Sverdlovsk rock bands were "on horseback".
And, of course, it would be untrue if he said that he would not want a repeat of their all-Russian success. Of course I would!
Write! The main problem for many is that people don't write, but hang out for the rest of their lives and attend various seminars to improve writing skills, while these seminars mainly teach how to make passages of texts like the seminar leader. The ability to like is, of course, a necessary social skill that can be useful in any field, but still. Write, add, send wherever you can. And be patient, you don’t need to start drinking heavily and hang yourself from non-recognition. Sometimes waiting for a response letter from the editor is more difficult than writing a novel, you need to be prepared for this.
- Who, in your opinion, is the coolest of all those who write in Russian today? And which writers are underrated?
I refuse to answer the first question.
As for the underestimated writers, I can probably recommend Andrey Ilyenkov (you may know him as the author of the script for the OZ film), and there is also a writer from St. Petersburg, Irina Glebova.
- And the worst? Who is overrated?
Is writing for you more work or pleasure? Are you scared when you don't write?
It depends. There are, of course, days when you pick out words from yourself. But when it's not written, it's not scary. I just remember that there was a time when I didn’t write at all, and then I started, I managed to cross this border between a complete lack of practice, I just started to write slowly day after day - that’s all.
You don't talk about a new book. Can you roughly describe the image of an ideal book, one after which you can no longer write anything?
It would be ideal, of course, to put your whole idea into the reader’s head with lightning speed, so that he feels it from the moment of idea to the point at the end, but this, of course, is not feasible. Again, the ideal book, after which you can no longer write anything, is one after which you can no longer read anything. I don't know if there can be such a thing. And a good idea, right? about such a book.
- How did you perceive this award, did you expect it?
To be honest, I thought, since I got a “critical NOSE”, then nothing shines for me, but for some reason I was worried. The atmosphere itself was conducive to it. But the ceremony was so fast that I did not have time to understand anything, as I ended up on stage. Happy for myself that it happened. But this victory, as often happens in literary awards, is partly an accident. The slightest fluctuations in the composition of the jury members and, as you understand, everything would have turned out differently.
You know, I don't consider myself a "chervonets" at all. And even more so, I'm not going to.
Only here is what "a little bit" zapalbivaet.
Firstly, most often about “not a chervonets” they rant both online and in real life by those who don’t even pull on a penny. Examples? I have them, in your words. The best friend in the pose of a queen made happy with her friendship and with a claim that “she always gets what she wants” with, to put it mildly, a small mind, a very peculiar appearance and a rather trashy character. Actually, by virtue of an equally trashy character, they became friends. The results are predictable: being sent by me after another quarrel, she suddenly found out that no one really needs anyone else, and her Wishlist, divorced from reality, led to a life in the style of a cowshed - it smells strongly around, but not roses. And now, which is also predictable, with the saying “I’m not blaming anyone, but” the same cakes are flying at my husband (already former), boss, me. After all, we are “not chervonets”. Will it help her, do you think?
Secondly, those who like to “merge” quietly, categorically do not tolerate such an attitude towards themselves, with titanic efforts searching for the question “what is wrong”. Example? Please. A friend, confident in his great irresistibility. No, the guy is cool - tall, athletic, handsome, educated, not stupid. Direct gift. For one "but": a complete egoist. The whole world should revolve around him, wonderful. And for the time being, it was. The lovers played football in packs in the "busy, no time, later" way. And then it hit me. Yes, the appearance is quite ordinary. Gray house mouse. Yes, the character is more like mustard than sugar. But in the presence of an apartment-car-dacha (he only has a car, and that old one is patched up) and his salary is twice as high as his. There are a lot of such provincial handsome men nearby. You can choose a more accommodating one. Oh, what was in response to "no time"! But, having heard: “You are beautiful, but not my option,” he immediately calmed down, and again there were wonderful coffee gatherings. So now I immediately and tactfully send it to the garden. And yes, not once did anyone raise their hands.
Well, thirdly. The statement amuses, they say, online and in real life people are “different”. Your illusions are different, but people are always the same. The forced jokes of a depressed person can be quite funny, but longing still peeps through them. As an example. Yes, it's easier for you not to dig deep, not to analyze. And at a meeting, declare a person “tedious”. Although the problem is not in his depression, but in your desire for a holiday person.
In short, network girls and boys, every date is like casting for a movie. The director chooses a star for the main role, and the star is considering whether he agrees to risk his rating in the film of this director. And the refusal can be from any of the parties.
Learn to treat this with dignity, without pouring mud and not “merging”.
