Living with parents: psychologists have explained the consequences for mature people. Psychologist: a person cannot be an adult until he moves away from his parents

Family and relationships: advice from a psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya

Grown up children should leave their parents' house. Otherwise, they will never become real adults, remaining hostages of "intra-family moral incest" when they are confused social roles husbands and wives, fathers and children.

However, many families, due to lack of money or independence, live in the same house, and sometimes even in the same room with their parents. This is how painful relationships arise, which often represent two extremes.

An example of the first extreme is my friend's mother-in-law, who even at the age of fifty asked her mother how to make sandwiches. The daughter-in-law with square eyes listened to their conversation. A woman of almost retirement age runs to her mother with the question of how to make sandwiches! No, not a joke, in all seriousness I asked. And moreover, having the opportunity to live with her husband and child separately, a friend preferred to change two separate apartments, her two-room apartment and the one of her still young mother, for a common three-ruble note in order to live with her mother.

But her own sister, on the contrary, showed the exact opposite, and this is the second extreme in the relationship. At seventeen, she fled to another republic, just to get away from her mother with her authoritarian pretensions. And when the mother asked to live with her freedom-loving daughter during the overhaul, she answered with a categorical refusal. Absolutely no! Complete denial of any connection.

Unfortunately, there are less than half of families in which generations live separately from each other in the post-Soviet space. Mostly young spouses continue to live with their parents. Once upon a time, this was the norm. But there was a time when dreaming was the norm! Do we now consider the sex of father-in-law and daughter-in-law to be normal? No, but we continue to consider the life of several generations of a family in one apartment as the norm.

In Soviet times, “in cramped quarters, but not offended,” when there was no sex, and everyone was united by peace, work and May, they could huddle in the “khrushchev”. But after all, this housing was built as a temporary one, to replace the barracks. It was not planned that in dank five-story buildings with a combined bathroom they would live for generations, giving birth to children and crowding each other.

Exactly living together in a cramped room leads to the fact that relatives change roles in the family, do not feel their boundaries, confusion occurs - who educates whom and who is financially responsible for whom. And in fact, such cohabitation, as in tsarist times, can be considered incest. Let not the physical, what was the dreaming, but the moral for sure.

Because when a young spouse moves in with his wife's parents, they adopt him. It turns out that the brother sleeps with his sister, who have the same parents for two. And both spouses play two roles - in fact, husband and wife and children for their adult parents. And if children are added to this? It turns out crazy! The child does not understand whose authority is stronger, grandmother or mother, one said it is impossible, the other allows, the child rushes between one and the other generation, knowing that he will get everything he wants, the main thing is to know who to turn to.

In the meantime, grandparents are turning into a second pair of parents - to replace the fluttered mom and dad. And parents in front of the child receive a scolding from the elders, losing all respect in the eyes of the younger generation. What will all this lead to in the end? To three generations of infantile, dependent on each other people who do not know how to build personal boundaries and take responsibility for their lives.

Therefore, if you are an adult, and even more so, if you want to have your own children or are already raising them, separate from your parents. And live separately, and leave your parents alone. Let them live their lives the way they can. There is no need to retrain or re-educate them. There is no need to push or pull them towards you. Take care of yourself.

But the main thing is to take care of yourself at a distance from the older generation, in your own home. Otherwise, you will never truly grow up and be able to raise independent children. It is impossible for an adult son or daughter to live peacefully under the same roof with their parents and be an adult, live their own mind and act contrary to the opinion of the older generation - this is simply impossible! Either constant scandals await you, or you will have to obey mom and dad in everything, give up the rights of an adult. What for? Renting an apartment costs a lot less than your freedom.

