What to do if you have mutual feelings with a woman from another city?
Question:
I met a woman online, we corresponded, called on Skype, in general we like each other and our life positions are similar. We already feel some kind of feeling, if not love, then infatuation. This is noticeable both in the messages and in the atmosphere. What should we do? The distance is confusing, we are in different cities. Volgograd and Astrakhan.
Answer from Alexander Biryukov:
The question is not just common in our network age, but one of the most pressing. I get asked this question almost every week.
Distance is the weakest factor, which should not confuse anyone at all in our time. I would also understand if you were in different countries on different parts of the world. Or at least you are in a taiga village 100 km from Yakutia, and she is on a farm in the Kaliningrad region. But there is a train between Astrakhan and Volgograd! 10 o'clock - and you're together!
What to do? The scheme is like this. I didn’t come up with it, but I put it together from rational pieces and thought through the steps. I warn you that this is a general outline. And each case requires adjustment in one direction or another. But the scheme works.
After you have received primary and even in-depth information in your case through correspondence and conversations on Skype, you need to meet in real life. The matter is made easier by the fact that you already know each other relatively well and are accustomed to each other. You are already experiencing mutual warm feelings. This means that you will no longer be strangers to each other; immediately after the meeting you will feel comfortable together.
Before all this, it is better to try to make inquiries about the woman. It is not necessary to delve into some intimate details of life. The main thing is that she is not a slut/prostitute, an alcoholic, a drug addict, mentally ill, has a criminal record, and that all this does not happen to her closest relatives. Everything else will be visible in real life by her behavior.
It’s better not to delay the meeting in real life. Once you both understand that you care about each other, already plan a meeting. Let's say in a couple of weeks. Until the time comes, acquaintance will deepen and feelings will strengthen. You will meet almost like family.
The real meeting should be relatively long. Not one night, but at least three or four days, more if possible. For what? See a person, his behavior. In all aspects: the ability to create comfort in a couple, the ability to do household chores, sexual compatibility and much more. You look at how well a woman's behavior matches what she wrote and said online.
Where and how to invite? Here you decide for yourself. If one of you lives alone, then the second one can come to him. If both live with relatives, then you can rent at least a small apartment somewhere on the outskirts of the city. It won’t cost that much, but it will be your first (and perhaps not your last) home together. Spending is by agreement. If you both work, you can divide it in half. Or the visitor pays for the tickets, and the local pays for the accommodation.
When to do this? If people of free professions or generally have the freedom to do so, then whenever they want. If someone (or both) works on a strict schedule, then there are holidays: New Year's, February 23, March 8, and soon there will be long May holidays. In the summer - vacation. You can take time off and add it to the weekend. In general, a solution can always be found.
You met and everything went well. You are happy with each other. What's next? It is better to repeat such a meeting again after a short period of time. Now you can go to another city and meet your parents. You can do this a couple more times if in doubt. But don't delay. Any delays in the relationship blur the matter.
Between trips you actively communicate on Skype. These are the same dates, the same communication and getting used to each other, like walking in the park.
When the trips are over, the main thing is not to be stupid, but to take the bull by the horns. Move in together. Reader, you are a man, and therefore you take upon yourself to make decisions. You are thinking about where you will live. If there is a free apartment, go there. If your parents have an apartment, they rent it out and live on this money (+ pension) - rent from your parents for the same amount. And your parents won’t be offended, and it’s better for you than to wipe other people’s corners from other people’s owners. If this is not the case, then simply rent a small, inexpensive apartment and live there.
Having thought through all this, you tell the woman that she is moving in with you. Now is the time to stop shaking your ears. If she says she can't, find out why. If she is a top manager or a deputy, then moving is, of course, difficult. Not everyone will leave such a trump position. If she’s a teacher or a hairdresser, then don’t let her talk bullshit. You can get a job as a teacher and hairdresser anywhere, it’s not such a unique profession and position. Study - transfer to a similar university in your city. My students, even at the most bureaucratically complex medical university, married military men and were easily transferred to other universities. If you're studying part-time, there's nothing to talk about at all. The transfer is done even during the semester in a few days. And so that she is less driven, you will help her on the spot to transfer and find a job. you are a native, you have an advantage. Use it for your woman.
If she is a freelancer and works remotely, then there is nothing to talk about at all.
Missing mom and dad is not a problem. That's what Skype is for. The main thing is that she is not psychologically dependent on them, and the father-in-law and mother-in-law do not try to control you personally through this Skype. Your family should live independently. And the leader in her is you, not her parents. In your family, from now on, the law is your word. She must understand and accept this.
