In the previous chapters we touched on many aspects of mental, intimate, interpersonal and other life.
This part of the book will cover such a topic as the desire to change your partner and change your husband’s attitude towards himself.
Why are millions of women so eager to change their husbands, to force them to behave in a certain way? Lack of attention, desire to dominate and dominate, or a manifestation of maternal care?
One of the key ideas is relatively simple. We want to change our partner only in order to compensate for the lack of some feelings, to compensate for the inferiority that exists within us at the moment.
This desire is connected precisely with such a need. To put it more clearly, within each of us there are spiritual wounds that have not yet healed.
Why do spiritual wounds prevent us from loving?
Some were received in childhood, then at a more mature and conscious age, and each scratch reinforced some belief. An unhealed wound remains inside, but we want to close this gap from the outside, somehow console ourselves, quench our pain.
In this regard, we force our partners and surrounding people to do something that could heal the wounds. We force those close to us to behave in a certain way.
- We create an ideal image of a family or relationship partners in our minds.
It is likely that he came into the subconscious from his parents or, conversely, is the opposite of his parental family. Perhaps in your life you really consciously choose something, compare people, looking for a suitable partner.
However, sooner or later you begin to equate all your partners to the ideal image created by him.
Women do not look at the real person, and their traumatic experiences from childhood are initiated in relationships, provoking pain. In the end, any action subconsciously comes down to avoiding pain.
Self-Reflection Exercise
Perhaps, examples can be given a little later, but for now it will be useful to perform one exercise.
- Note what exactly you want to change it, what do you want to force it to do for yourself?
I think it’s enough to identify five or seven such moments and ask yourself a couple of questions: what is being compensated inside you in this way, does any old wound hurt.
An example could be like this:
When one woman was nine years old, her father died. He loved her more than his son, and she felt it. She regarded her father's death as a betrayal.
A feeling arose inside that loved ones were leaving. To prevent the same piercing pain from happening again, she needs to try very hard not to be abandoned.
She either does a lot for the approval of her loved one, or breaks off the relationship on her own, so as not to feel abandoned again, not to feel betrayed.
Such a feeling forced the girl to subconsciously come up with strategies.
Compensation - the desire to satisfy emotional hunger
To avoid leaving the girl, she acted to the detriment of her own own desires. Moreover, she behaved in such a way that her partner felt like a despot or a monster in comparison with her.
Ultimately, the woman with childhood complexes got married, but due to the colossal desire for compensation, the young people divorced.
- Her compensation is the feeling of being abandoned. The girl, and then the woman, tried very hard not to leave her, but, nevertheless, the divorce occurred.
You need to see what kind of feeling and for what purpose gives rise to the need to try or change your partner so that he becomes better. It would be useful to study why it is so necessary for your partner to become better, why you need to feel his attention.
Here's another interesting story:
One woman suffered from a lack of compliments; she constantly wanted to hear from her partner about how beautiful, attractive and sexy she was.
When we began researching her psychological trauma, it turned out that this woman still did not believe that she was beautiful and seductive.
The internal wound remains from childhood or adolescence, when the girl’s father behaved extremely negatively, showing that she was unloved, unpleasant and unwanted.
After so many years, she needed this wound to be compensated precisely by her husband’s behavior. The thought that she looked bad literally sounded in her head every second.
- Despite the fact that this woman looked truly amazing on the outside, her mental wound distorted her inner world.
We found that because of this, she felt emotionally unsatisfied, and demanded appropriate compensatory behavior from her husband.
How to determine your goal in a relationship?
I suggest staying with the above questions for now and observing your thoughts and behavior, so let’s return to relationship goals. It is clear that the goal of the relationship is a long-term indicator, and it cannot be immediately found to answer this question.
We thought about the dream, about the mission of the family, about the contribution to the entire universe, but now you need to concentrate on real thoughts, decisions and results. Reasoning about your relationship goals can be completely different.
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It can be love, support, the joy of mutual understanding, the creation of trusting relationships. Also, the goal can be both the desire to inspire and support each other, achieving results together, and the realization that it is more important to feel happiness and joy next to your partner.