I live with my mother. Not because I want to, but because there is no way to move out. And I don't want to live like this anymore.
I do not want to, not only because I am already 30 years old and I want to live separately, but also because my mother - difficult person. Everyone always left her. The fact is that she, in slang, is a rogue by nature. She thinks everyone owes her. She herself does nothing, she always hopes only that others will do everything for her. Needless to say, it doesn't work. She quit her job a few years ago. And that's without a gram of alcohol! She constantly demands money from me for food and stuff. She doesn't care that things go wrong for me. I can't find any decent paying job. Working as a janitor, I received a penny, which she immediately ate. Not even enough to pay for accommodation. Debts pile up. So I quit this pointless job to either find a decent job or... to quit everything.
I never found a job. They don't hire me either because I don't have work experience or because I haven't passed my probationary period. Because I'm nothing! I can't do anything. I can't communicate with people. I spent all my childhood in the offices of psychologists with my social phobia. Nobody needs these... I'm thinking about suicide.
P.S. I am looking exclusively psychological help please do not suggest or tell me anything related to religion, I am not religious and these conversations only make me feel worse
P.P.S I don’t want to leave my mother, but it’s impossible to live like this anymore ...
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Unnamed, age: 30 / 08/18/2014

Responses:

The same nonsense lived in a shell for a long time and all attempts to get out, to find a decent job ended in failure. When the period of throwing was replaced by complete despair and I said: “God, I don’t have the strength, I don’t understand how to live and where to go, take me where you see fit,” I found a job, and I joined the team so smoothly, without interviews and nerves. Sorry, you asked not to talk about faith and God, but your condition is very close to me, I want to support you. Whether we like it or not, but without God, nowhere, and the sooner we understand this, we begin to take small steps towards him, our life will begin to change. No Name Man, please hold on.

Tatyana, age: 41 / 08/18/2014

Yes, your situation is difficult. But it seems to me that the problems in communication are now quite well studied, there are a lot of literature and materials on the Internet. Any phobia is just a thorn in the head, it is not connected with reality. You, just like everyone else, have vocal cords, a mouth, brains. In principle, you can communicate, you are just afraid of it because of your little experience. The only problem is training. Start with small victories over yourself, and then you look and it will be on the shoulder! Just don't give up! Everything will come. Good luck.

Maria, age: 26 / 18.08.2014

Hello! I'm sorry, I practical advice about the work. Quite a lot of vacancies that do not require qualifications:
- You can work as a loader in the store,
- a post-printer in a printing house or polygraphy (non-dusty work for guys, an elementary desire is required, the main thing is to convince the employer of your ardent interest)
- work on a copier (you can learn in a couple of hours)
- put the goods in the store
- waiter in a cafe
- at night as a security guard of a kindergarten or something else (this can be combined with daytime, because all the guards sleep at work).
... And this is just off the top of my head already how much has accumulated. Good luck!

Elizabeth, age: 29 / 19.08.2014

Hello! Have you tried registering at the labor exchange? There you can find retraining courses. Another option is work without certain skills, usually not physically easy, possibly on a rotational basis. And you will earn money and you will have a little rest from your mother. Don't mess around with your social phobia, get out of your comfort zone.

