When a man finds a mistress to take a little break from family life and restore his self-esteem, he does not think about the fact that he may soon become so attached to a new passion that he will begin to consider it love. At some point, a man may catch himself thinking that... Is this possible? The men's site will expose all illusions, giving a clear answer to the question at hand.
To understand whether you love or not, you need to start with the definition of love. This is where difficulties arise. People understand love differently. Some consider love to be the passionate feelings that a man can experience for his mistress. Others believe that love is a feeling of respect for another person whom you know and understand well. A man can feel a similar feeling towards his wife. Still others generally understand love as a kind of exciting feeling that pushes a person to think about only one partner. In such a situation, a man cannot love two women at the same time.
So, is it possible to love both women at once? Psychologists do not believe in such love, because they understand it as attachment to a person, which manifests itself in the desire to care, help and maintain constant contact with a partner. Based on this, a man does not love his wife because he hurts her with his relationship with another woman, as well as his mistress, who suffers while waiting for her man to get a divorce.
If a man wonders whether he can love his wife and his mistress at the same time, it may turn out that he does not love anyone at all, but confuses other experiences with a bright emotion.
Sex and love between a man and a woman are two fundamental components of a strong family relationship. For a number of reasons, many people have distorted these two concepts and acquired a certain base character. But families, which are distinguished by their strength and friendship, claim that “love cannot exist without sex, and sex cannot exist without love.”
Love is a mysterious feeling that arises in a person towards another and forces him to care and give everything, sparing no effort. The modern concept of love is like some kind of bolt from the blue, which amazes from the first seconds of meeting the object of love. Psychologists objectively call this feeling passion, that is, there is a desire to be with another person, to get something new and interesting for oneself, but in this case there can be no question of any long and stable relationship.
Sex is the physical attraction of two people to each other for the purpose of self-satisfaction and conception of a child. Our modern man sexually, he went to two extremes: either he is a flighty person who has sex with everyone, or he “turns into a nun” and “no sex before marriage.” And all the supporters of this or that view talk about it as if they themselves came up with it and are experts.
The separation of love and sex from each other gives rise to a lot of psychosomatic diseases and pathological disorders. For example, there was a case when a girl was so faithful to her boyfriend that she mentally punished herself every time she liked another guy on the street. As a result, she developed a rash all over her body: “since you are not worthy of being attractive to others, so be it.”
Having sex without love takes a lot masculine energy. This is why men turn their backs on women after sex. And love without sex leads to weakening feelings and betrayal. When a person loves, he has a natural desire to touch his loved one. And if there is no desire, then love is not fueled by anything, and the man is looking for the one who is interested in him.
Love and sex go hand in hand. Don't give in to other people's stupid opinions. Let both be present in your relationship, mutually developing each other.
How is this possible?
Can a man love his wife and his mistress at the same time? Experts answer that this is impossible. Why does it seem different to a person? He confuses some feelings with others.
A mistress definitely always evokes feelings in a man. If the mistress did not arouse passion, the man would not be able to sleep with her. Thus, if a man confuses passion with love, then he falls into illusion.
Another misconception of a man may be that he thinks his mistress is ideal simply because she does not exhibit the qualities that his wife demonstrates. It’s a mistake to talk about loving a woman just because she doesn’t have the wife’s shortcomings. It may turn out that the mistress has many other shortcomings that the wife does not have.
A man may also think that he loves his mistress because she gives him the happiness that is missing in his family life. The mistress knows what she must do, because otherwise the man will stop dating her. However, you should not call “the way to solve your problems” love.
Why does a man think he loves his wife?
- Guilt. In fact, the man feels guilty for his actions in front of his wife. He feels pity for her, which may be confused with love.
- Respect. The wife lived with the man for a long time, gave him a lot, saw him in any form and accepted him as such. A man simply respects a woman who was able to accept him.
- Habit. A man is so afraid of divorcing his wife that he begins to confuse his fears with love.
Where does the love for both women come from?
Why does a man begin to think that he loves two women at once? Let's look at how the process works. Why does a man start looking for a mistress? Something is not going well and smoothly in his family relationships. A man, at the sight of a potential lover, allows himself to cheat not only because of exploding hormones, but also because of the desire to finally satisfy all his needs.
