Rare relationships between a man and a woman can be called easy, uncomplicated. It’s not for nothing that they say: where feelings begin, logic ends there. Everything seems to be fine, family, children, a well-established life together, a joint vacation, and so on. What more could you want? And what else do you need?
And then, like a bolt from the blue, betrayal bursts in, and not just betrayal for the sake of sex, but out of great and pure love. Relationships in love triangle very complex, there are three main characters on stage - she, he and also she. So what is the right thing to do? How to understand this difficult situation? Many women ask these, and not only, questions, but to be honest, the most important question is: how to return the man you love, how to return love? That love that was there when we first met!?
I think he's cheating on me...
Sooner or later, every woman has such thoughts; in some cases they may not be justified, but sometimes they turn out to be true. Unfortunately, the presence of a stamp in a passport, an oath, is not a guarantee that a man will always love his wife, and most importantly, will be forever devoted and faithful. This only happens in fairy tales, and with very rare exceptions.
IN real life everything is different; over the years of marriage, many women are faced with their husband’s falling in love with another woman, and, accordingly, cheating. But you shouldn’t rush headlong into the pool; first of all, you need to make sure that your fears and suspicions are justified. And not mere speculation - after all, we young ladies can be very impressionable. So what are the signs of falling in love?
Each situation and family is unique, each man has his own character and his own attitude to life, values, etc. But still, in most cases, male love manifests itself in the same way, only some nuances appear. As psychologists say, falling in love can be with a woman in an open or closed relationship.
An open relationship implies the wife's knowledge of the presence of some young lady with whom her husband is connected through work, interests, children's friendship, etc. They are forced to spend time together, and periodically the husband and wife discuss their joint affairs and achievements.
Closed relationships are hidden from the wife; she cannot assume her husband’s passion. The husband himself is silent and does not reveal the presence of a girlfriend with a single word. In each case, the signs of falling in love are slightly different.
Signs of open love
In this case, the husband can’t get his girlfriend off his tongue. In discussing general achievements at work or a hobby, exclusively the contribution of the passion is discussed. In conversation all you can hear is: “Irochka this...”, “Irochka that...”. As a result of the conversation, more is known not about the successes in the affairs of her husband or the general company, but about the personal successes of “Irochka”.
There is also a second side to the coin; people can speak negatively about “Irochka”. Sometimes a husband can tell how bad she is, but at the same time remember her every half hour. We can say that this is a sincere attempt to protect himself from feelings for “Irochka”, or a deliberate deception - so that no suspicions arise.
Every woman should be wary of the fact when her husband meets, brings, takes and meets “Irochka” outside of working hours. Fears can be in vain only if the husband is a personal driver and this is his job. Although in this situation there may be suspicions.
Of course, you can justify your husband with his kindness and gallantry, but if the husband does not find time to go to the grocery store and do his household chores, then everything is clear. This is already a clear concern for another woman to the detriment of his own wife and family.
It is worth paying attention to constant SMS, private calls and correspondence on the Internet. Especially if the correspondence on social networks is under provocative pictures with subtle hints, or the correspondence contains gentle emoticons. In this case, you need to be wary.
It is especially alarming when meetings with “Irochka” take place to the detriment of the relationship with his wife. For a better understanding: for example, a cultural vacation was planned, but suddenly my husband needed to urgently leave for work, urgently meet and discuss some matters.
It would seem that everything is elementary - possible! Determining whether a man is in love in an open relationship can be simple. But there is a more complex option - closed relationships.
Signs of closed love
In order to understand and guess about hidden love, you need to show spy qualities and awaken the Sherlock Holmes in yourself. The husband will not say a word about any woman, will not show his feelings.
The most important sign is a change in the husband, from his mood to appearance. Falling in love changes not only a woman, giving her wings, but also men. The saddest thing is that the husband begins to gradually move away, he loses interest in communication, sex, and solving family difficulties.
If there is a hidden relationship, all men try to hide their means of communication, the phone is always with them, social media“password-protected”, and even when going to the toilet, the correspondence is hidden. The husband’s mood is high, even despite the overtime work and frequent business trips, which the husband is going on as if on a date.
Sooner or later, if a man has another love, there comes a lull in his sex life. At first, excuses: I’m tired at work, something hurts, etc., seemingly little things in life, happen to everyone. But gradually sex generally fades into the background and the husband can speak and openly express his reluctance.