Ekaterina, age: 08/27/2014

Name: Christina

Hello! Sorry in advance for the chaotic text. Fatigue and depression do not allow normal concentration. My family life turns into some kind of hell, and if I don’t change something, I’m afraid I’ll go crazy or do some irreparable stupidity. I am 28 years old. Married, have a child 1 year and 3 months. We live with my parents. My parents and my family have their own room, but no shared room. The function of the common is performed by the kitchen. In short, we have a communal apartment ... Mom has been seriously ill for a long time. Dad takes care of her completely, almost quit his job, which upsets him very much. My husband is all at work (works from home). A lot of money is spent on the treatment of my mother. Therefore, I will immediately make a reservation - we simply cannot afford to rent an apartment. At least while mom is sick. My parents all the time, I'm sorry, shit. These are not quarrels, but constant squabbles, squabbles that end in aggressive screams and mother's tears. Dad usually leaves wailing. She likes to come up to me and quietly complain about her mother, “but she herself… but she said, and then it turned out that I was wrong…. but I’m always a fool.” Mom does the same thing when dad leaves. I grit my teeth and remain silent. At first, I tried to calm them down, try them on, nothing helps. How can you re-educate people who are well over 60?! And so all day long! I "rest" only when my parents go to the hospital for procedures (this is 3 times a week) and they are gone for an hour. Then the same thing from the threshold. It turns me on wildly. So I became quite nervous after giving birth - I don’t have time for a lot (the apartment is all on me, cleaning up after everyone, cooking, the child suffered from colic for a long time, and now you can’t keep up with him, he is demanding, inquisitive, in general, he needs a lot of attention), so here and the parents also had a wonderful “entertainment”. They can no longer communicate! Here I am writing, and my mother is crying. She has severe pain + constant tantrums because of such “communication”. I know it's hard for everyone, but everyone thinks only of themselves. I try to console my mother and father. I feel like I'm about to break. I dream of peace. There were thoughts of dying altogether, but I have a child. By the way, I'm worried that my son sees all this, I'm afraid that a psychopath or a drunk will grow out of him. My husband and I live like brother and sister. There is simply no sex. It happens very rarely with us or if we can escape somewhere. For example, I managed to go on vacation 2 times last year for a week. We traveled with our son. It was the happiest time in the last year and a half. We had sex and walked a lot, although my husband worked in parallel. In general, I just dream of living separately, but so far this is unrealistic and I am in despair. And yet, we live on the outskirts, the nearest store and then for 5 km. along the track. I walk alone with my child. The only joy a couple of times a week with my husband and son to go to some shopping mall. Now you can’t really walk anywhere in the cold, in the summer we got out into nature. But after these small joys, you have to return home! And all over again ... I beg you, tell me how not to pay all attention to this? How to control yourself? Sometimes I break down on my son, yell at him, and then cry. It's not his fault that mom is freaking out. By the way, he is a rather noisy child, I'm afraid this is the result of such a life. Scary what will happen next. I want to run away somewhere and not hear any of this.

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon I am 27 years old. All my life I have lived with my parents. Until the age of 20, my father also lived with us. For 7 years we have been living with my mother together. Childhood was not easy, constant scandals, his father drank. It’s hard to say we live honestly, I don’t remember a single week without a scandal. I want to live and enjoy life, and not constantly listen to that I'm doing everything wrong, that I don't have a husband and she already wants grandchildren, and I'm not doing anything for this. For the last 5 months, the situation has developed in such a way that I have found a remote job that suits me and mostly work from home, rarely go to Kyiv for meetings. My salary has increased by 2.5 times over the past few months, this is also a very important factor, so I don’t want to give up remote work. But this is one of our stumbling blocks with her now. Since she believes that I should be in the team in order to get married faster. This, in my opinion, is not the right attitude to the situation. I worked for 5 years in a team and nothing happened. I understand that so much energy and time is spent on meaningless experiences and quarrels, but life is so short, I want to catch every moment and live it in happiness and joy. And my mother constantly reproaches me that I cannot find a normal job, that I do not listen to advice. Her constant phrase: "You do anything," she repeats it several times a day. It's very hard. A little about myself: all my life I live according to the principle of an excellent student, sociable, I work as an economist, go in for sports, behave too decently, I read books. I'm talking about smoking and alcohol in general. Until 11 is always at home, even earlier. Constantly reproaches that I don’t let her rest, that I wake up early, I can’t even read a book until 11 pm, as she immediately says that it’s already late to go to bed, although we are in different rooms and I don’t interfere with her. I can no longer live by the principle as my mother said. It just crosses all boundaries ... Reproaches that I don’t go to help her with the garden. But I just don’t see the point ... She spent her whole life on these gardens .... Although I have a very very educated person, she works as a senior accountant. She really gives me a lot of valuable advice and I appreciate it, but not all the time and you can in a normal form, and not scream. I have long decided to move, but something is stopping me. The thought lives in my head that maybe it’s all my fault and I won’t run away from myself by moving to live separately. But I'm just ashamed that I have such a relationship with my mother and that I can't change anything. It got to the point that sometimes I can’t be in the same apartment with her, I want to either lock myself up in a room or leave the house .... Or I’m waiting for the weekend for her to leave. I understand that time is running very fast ... And that something needs to be done about it, since the situation is only getting worse .... She has problems with the thyroid gland, perhaps constant irritability also depends on this ... I don’t know, very I want to start my own family... but I can't believe that I can do it while living with her...