Expert advice will help you change your attitude towards yourself for the better.
In a woman’s life, emotional experiences have a special place. They often suffer from the indifferent attitude of the man they like. Work on improving your self-esteem and you will see that other people's attitudes towards you will change.
Try not to compare yourself to other women. There will always be someone richer, luckier and more attractive.
1. Eliminate criticism
Do not scold or blame yourself under any circumstances. Try to refrain from making self-deprecating comments. You can never develop high level self-esteem if you speak negatively about various aspects of your life. Your environment will treat you with the same disdain, and it’s difficult if you already lack self-confidence. The same applies to communication with your life partner.
2. Notice praise
But if they give you compliments, be sure to accept them with gratitude. If you are praised for not saying: “It’s nothing, nothing special” in response. Even if it seems to you that this is a common thing. By doing so, you lower the value of your strengths. And the person who admires you will doubt that you are worthy of him.
3. We use self-hypnosis
To increase self-esteem, it is recommended to use so-called affirmations or affirmations more often. List all your positives several times throughout the day and don’t be afraid to exaggerate a little. This way, you will form the right positive attitude for the whole day ahead. Self-confidence will eventually take over you, and those around you will definitely feel it.
4. Create a positive atmosphere
Watch more often some programs dedicated to increasing self-esteem. The information will affect you and turn on your consciousness. Please note that bad news and press materials negatively affect your mood. In a depressing environment, a person is known to become embittered and pessimistic. This inevitably affects his behavior in society.
5. We remember only the good things
Make a list of your achievements. There have been moments in every woman's life when she could be proud of herself. Try to remember these successful situations and replay them in your memory. This way you will create a lot of positive emotions in yourself.
6. Correcting behavior
Exude confidence! You are a unique individual with unlimited possibilities and great potential. Believe that success depends only on this. If you try to use all the tips listed above, the attitude of others will seriously change.
7. We take first place
If you have already taken a risk, and he is accustomed to your weakness and self-doubt, you will have to hit him. Be more interested own life, and not his achievements. Don't neglect your plans for the sake of his interests. Then your lover or just an acquaintance will value your attention more and change his consumer attitude. Still, men are more attracted to self-sufficient women.
Can help improve relationships practical magic. Let's watch the video!
Some people, especially teenagers, often experience depression over their inadequacy, inability to achieve something in life, and have excessive demands on themselves. All this leads to a person’s internal conflict and low self-esteem appears. What to do? The Girls' World website will advise you how to change your attitude towards yourself.
There are a number of reasons that contribute to the formation of low self-esteem, and as a result, the presentation of excessive demands on oneself.
1. How your parents treated you as a child
Self-esteem begins to form in every person in early childhood. When a child is still very young, he does not know how to independently give an objective description of any behavior or event. A child’s assessment of his behavior depends on how others, especially his parents, treat him. If a child does not receive proper attention and love, he is constantly criticized, then he develops low self-esteem. The child carries all this within himself, including during the transition to adulthood.
2. “You must...”
We often hear educational speeches from parents, something like: “You must do...”, “You must obey because you are still small,” etc. All this develops a sense of enormous responsibility on the shoulders of the child or teenager, and leads in the future to emotional constriction and the formation of depression due to inconsistency with the ideal of the parents. You place excessive demands on yourself, but you can’t cope with them, and you begin to scold yourself for it.
3. Criticism, opinions of other people (friends, classmates, etc.)
In any situation, no matter whether you did something good or bad, there will always be people who will criticize you. If you take everything to heart, think for a long time about the words spoken, naturally this affects your self-esteem, and you scold yourself for the fact that you could have acted differently, and such criticism would not have happened.
4. Excessive demands on yourself
People often set goals that are obviously unattainable (at least for that period of life); the realization of these goals takes much more time than they imagine. As a result, a person does not achieve the desired result, this causes self-esteem to drop, the person becomes disappointed in himself, and stops moving towards his goal.