Against this background, reproaches are added, and seemingly harmless ones, for washing dishes not clockwise, for under-salted or over-salted soup, with the obligatory “prefix” like this always, for toilet paper Pink colour and other “delights”.
These points indicate not only that the husband is in love, but also that the previous relationship, and the very concept of family, is going to hell. So what to do? And what is the action plan?
My husband loves someone else: what to do?
The most practical advice is, is it necessary to return love? Will a woman be able to survive betrayal and not once reproach her? Or is the purpose of forgiving the betrayal of love for another hidden in the possibility of constant reproaches? If so, then it's not worth it!
In order to understand whether a man is needed, you need to think about how life will change without him? You need to be honest with yourself and put aside the financial side of the issue, and analyze only from the position of feelings, think carefully about betrayal, and is complete forgiveness acceptable?
If parting is acceptable, and those relationships, oppression, and simply indifference turned out to be the last, decisive straw, then you can safely cut the ropes. And go on a free voyage. But if it is not possible to breathe without your beloved husband, then you will have to work hard and fight to the bitter end.
In the fight to return your husband’s love, you need to start not with calling your rival and sorting things out, but with yourself, and initially you need to work on your wounded pride and self-esteem.
What is the main thing in building self-esteem and self-esteem? No, not knowing all the poems of A.S. Pushkin, and quoting Goethe, and, first of all, appearance. Approaching the mirror, you need to evaluate yourself, not the extra centimeters on your waist, but find in yourself those virtues and advantages that have faded for various reasons. By collecting all your advantages in a heap, you thereby obtain a “weapon” that will help return a man’s love. The most important advantage of a woman is that it was her man who took her to the registry office and legitimized the relationship.
Changing your wardrobe, getting your hair done, radically dyeing your hair, and buying stylish accessories can greatly improve your self-esteem. Moreover, in changing the image double benefit, as they say, we combine business with pleasure. The wife's self-esteem and sense of self increase, the husband sees in front of him that beautiful woman whom he once led down the aisle.
Changing mood and behavior is also a weapon that must be used. How to hide sleepless nights with tears in your pillow? Good makeup and a constant smile. Of course, it's hard to smile when you've been betrayed. But who said it would be easy?
Returning lost love: instructions for use.
Quite often, men mistake falling in love and all the charm of the bouquet and candy period for love. But the real feeling with my wife, which had been tested over the years, crashed against the rocks of living together. In the arms of another woman, with whom there was simply no time to start arguing or face any problems - good. How else? All new relationships are wonderful and seem to last forever.
But in reality this is a mirage. And psychologists advise letting go for a while, don’t hold on to it. Let the husband plunge into this relationship. Let him evaluate the housekeeping of another woman. Many men find it difficult to get used to other arrangements if for many years their socks have been on the third shelf on the left, but for their new “love” they are at the very bottom, in the chest of drawers. Sooner or later this will become the subject of, perhaps not a scandal, but definitely a conversation.
And once again, when the unfaithful husband comes home, he sees the already familiar order, the smell of his favorite dishes, this will make him think. Even if he left immediately, there is no need to cry and scream after him. On the contrary, this is an excellent sign – the ice has broken. The next time the husband returns home for something, he will remember the smell of his home, its structure and way of life, which was built together over the years. He will remember his wife, whom, by the way, he did not hide from prying eyes, whom he was proud of and boasted about to his friends. Memories of past comfort, stability, old pleasant memories will make you think about whether this is love?
The most important task of a woman is not to throw tantrums, but to let go for a while. Lack of drive, adrenaline, fear of being exposed greatly affects the acuity of feelings. And they give a man the opportunity to understand, is this love? All romance and imaginary love may slowly but surely disappear.
And one day the door will open, and the faithful will stand on the threshold, asking to be accepted back into the family. But don't think that this is a victory. It's only begining. You can’t bring your anger down on your husband, shouting: “Well, have you had enough? “Irochka” turned out to be bad... Did you under-salt the borscht?” From such scandals and mutual reproaches, a man may doubt the correctness of his choice.
The husband has already made his choice, he returned, he realized that the family is better, and his arrival is nothing more than a request to be let back in, and, if possible, to start all over again.
Basic mistakes
The most common mistake many women make when faced with infidelity is hysterics. This happens on a whim, as a matter of course. Scandals, showdowns, tears, threats, sometimes even fights - these are situations that are typical in 90% of cases.