The psychologist Lobova Elena Alekseevna answers the question.

Hello Maria!

1. If you don't like something, change it.

2. If you can not change - accept.

3. If you can’t accept it, see point “first” or change your attitude to what is happening. Alternatively, downgrade the problem.

As you can see, there is always a way out, and who said that this way out should be accepted, only one. You can act in several ways to solve the situation - immediately.

You are right that you need to move.

You will become your own mistress and will no longer react so sharply to claims from your mother.

But why do you even have a reaction to her words, and not because you feel guilty yourself, that you think that she is right and are trying to justify yourself - if you didn’t have such doubts in your subconscious, your mother’s words would not hurt you.

She said and said - her right to her own opinion, but do not forget that your mother is a child of another generation and it is difficult for her to adapt to modern life and laws. So she is trying to live with the "map of Stavropol in St. Petersburg." Yes, and he imposes his “cards” on you. But to take it or not is your right. So do not take - do not react.

You do not take in the store what you do not need?

Do you not watch those programs that you are not interested in?

You won't go to that cafe where you didn't like it anymore?

Why are you taking here? - do not accept.

But instead of just not accepting, do you also feel guilty for what you didn’t like? You don’t run to the store to apologize for the fact that they sold you a low-quality thing there? - why take here the quality of life that you do not need - you are already an adult and only you can choose - to take or not to take.

Would you resist your mother's instructions if you saw that she, following her own advice - happy, successful and self-sufficient - would you try to copy her in everything if you wanted to live the way she lives? Successful people want to repeat everything ... they do not have to impose their point of view on others, on the contrary, everyone listens to them "with their mouths open", wanting to repeat their success ... everyone goes to their sparkle in their eyes and irrepressible energy ...

strange ... but there is a protest inside you ... (it is not for nothing that they say: educate by example - only actions are copied - words - an empty phrase) why protest?

I don’t want it like that… I don’t want it like you… oh… what am I… sorry… that I don’t want it like that… I should want it like that, because you are my mother and you know better….? (absurdity.. don’t you No one owes anything to anyone... no one can understand our desires and what will be better for us, except ourselves.

Therefore, no one has the right to impose their beliefs on us. Moreover, now everything has changed and many people understand and realize this. The main thing is not to take what you do not need. Not to take - it means - not to react to it ... not to get emotionally involved ... we will not be controlled by something - to which we are indifferent ...

The fact that she wants grandchildren is not an argument.

She will have grandchildren exactly when you yourself want your family. How would you like a family? where are you going to start your family? - at home, where at 23.00 lights out - time for children?

or in a team - among the aunts of advanced age (who dream of marrying their sissy - sons - nerds - infantiles - overgrown to good girls- or rather, to find a free housekeeper for your sons (they themselves have not the same years to court their beloved ones) - is this the limit of your dreams?)

In addition, the team of the team is different. And not every team is a guarantee of successful acquaintance and marriage. Does your mother really think that as soon as you get a job, all the men will fall in piles at your feet? just you and waiting to fall? We are already tired of standing… – doesn’t this belief seem like a utopia? In fact, they get a job for the sake of strengthening their financial stability - and not for flirting and friendship - as some people think.

Another thing (if you have seen the film “Serving Romance”), then the question is how you will put yourself in a team and how and how effectively you will interact (whether the heroine of this story - Lyudmila Prokofievna - when interacting with ministers, is the same as with regard to Novoseltsev - you look and would grab for yourself a more interesting candidate). The main thing at any moment of your life is not to be a scumbag (and she, first of all, treated herself as a scumbag - will others really treat, otherwise, if you treat yourself badly?)