If a woman loves you, she will only be glad that you showed persistence and determination in your actions. I brainstormed a lot of problems and found a solution. He didn’t mumble or smear the snot with his fist, but just took it and did it.
Just don't act like insecure men. There is no need to dump a bunch of these questions and doubts on her head. Where to live, how to live, etc. There is no need to discuss all this with her for a long time and tediously. I thought about all the options, found the best one, and confronted him with a fait accompli. As a last resort - a choice from a pair of alternatives. You are a man, and you still make the decision. So why bother with the topic? Be firm and don't be afraid to make decisions.
So all the paddocks are a waste of time. Distance, different cities - such a minor problem in our mobile age that it’s even embarrassing to talk about it. Everything that I described is very easy to implement if you take it upon yourself. The main thing is not to slow down, to be decisive and firm.
It's really simple. Trust me.
Of course, this is a general scheme, and some special cases will need adjustment.
Answers to additional questions that arise from readers.
1. It makes sense to maintain long-distance love only if you have real and serious intentions towards a woman. They are determined after relatively long communication by correspondence and after mandatory repeated communication on Skype .
I repeat once again that communication on Skype is the same as a regular date without sex. Like a walk in the park. Both interlocutors see each other, can evaluate appearance, voice, manners and everything else that everyone needs. Even the sincerity of words can be verified when you see the interlocutor. The fake is easy to read. In addition, now webcams have good resolution, and you see a person as if he were sitting opposite him at the table. So, correspondence and especially Skype will give you the opportunity to get to know each other as if you had already been dating for some time. It is possible and NEEDED to clarify all aspects regarding your and her mood for the future. Attitude to the family model, marriage, children, budget, family hierarchy, etc. So that you meet without any misunderstandings, practically like family.
As you can understand, there is no point in starting all this just for the sake of sex. At least in my opinion. Long-distance love is long-lasting and much more labor-intensive than finding a date in your city. Long-distance love is worth starting only if it’s real on the other end soul mate. At the very least, I would never bother with all this for the sake of a one-time adventure. Write, call, share your views, somehow rub in - and all for the sake of sex alone, and even then short-term, for a couple of days? It's just not worth it. Besides, there is so much sex now that finding it is not difficult. Right in your city.
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“False promises are more annoying than outright refusals,” French lexicographer Pierre Boist once said. Each of us has friends and acquaintances who systematically let others down and do not fulfill their promises. Or maybe you have noticed this behavior in yourself. Optionalism often becomes a character trait, but there are different reasons for it. Therefore, first of all, it is worth finding the source of the problem, and only then looking for a solution.
We are in website We examined some cases of optionality in order to understand where it came from and what to do if someone’s promises are not worth a penny.
1. Out of friendship
The first thing to do if there is someone next to you who feeds you promises instead of dessert is to talk. Trite but effective advice. It is possible that what for you is unfulfilled promises and disrespect for yourself, for another person is a manifestation of understanding and depth of friendship. This needs to be invented and explained to someone else, but you can be refused at the last moment - you are “your people, you will understand everything.” In this case, it is worth discussing your ideas about trust and commitment and taking steps towards it. You should not take everything to heart, and your friend should take your feelings into account.
In addition, the conversation will help you understand the reasons for unnecessary behavior. After all, if someone just needs help and support, then it’s high time to put the other person in his place.
2. Inability to say “no”
One of the most common reasons for broken promises is a simple inability to say “no.” Many were brought up with the idea that people need to be helped, so a person strives to promise everyone his time, care and help. And then it turns out that there are more promises than there are hours in the day and strength inside. If you encounter such a person, let him understand that any of your requests can be immediately and honestly rejected; this is much better than, out of politeness, promising something that you cannot fulfill.
3. Laziness
Also, laziness often tells us to forget about what was promised. There seemed to be so much enthusiasm when he agreed, but when the time came, the small task turned into such a huge problem in the eyes of the one who promised that the mere thought of fulfilling his word was stressful. In this case, you shouldn’t ask the person for anything else - it’s unlikely that next time he won’t suddenly want to sleep an extra hour or watch a movie instead of, for example, picking you up from the plane. Laziness in such people is not a periodic weakness, but a lifestyle.