This situation “has remained at the genetic level” since the times of socialism. When a walking man was disgraced at a general meeting at work. And under pain of dismissal and surrendering my membership card, I had to return to my family. The main thing has been done - the husband in the family, but by what methods and with what consequences?
Today the situation is the same, only instead of the boss, friends are used, to whom all the dirty linen is turned out, all the family secrets are told. Many women resort to blackmail, any of them with children, own life. It’s not for nothing that they say that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force him to drink. Worth thinking about!
Therefore, in order for a man to fully return home, not only with his body, under the pressure of circumstances, but also with his soul, it is necessary to use women’s tricks. Female affection should be turned on at full capacity, because in most cases this is what the man was looking for on the side. And don't be afraid to look stupid.
Perhaps the man on the side was looking to share his own interests, therefore, you can begin to delve into his hobby, perhaps even doing it together. All topics discussed with your husband should be carefully chosen. Ideally, in this area, a man should be the strongest and have a better understanding than his wife. Men love to feel smarter and more important. He is the protector - the head of the family.
Before you try to return your beloved husband to the family, you need to realize that the old relationship is in the past. They are over. You need to build a new relationship, in any case, even if your husband is the same.
In building a new relationship with your old husband, you need to lock all your grievances in a dark closet and hang a barn lock. New relationships should begin with a light heart. A woman should always remain a woman, and this is not necessary for someone, but for a woman.
You need to be gentle, purposeful, to be the kind of woman that more than one man will not miss. And even after getting married, you should not give in and relax - this is necessary, first of all, for the woman herself. As soon as this simple truth get it in your head, no man will allow a relationship on the side.
Hello dear psychologists. Please tell me a way out of the situation.
I have been married for 2 years. I am 30 years old, I have a daughter from my first marriage and a 3-month-old son with my husband. My husband is 10 years older than me. My problem is that it seems to me that my husband lives with me because it’s convenient for him and his heart is different.
It seems to me that this is his stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She is 20 years younger than him and lives in civil marriage a young man. For her sake, he is ready to do a lot and is always incredibly happy about her rare calls. He tells me that I am loved and she is like a daughter to him.
I can't cope with attacks of jealousy. I constantly tease him, call him my beloved “Lady of the Heart”, I get angry when he is not ready to fulfill my requests or fulfills them with great reluctance; they do not seem to him so necessary for our or my well-being. It seems to me that if she asked him for anything, he would fly on the wings of love to fulfill her wishes. My jealousy infuriates him. And here it seems to me that during these scandals he does not behave like loving husband. Instead of hugging, kissing and saying, “Lenochka, you know that you are the best!” he says that I have a fucking brain and she is his daughter. And once during a scandal he said that she was better than me. Then the next day I actually added something. The fact that she is not talking all kinds of nonsense, the fact that he can be proud of her upbringing because he himself contributed, but it doesn’t seem to me that he no longer raised but simply spent his leisure time pleasantly. They went to the beach together when she was 14. And in general, he really likes to talk about her childhood and youth. And I find it very unpleasant to listen to. Living in a previous marriage, he tried to earn money to send his child to school; living with me, he also works, but does not try as hard as he can. After the death of her mother, her husband gave Natasha a gold ring under the pretext that he promised to give her an engagement ring, but he gives me cheap perfume and did not congratulate me on my thirty years at all, but his mother gave the gift. On
February 23 after calling all my friends with the news that “amazing beautiful woman will give him a son,” he calls her with the words “daughter, come to my house, you don’t know what’s going on in my head when I talk to you,” and she laughed into the phone. I then said after that that I didn’t love him anymore and let’s break up, he got upset then he said that he was terribly cold. We made up because I also felt cold and empty. Upon discharge from the maternity hospital, when she arrived, I was incredibly happy about her visit, they stayed together all the time, almost didn’t approach me, only when the photographer said Lena and Andrey kiss. It even happened that Natasha took my son in her arms and he stood next to them and they were photographed. The photographer was smart enough not to take this photo, he would have been better off doing it, otherwise he assures that this did not happen. With all this, he dares to assure me that he loves me, that she is the best because she gave him a son, he dares to pester me and call me Lapulichka. In general, he latched onto me like a tick