But has the light converged like a wedge on these men? - everything and everywhere for them - to catch their every look and adapt to them - is this your prospect? Even without a husband, you currently have someone to ... restrict your freedom. And your personal space. At the moment, you don’t even need marriage, and you yourself understand this.

You are just afraid to allow yourself to live as you want, but you know how such restrictions end.

If a person cannot go against the foundations directly, he goes against these foundations through detours. I’ll tell you about them (if you’re interested) later), but not here ... and many people know what I’m talking about. If you limit yourself in everything all the time, a failure occurs at the psychosomatic level. You don't need it.

And the first thing you should do is move away from your mother.

it happens that parents are no longer alive, but inside people everything sounds like mom: “no way”, and these are our internal virtual parents with their internal attitudes and prohibitions (the same thing - “you can’t run away from yourself”)

Third: love yourself. Accept the way you are.

Start with this.

Mom is right in her own way. She worries about you, but her experiences have not brought you benefit, happiness and satisfaction.

And they won't. If you continue like this.

To have what you didn’t have before, you need to do what you didn’t do before ...

Listen to yourself - what exactly you want (and do not take the desires imposed on you seriously_.

Love yourself. Ask your mother: was she happy in marriage?

then why are you in a hurry to leave? in order to get out - this is not worth doing.

and move - love is stronger, the relatives are farther away.

And the relationship ... your mom seems to be older and it is she who cannot build a full-fledged relationship with you, not you, so you have nothing to blame yourself for. You are not to blame for the fact that mom just needs someone to recoup for her failed fate and life.

But you may be afraid of new relationships, because a doubt may live inside you: if I can’t get along with my mother, where can I go ... (with ... a person who is still a stranger to me?) - so start by building harmonious relationships with yourself and with mom - like ... a little later ... first find harmony within yourself. Let the state of “Victim” leave you, otherwise new acquaintances will see you as an “extreme girl” - for reproaches ... we are treated exactly as we allow it ... including our closest people ...

You are no longer (for a long time) a three-year-old child to seek approval and meet the expectations of adults. A person needs the approval of adults while he is defenseless and helpless, so it's time to grow out of the dress of a three-year-old girl and take life into your own hands.

But many people "stuck" in a similar state - depending on the opinions of other people - in order to serve their fears and are completely unable to decide something on their own - without regard to others.

For some reason, people come to me and ask: what will happen ...? what is waiting for me? - interest Ask.

Many still cannot understand that nothing awaits us if we do nothing ... all the more, something good in our life does not happen by itself ... therefore - take life into your own hands ...

Accept yourself for who you are and your mother for who she is - allow yourself to be yourself, and others to be different ....

Walk up to her... hug her... she's grumbling because she just wants your attention...

I can't guarantee that she will reduce her grumpiness when you get married.

there is a risk that her jealousy will escalate even more.

Watch the movie "While she was dying." You should not please everyone and everything, but put off your life and live in the service of someone else's opinion and service of your fears.

But!!! Aggression - a cry for help ... let your mother understand that she is very ... very! Very!!! needed now... no, not that you get married ...

but just the fact that you love her very much (you will understand her perhaps when you yourself become a mother) just tell her about it ... try it ... she grumbles, and you - once ... and hugged - once ... and told her that- that good...

mom… I understand that “you can only rely on something that resists…”

create a “pattern break” for her grumbling. Give her what she asks for, but she can’t say in plain text (the reason for problems with the thyroid gland is that she simply shouts in her claims: “help me!!! I’m afraid!!! I’m so lonely!!! what will happen, if I stay alone?!!! I so want to be loved! I so want to be grateful to me, and I feel that I just lived my life in vain !!! "- this is the true text embedded in her reproaches - here, what she really wants to say... but she won't say directly, following her attitudes and beliefs, which led her to thyroid diseases and other problems.When there is a permanent blockage of the Vishuddha Chakra - this happens often - when we suppress our true words in ourselves( we want to say one thing, but stupid prejudices and moral principles (which no one needs for a hundred years) - they don’t allow us to do this, and even the inability to find out our own feelings for ourselves - makes itself felt) our soul begins to talk to us on a psychosomatic level …

take care of yourself and mom...