4. Desire to please
Another type of people who constantly make promises but don't keep them are those who just want to look better in your eyes. Such people usually have no intention of keeping their word - they are simply throwing dust in their eyes to gain your favor. They have already prepared an ingenious excuse, which not only is impossible to dig into, but after it you even want to help the sudden “sufferer”. In extreme cases, such people go on an aggressive offensive - they talk about how no one owes anyone anything and twist the situation so that you are still to blame. The advice here is the same - don’t expect anything more, but the main thing is not to feel bad about moving away from “this good man" Remember, he didn’t “do so much for you,” but “promised you so much in vain.”
There is a law, proven by the experience of more than one generation of women, that men rarely keep given word and forget about their promises, simply by deceiving.
At the same time, there is a belief that this characteristic is not at all divided by gender. The weaker sex also skillfully knows how to “hang noodles.”
Let's try to think about the reasons. And this is a whole science, having overcome it and understanding its complex mechanisms, it is possible to at least partially get rid of illusions and the painful experiences that always appear after them. But, let's take it in order. Nobody likes being forced to do something, and even when they “shake” his word of honor out of him. It is unlikely that the man in this case will do what was “squeezed out” of him, and if he does, it will hardly be done with soul. Ideally, a man himself should reach this point and want it. And if not, then a woman is always able to push and guide a man so that it becomes HIS decision; but the result also depends on how she does it. You can use an ultimatum, or you can do it in a gentle, feminine way by using a little cunning and psychology.
Although it is better to look at the situation: sometimes both methods are effective. Here, the main thing is not to confuse which is better when. If a girl looks in advance reproachfully in anticipation of his failure and mentally rubs her hands, waiting for the moment to utter the sacramental phrase: “I knew it,” she pushes him not to keep his word, as if in retaliation for her lack of faith in his strengths and capabilities and partly out of stubbornness , he will not want to disappoint her and the notorious “scythe on the stone” begins. This also begs the question: why doesn’t the girl listen to the end and put herself in the position of a man when he explains why he didn’t keep his promise. If it sounds: “I didn’t want to” - this is one thing (by the way, this is completely unmanly) and quite another if he gives reasons and gives his word to fulfill (and does fulfill what he promised) later.
In defense of the men, I want to add that he could simply have forgotten that he promised something. Not out of malice, but simply overearned. Next time remind me and everything will be fine. It is also known from experience that most men promise their other halves something only in order not to upset them or because these same halves simply “knock out” promises. And everything is from love. Well, he can’t see his beloved sad, so he takes on more than he can do. Of course, this does not justify the man, because it is irresponsible, but nevertheless. Naturally, in this case, the probability of fulfilling the “squeezed out” promise is zero. Simply because there is a sacred will of choice for every person and you need to understand that a word given under any pressure has no right to be implemented.
It is impossible to say anything unequivocally because everything depends on the situation. Let's say he promised her a trip to the cinema or a cafe, but his friend called asking for help. Everyone knows how famous male friendship is; there is simply no doubt about priority. It is most likely that the girl will not understand and will be offended.
It often happens that men “drive themselves into a corner” and then “get it.” For example, he promised something for a specific time, but remembered it 2 hours later. And she waited all this time and was terribly angry. Therefore, for those who have problems with punctuality, it is better to speak abstractly: in the evening, the other day, at the end of the week, next month, etc.
One of my friends told me: “Why are girls allowed to forget about their promises, but we can’t? And in her case, this will be called coquetry and a playful attitude towards life. And we are immediately branded and called deceivers. As if a man couldn't be in a bad mood. You might think that women don’t want to be lazy sometimes - when you’re tired of moving mountains at work and when you’re tired of being responsible.
In the interval between when a promise is made and when the deadline comes to keep an answer, this is the time during which a credit of trust is received and you can live a better life than you have in reality. After all, a loved one is initially not satisfied with some moment in their life, she constantly reminds you of this - you won’t relax.
And so, the man makes a solemn promise to his beloved: that on such and such a day such and such will be done. I promised and that’s it: I feel as if I’ve already done it. Your beloved treats you more tenderly, and you’re almost proud, and you feel like you’re doing well, and your relationship has improved, your sense of self is top class. In short, not life, but a thrill. And everything would be fine, but there is one small, but rather annoying nuance - deadlines are running out, but nothing has been done yet...
I have to do it, but I don’t want to, I still have a little time, but I don’t want to think about it. And now the day long-awaited by the woman she loves comes, so what? And nothing... if the excuse works, then a small deferment has been received according to the credit of trust (maybe even several times), and then the day inevitably comes to answer. Eh, how good it was when she was almost proud and didn’t bother about this topic... this could go on forever.