I am a very beautiful woman, I think so because very often I receive bonuses in the form of attention from other people’s men and small services such as screwing in a light bulb on my floor when I didn’t even ask for it, but also all sorts of things like that. And women often tell me about this. I am not offended by the attention of other men. Once I asked, without a scandal, why Natasha is better than me a few months later and he replied that she does not fly in the clouds, and at 30 years old I am like a child, although I am the mother of two children. And in general, he often reproaches me when he’s drunk for being reckless and inspired (I have such shortcomings) and that I don’t listen to him when he says or asks something (I have such character traits, they manifest themselves in communication not only with him, I can get hooked in in my thoughts for the spoken word, think about the information received and accidentally skip everything else, then I ask again, which terribly infuriates those around me
I can't cope with attacks of jealousy. I’m trying to distance myself from doing chores but at the same time being a stranger, but when I understand that he’s not taking steps towards reconciliation, I start to break down again, teasing and reproaching. I have a bad headache, I want to sleep, there’s no incentive for life, I’m struggling with my emotions to Don't walk around with the face of an unsatisfied woman. It seems to me that marriage is destroying my health, it happens that out of frustration I can barely force myself to take care of my children (especially his little son, who does not inspire me with maternal feelings at all, I of course love him, he just doesn’t make me happy, as my daughter once did in infancy)
Why don't I take such a step as divorce? There are several reasons for this
The first and most difficult is, if not love, then emotional dependence. I’m used to it and miss him terribly when he’s gone.
The second is that I am a believer and the priest does not bless the divorce, but recommends saving the relationship - taking care of your appearance, the house, a good dinner and even working on bed relationships
The third person in the divorce, I’m afraid that I might be tempted, i.e. to enter into an extramarital relationship and this is a sin, I would not want sin in my life, although Lately I often have thoughts about finding a lover.
Although if they think about it, I will also receive my bonuses from him. Before his marriage to me, he drank a lot, but after marriage he almost stopped. Does a lot around the house.
What do you advise me in this situation? I’m reading the book “The Charm of Femininity” on the Internet; I just started reading it, but I don’t believe it anymore. They write there that a wife can awaken unearthly love in her husband, but can she awaken it in him a second time if another has already done it. They won’t build the Taj Mahal a second time for another. It seems to me easier to inspire an alcoholic neighbor to have flower beds growing under my window and not empty bottles lying around than to make my own husband fall in love with me.
I am very interested in the psychologist's opinion on this matter. Help me please.
Sincerely, Elena
“My husband loves someone else, but lives with me” - you can often find a headline on forums in which a woman asks for help with advice in a similar situation.
And how harshly we can sometimes think or speak out about this, not realizing that this could happen to everyone.
But in fact, this development of events baffles every woman. What to do if your loved one has someone else?
Assessment of the situation
What should be taken away from what happened is that this is not just cheating in order to diversify routine life if a man fell in love with another woman.
That is why the legal wife should be especially careful in this case.
First of all, you need to try to look at everything that happened with different eyes and identify possible causes.
Why doesn't he leave?
What to do if the husband said that he loves someone else, but he has no intention of leaving at all?
It is worth considering the reasons why a man usually does not intend to leave his family, in more detail:
- Children. If they are still small, then he, of course, will want to participate in their upbringing. But if they are big, then he may just want to avoid condemnation, remaining in their eyes the same exemplary father.
- Relatives. Women often claim that their family is considered exemplary and if it breaks up, then “what will their relatives say?” Husbands think the same way, fearing that they will be turned away from them by standing in defense of their legal wife, as the most injured party.
- Convenience of life. No matter how cynical this may sound, this is actually true. Everyday life at home is organized, dinner is cooked, his wife takes care of him: irons his shirts, cleans, and washes his clothes. And at the same time, the husband loves another, with her he takes a break from work and routine. Often a man is completely satisfied with this state of affairs. Is the wife ready to put up with this? Only she herself can answer this question.
- Material wealth. The fear of losing what they have acquired also drives men. Either he or his wife can support the family. And if everything is clear with the second case, then, you ask, why should a man be afraid for his wealth in the first case? But after a divorce, he will have to part with a lot. And this happens a lot.
- Hobby is not serious. Despite declaring his love for another woman to his wife, it may happen that on a subconscious level the man understands that his infatuation is not serious, and that his love will soon pass. In this case, he does not want to lose his family, expecting to break the connection soon.
How to get your husband back?
If you have the strength to forgive and accept, then you should endure and try to take action. various ways.