4.8888888888889 Rating 4.89 (18 Votes)

Hello! I am 20 years old. I am a 3rd year student at the institute, I live with my parents. I really hate to admit it, but with every year of my growing up, life with my parents becomes more
more unbearable. And I don't want to say that because I want to love them and it seems to me that I betray them when I think so. The fact is that I am the second child in the family, the youngest, who was spoiled and
which dad loves. So they still consider me small, constant stupid remarks, you don’t wash the knife like that, you still don’t listen, listen when they teach! Thanks, but I'd like to hear
not about how to properly wash a knife, because I have been coping with this for a long time.
The fact is that either they are angry with me so much that they simply can’t believe that because of this you can go into such a strong rage, or they hug me, kiss me as they say “we are sorry”, we feel sorry for you!
Well, this is a nightmare, there is no communication on an equal footing, no understanding of certain wrong actions, no adequate vision of the situation! They tell me that they loved me more than anyone, that's why I'm like this
complex has grown, but pampering is not love. I would dream of being friends with them, so that everything is clear, in order to support and forgive at the right time or say you are wrong, it’s more correct
it would be so. But I have a feeling that they just want to continue to educate, to show their parental meaning ... They say: "And you do what you want, sometimes you have to educate up to 50 years old!",
listen and learn, you still don’t understand anything, where do you get your opinion from ... Of course, I’m also not a gift, I know this, I really have a phenomenal mess in the room, but I know
how to fix it and I know why it appears at all, but I also have sparkling cleanliness, but however, only bad things are noticed. I don't work for appreciation, I don't need praise, at least
least in everyday affairs, but it's terrible when they exaggerate and say that it never happens cleanly.
They don’t guess my true intentions very accurately, they catch me in a non-existent lie, they imperceptibly guess, they overprotect, and then they misbehave and say that I am not independent and want
they took care of me, although it is not so. And often I see that what makes them angry is not at all what they are talking about, that it is their personal irritation, which has been transferred to me for some other reason. But at the same time,
everyone, I know that they really love me and I owe all the best in myself to their upbringing and love, and this is how they express their love, they really are good. And I feel like it's me
it’s my own fault that I don’t like them much, I don’t care about them, I think that they don’t understand anything at all, so much so that we are just different people, if it were someone I know, I simply couldn’t
pull this fellowship, but these are my parents. And of course, all sorts of thoughts come to me that I want to live alone already, that I don’t have the strength to endure all this, but I know that by leaving, I won’t solve the real problem and
about this, I feel a little remorse that I, as it were, leave them, betray them ... But I don’t want this, I know that my will is no matter what, but I won’t leave them, I won’t do anything myself
I will get it and help them. But in reality, even an affectionate word does not work ... What should I do? How to behave with parents? On the one hand, maybe it's really time to leave, but on the other, how
like you can't throw them away. Or it happens that they scold them for something and I know that they are wrong in this case, but I suddenly think they are right, suddenly I am in spiritual charm, it seems that everything is fine, but in reality
In fact, I am mistaken and they are trying to correct my brains. And the fact is that because of all this, I already have an allergy, just and simply the cycle turns out, my allergy increases their irritation, and their
irritating my allergies.
Or maybe I’m just secretive, I endure everything and they don’t understand, because I don’t speak sincerely, but keep silent. But anyway, I want to love them and for them to love me for real,
so that we become good friends to each other, so that they respect me, so that I want to help them and make them happy!
Or maybe I’m not right at all, and instead of listening to them correct myself, I entered some kind of self-confident state in which I reconciled with my bad features and live calmly,
outraged that someone speaks badly of me.
Would love to hear some heartfelt advice! But in general, the question, probably, is this - from the Orthodox point of view, how to correctly listen to parents in everything and do everything as they say, even
when you realize that this is not entirely true, or do you still defend your position, do as it seems necessary?
Rate:

Clara, age: 20/25.01.2015

Hello! It is difficult for me to advise something, because I do not know your character and do not see your parents. But I can say one thing for sure - you do not betray your parents by thinking about them like that.
You need to love like a person, respect human dignity, but see who you are dealing with, even if it is your parent. All people have their weaknesses, shortcomings, and you need to call everything your own.
names. Love is the soul light within you. And parents at some point really need to stop intruding into the life of a child if he has already grown up. If he hasn’t brought up before the age of 20, he already
will not obey. It is a mistake of many parents to see children as small. I am for respecting the opinion and the right to choose, even if the daughter or son is only 20. After all, what is growing up? This before
of all, spiritual growth is on the side of Good. And now it is often thought that an adult is the one who earns money. I suggest you think about moral categories, look for them on the Internet, or on
this site - what is love, kindness, strength, weakness, loyalty and betrayal, and you will gradually begin to recognize who is right and who is wrong. And I will also tell you that people expose in others what
see in themselves. If you know to yourself that you are good, attentive, and if you are called an egoist, then do not believe it. In this case, the egoist is the one who called you that. And I recommend that you apply
to a psychologist, he will tell you how to behave and what to do.
P.S. I also do not always have order, but I believe I have a love for cleanliness. What is important is a general sense of order, without pettiness. If you jump for every speck of dust, you can finish yourself.

Alla, age: 01/22/2015

Clara, you really are a child! What makes you think that people should be exactly the way you want? What is the phrase: "they really are good"! Good from what point of view?
Admit to yourself that you define them as good when they act in a way that is comfortable and convenient for you. Don't you think this approach is selfish? It turns out that only those who are convenient for us are good, and
the rest are not very good. That is, you believe that parents are obliged to adapt to your picture of the world, and what they themselves feel, think and experience is not very important.
Maybe it’s worth shifting the vector of attention from yourself offended and deprived of the needs of your parents? Very often, behind the pickiness of people, there is an inner dissatisfaction with oneself, and the desire to teach the mind
reason and educate someone is the need to be needed, appreciated and essentially loved. If you are talking about the path of growing up, then act like an adult, and not like a capricious
spoiled child. Learn to see not the external manifestations of the behavior of parents, but the internal prerequisites for their actions and words. What need do they express by such behavior? And give them something in
what they need. Then they will have no reason to behave in such a way. This is the first. And the second - learn to control your feelings, do not wind yourself up. You choose how to react
to this or that situation: to be loaded, worry or find positive moments and treat everything with humor. Sometimes, by the way, it’s useful to move out from your parents and live separately. First, to
learn to take responsibility for everything yourself, and not shift it to others (this is a hint that your emotional state depends on you more than on the influence of anyone else),
secondly, in order to actually demonstrate to your parents your independence, and thirdly, to learn to appreciate what you will not have when you live separately, and what you have now. And not in
this is no betrayal, as an adult self-sufficient unit of society, you have the right to live independently (and even separately) while providing support and attention to loved ones. Another thing
are you really an adult, because sometimes it’s easier to live as you are, blame others for everything, complain about life and in no case take responsibility for your life, feelings,
emotions ... To love is to be able to accept a person as he is, and not try to remake him for himself. Your parents are your opportunity to learn to love freely and sincerely.

Svetlana, age: 01/29/2015

All these problems are familiar to me. The situation in my case changed dramatically, at the age of 17 I got a job and began to provide for myself. At the same time, I studied excellently and did not make different
the stupidity of a young age. My parents saw me in a completely new quality - an adult and serious person, and gradually their attitude towards me completely changed.

Natasha, age: 30 / 02/04/2015

Clara, I am the parent of a 23 year old son who considers himself an adult. he is a student, lives with me and also wants to get away from guardianship. but these are only dreams and insults - no actions, no adult actions either.
your parents have lived twice as long, and they have more experience, and they only want the best for you. so your task is to show them that you are an adult not with words, but with deeds. they will see it immediately
your relationship will change. you are smart and on the right track. Read all articles "relationship with parents." there is a lot of useful and necessary stuff. patience to you and good luck, grow up and love your parents.