I suggest women think about the fact that maybe they shouldn’t demand actions beyond measure from a man or somehow correlate opportunities and desires. And it would be good to think about why a man doesn’t have much zeal for the real implementation of anything? And also think about how he feels when there is a credit of trust.
The conclusion suggests itself: maybe they (men) lack women’s faith in them, because just feeding him tasty food is not enough, besides, it would be great for the man he loves to be proud of and at least occasionally leave him alone. Then he will move mountains.
Women believe that men very rarely keep their word and keep their promises. It turns out that they are simply deceiving, which gives the ladies a lot of painful experiences. What is the reason for this behavior?
As you know, few people like to be forced to do something. And if at the same time they also lure out his “word of honor,” then it is unlikely that a representative of the stronger sex will fulfill the promise with pleasure and putting his soul into it. In order for a man to fulfill his promise, he, ideally, must reach this point himself and wish for it. If this does not work out, then a wise woman can guide her beloved so that he himself makes the right decision. By applying feminine cunning and knowledge of male psychology, you can achieve wonderful results.
Sometimes men can simply forget about what they promised while earning money, for example. It is necessary to remind him of this next time. Often representatives of the stronger sex can promise something in order not to upset their beloved. They don’t want to see their other half sad and sad. This, of course, does not justify their irresponsible attitude.
It is important to remember that a promise that was squeezed out of a man by a woman will never be fulfilled. Every person has the right to choose and it is always necessary to understand that a word given under any pressure should not have the right to be implemented.
It all depends on the situation. For example, a man promised to go to a cafe or to the cinema, but suddenly a friend called him asking for help. Male friendship is sacred, and there can be no doubt about priority here. In this case, the woman will most likely be offended and will not understand.
Often, men can promise their ladies to do something at a specific time, and then just remember about it two hours later. The woman will wait all this time and be very angry. Therefore, for men who have problems with punctuality, it is better to speak in abstract phrases, for example, the other day, in the evening, next month, etc.
It’s better for women not to worry too much about this topic. This way they can not only make their life easier, but also establish relationships on a deeper level. You need to learn to accept men as they are. And if you don’t like something in particular, discuss it with your loved one until he understands. When he doesn’t understand, but it touches you to the quick every time a promise is not kept, then perhaps you need to look for someone more fulfilling and reliable.
You shouldn't ask too much from a man. It is better to think about why he does not have serious motivation to fulfill his promise. Perhaps men simply lack women's faith in their strength and reliability.
Let's figure out why people promise and don't deliver, don't keep their promises. Why did a person promise but not do it? Why don't I keep my promises?
Promises are not for everyone
Perhaps you believe that there is an unspoken agreement between all people:
“If I say that I take on obligations, then I really take them on myself and I am going to fulfill them.”
When such an agreement is not kept, you wonder: “Why did this person not keep his promise? After all, he said what he was going to do, so he had to.”
Here is the answer to your question: this person did not believe that he had to do it when he spoke about it (“made a promise”). He said this just or for the purpose of getting something.
Sincere misunderstanding of promises
A person may sincerely not understand why, if he said, “If you give me A, then I will do B,” then he suddenly has to do it.
You ask: “If you weren’t going to do it, why did you promise?”, and he will answer with bewilderment: “Well, of course, if I hadn’t promised, they wouldn’t have given me what they agreed on.” For him, there is simply no connection between promises and obligations, so when you refer him to your own words in the past, it is perceived as trying to catch him on an extraneous trick. You think that you are trying to fulfill a promise that was clearly made in the past, but he sincerely believes that he is being manipulated, “caught by the tongue.”
"I'm tired of it"
A slightly different option is when a person is to some extent aware that “promises must be kept” (that is, his ideas about this more or less coincide with yours), but if a simple circumstance arises called "lost the desire" then he will easily refuse to fulfill this promise. “Keeping your word” is not an ironclad principle for him. This is how the chaotic nature of man manifests itself. For him, “no longer wanted” is a force majeure circumstance, force majeure. The result is usually the same as that of those who do not at all believe that a promise should be followed by its fulfillment.
What to do?
You need to understand that the people described exist, and they differ from you in their attitude towards promises - it is “hardwired” in your head that promises need to be kept, but they do not. Therefore, do not rely on the word they give - nothing good will come of it, but try to achieve what you need in other ways (for example, through prepayment and similar things) or avoid interacting with this person altogether.
What if I don't keep my promises?
At least now you understand why this happens. Be prepared for the corresponding consequences - for example, that they will avoid you, realizing that they cannot rely on you, or set more stringent conditions for you in various life situations.