It is important to avoid quarrels, ultimatums, threats, demands to immediately leave the homewrecker, spoken in a categorical tone.
Remember the immortal painting “Love and Doves”, in which a similar classic triangle is considered. What married man What attracted you to your mistress in the first place?
Unusual character, beauty, intelligence and precisely the dissimilarity of that other woman from a wife who is not only simple, but has also been thoroughly studied over the years of living together.
However, every man values his own family, which means that he will return.
To this we can add statistical figures, according to which 90% of husbands return to their legal and natural wife.
But in this situation, it is you who should decide what is supposed to be done - save the family or let your husband go.
Not only eminent psychologists, but also life experience speak about the fact that only a woman can decide such issues.
Assessing your chances
“He loves someone else” - these words not only sound bitter, but usually cause disappointing damage to a woman’s self-esteem.
Self-esteem in many cases drops greatly and one gives up. After all, in addition to work and home, the wife is entrusted with taking care of the children and the husband himself; in many cases there is not enough time for herself.
But if there is still love and it is complemented by the desire to return the husband to the family, then change must begin with oneself.
What should be changed?
- Appearance. Drastically. It’s worth trying on a new look, dyeing your hair a new shade, losing weight. First, of course, you need to consult with a hair stylist, or try to independently assess whether the new style will suit you. The main rule is to not become too ridiculous in trying to look good. If a woman is older, then it is better to emphasize her elegance with outfits, appropriate care and haircut. This look will be luxurious. And it’s better for young girls to change their style and take better care of themselves.
- Character. Yes, yes, that’s exactly what needs to be changed! But you should never “break” yourself through force and towards accepting the situation as it is! On the contrary, you need to appear strong-willed, try to remove notes of hysteria and scandalism, if any, and be more balanced.
- Find a hobby. It will allow you to take your mind off the situation for a long time. Believe me, in a difficult situation, after betrayal, and even being almost on the verge of divorce, a woman simply needs an outlet. You can choose whatever you like as an activity. Scrapbooking, origami, embroidery, sand painting and much more. By focusing on their creation and distracting yourself from the situation, you can soon feel full of strength and rested. It is very important.
- Engage in self-development. Sign up for dancing, read, go to trainings, learn languages - do everything that you once could not do due to lack of time. Reduce household chores as much as possible, and spend the free time on yourself, walking with your children, having fun with them, and taking care of yourself. Let your husband understand in this way that you can cope with everything together without him. In addition, the long absence of his wife from home can cause jealousy even in a man who considers himself in love with another woman. After all, how can it be that his wife could please anyone else?
- The last fact stems from the previous one. Get yourself a fan. If this is unacceptable for you, then just dress in such a way as to please other men. Jealousy, it’s worth repeating, is considered one of the most reliable ways to regain your husband’s interest. He will soon be able to completely forget about the other woman, again and again trying to win his wife.
Believe me, all the beneficial changes will become noticeable not only to you, and your efforts will not be in vain.
Having felt the full taste of life and once again become fragrant and smiling, you will again become the woman whom your husband once loved.
In addition to this, surround him with care, but not too visible. Get ready delicious dishes, give him unobtrusive and, most importantly, sincere compliments.
Ultimately, make him feel like a man. Not only women are able to “love with their ears.”
Feeling that he is needed, irreplaceable, realizing that he is needed here more than in another, someone else’s family, he will soon be able to understand that his feelings for another woman were just a momentary infatuation.
You can't pardon
If a husband loves another, but does not leave, then for the wife such a situation is several times more painful.
Firstly, serious torment begins, a search for reasons begins, and secondly, the woman is in constant stress that the man is about to get tired of it and leave her.
Accepting betrayal can be difficult, but such a development of events in which the husband does not make the final choice is much more difficult.
In this case, the wife will know about the other woman and will morally have to accept her. Most often, this is tolerated for the sake of children, prosperity, or simply fearing the condemnation of relatives.
But if there is no more love and you don’t want to accept the humiliating development of events, then there is only one way out - to leave, without looking at the opinions of strangers.
Such a decision is worth making if you just want freedom, there is no desire to endure the situation, betrayal, or the attitude of a man.
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Decide everything yourself, pack your bags and throw your unfaithful hubby out the door. Take care of yourself and your happiness will soon find you.
The main thing is not to dwell on your worries for too long. As soon as you say goodbye to the past, new events will be ready to enter your life, filling it with new meaning.