There are a number of signs by which you can determine whether you have low self-esteem. Test yourself:
1. You tend to justify yourself;
2. You often experience feelings of guilt, including groundless ones;
3. In your thoughts, you often scold yourself for something not done, or, on the contrary, done, but not as you would like;
4. When you look in the mirror, you notice a lot of “shortcomings” in your appearance, and very few (or lack thereof) advantages;
5. You dress gloomily, try not to be noticed by others, often slouch, bow your head, lower the corners of your eyes, eyebrows, and mouth.
There is an effective exercise that will help you!
Exercise for low self-esteem
Before performing this exercise, you need to have about 30 minutes of free time, so that no one will distract you, it must be done at once and quickly enough.
You need a sheet of paper and a pen. Draw the sheet into three columns vertically, in the first column write 10 names of historical figures, cartoon characters, films or books. You should like all these 10 personalities and characters. After that, next to each name in the second column, write 3 qualities that attract or admire you in this person. In the third column you need to analyze the personal qualities of the people you described. For example, the quality “courage” is found in three individuals, “charisma” – in six, and “kindness” – in one. Write them down in descending order: charisma, courage, kindness.
Now read everything you wrote carefully. This piece of paper is a mirror that reflects your qualities inherent in your soul, your heart, etc.
Whenever you feel sad or doubt yourself in the future, just look in this “mirror”.
1. Keep a notebook of success, write down every victory, achievement in any area of your life in this notebook, re-read it, praise yourself;
2. Plan things - this will help you avoid endless scolding yourself for unfulfilled or poorly completed tasks. However, a sufficient (real) amount of time should be allocated so that the plan can be realized;
3. If you have some kind of failure, do not scold yourself, think about it and look for the positives even in the current situation, for example, “it could have been worse,” etc.
Be yourself, don’t place high demands on yourself, live in harmony with yourself.
Self-love is one of the most important aspects in every person's life. After all, your relationships with other people depend on how much you can love yourself and your appearance. Even the Bible says that Jesus Christ taught one of the two most important commandments for man. He talked about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. This means that before you love others, you need to love yourself.
If you don't know and don't know how to love yourself, how can you love others? But it is relationships and how a person builds them that determine whether he will be happy in life or not. Let us conclude that our ability to be happy depends on whether we love ourselves or not.
You can often hear people complaining that I gave them everything, but they... Or I try so hard, I do everything, but they don’t appreciate me, they use me, etc. Tell me, has the person speaking these words learned to love himself or not?
It is important to remember that self-love and manifestations of selfishness are completely different things. Loving yourself does not mean demanding special treatment or any privileges for yourself from other people. A person who loves himself will never demand anything from others. Why? A person who loves himself is self-sufficient and does not need the approval of others.
How to make you love yourself?
You don’t have to force it, you have to love yourself for who you are. Someone may say that they see no reason to love themselves. But they love not for something, but in spite of everything. Remember how little children love? Do they really need to prove that their mom and dad are the best? No! They love simply because they are mom and dad.
Do you think that there is nothing to love you for? Let's think about it. Let's start from the very beginning. Of the millions of sperm of your father, one, the very best, was able to penetrate your mother’s egg, having gone through a rather difficult path! Your birth into the world is already the biggest victory in your life! You are a winner! Is there anything more significant than the opportunity to live?!
If you want to love yourself, then start by taking responsibility for your actions.
No one can ever, for example, what is called “make you angry.” Why? Because only you can afford to be irritated by seeing others doing wrong. And only you can let yourself go before you start screaming and swearing.
Remember, self-love begins with your thoughts. What you think about will come into your life. If you think that you are already loved by your parents, friends, etc. But even if you don’t believe in the love of the people around you, if you don’t see it, then remember that you are loved by God, who gave you life and you don’t need to prove others that you are worthy of love.
When you understand that you are loved and that this is an unconditional truth, you will stop competing with others for love, and you will be able to give this feeling to others without expecting anything in return and making the world around you much more beautiful, and people yearning for love will be drawn to you as a source of light and joy. Remember, you are loved!