The man begins love relationship with his mistress. Naturally, he becomes pleased. Both women give him everything he needs. One serves him, raises his children, and the second satisfies him mentally and physically. A man develops feelings for his mistress, who excites him and makes him enjoy life again.
At the same time, relations with my wife improve. After all, the man stops quarreling with her and finding flaws in her. All his needs are satisfied, so everything that the wife does suits the man. As arguments stop, relationships improve. And it may seem to a man that his former love for his wife has been renewed.
In fact, it turns out that the man does not love anyone, but simply feels a sense of satisfaction due to the fact that all his problems were solved at the expense of two women.
Who to break up with and who to stay with?
Love cannot exist for two people at the same time. A man most likely does not love anyone, otherwise it would be easier for him to determine who is dearer to him. Love can only exist for one person. And if a dilemma arises, then the man does not see in any of the women the only one with whom he would like to stay. However, this will not save a man from having to decide with whom to stay.
- It is unlikely that a wife will accept her mistress if she finds out about her husband’s secret life.
- It is unlikely that a mistress will agree to forever remain second to her wife and not have her wedding with a man.
Therefore, you will have to choose and part with someone. This decision It will be painful either way. You will have to choose between what to give up in order to remain with the rest of the benefits. In other words, a man does not want to decide to break up with one of the women, since he will have to limit himself in some way, whereas with two women he has everything.
Since it is impossible to sit on two chairs, a man must make a decision. The following points will help:
- What are you willing to give up? What kind of future do you want to face?
- Who do you actually love, even just a little bit? To whom does a man have a stronger attachment?
Should I go to my mistress?
A man may think that it’s time to go to his mistress, because she evokes feelings in him, excites him, sexually excites him. He is already tired of the monotonous life with his wife, but with his mistress it is interesting. To understand whether it is necessary to leave for his mistress, a man should think about whether this is:
- An escape from family life.
- Deficit of feelings.
A mistress must satisfy a man completely in all respects. If this is not the case, then the man will most likely exchange the awl for soap. A mistress also has her shortcomings. She, too, over time may begin to not satisfy the man. Family life with her may generally be even worse than with your ex-wife.
In order not to mess things up, a man sometimes needs to wait a little. If you are just faced with the dilemma of who you love more, then it is better to give yourself time. The mistress has not yet shown herself, and the conflicts in the family have only subsided, but have not completely disappeared. You need to let yourself calm down in order to figure out what a man really feels for each of the women.
I love both my wife and my mistress - the opinion of psychologists
What do psychologists think about a man’s love for both his wife and his mistress? Their opinions differ. Some people think that love does not have a specific object, but can be all-encompassing. Others believe that there are different types of love, so a man can love two women differently. There are adherents of one-faced love who believe that it is impossible to love two or more people.
Be that as it may, a man must understand that every woman (wife and mistress) gives him something for which he has feelings for them. One provides him with a family, the other serves him physically and psychologically. Accordingly, he also gives them different things, which is why love is different.
What should a man do in the end?
You can let the situation take its course, which is not bad if the man eventually decides who to stay with and who to leave. However, if you leave everything as it is, you may end up losing a person who is truly dear to you. Therefore, a man needs to think carefully or even use the services of psychologists.
Almost all men cheat on their wives. But not all of them leave the family. What if the husband said that he loves her and wants to leave the family? Is it worth trying to keep him and save his family? If you decide to forgive your husband and stay with him, you need to determine what kind of woman his mistress is.
Why did this happen and what to do?
Perhaps this question will be the first to arise in your head when your husband notifies you of his decision. The reasons that prompted him to enter into a relationship with another woman. But whatever prompted him to take such a step, he fell in love with her. Or he thinks he's in love. That's why he told you about its existence.
But mistresses are also different. Not everyone is ready to accept your husband. So if you decide to fight for your man, then your action plan should be built depending on what your husband’s mistress is like.
She doesn't need him
Many men are mistaken that any woman who has an intimate relationship with them will be happy to live with him and take care of him. The times of Turgenev's young ladies, who were more afraid than death of being rejected and disgraced, are in the past.
Many women these days think rationally. They don't let feelings and emotions take over. After all, having a family or living together with someone means daily work and work on yourself. It is also necessary to adapt to each other, negotiate and seek compromises.
But she doesn't want that. Living alone is much easier and more convenient. And it’s easy to realize your physiological needs for sex. To do this, it is not necessary to have a stamp in your passport. So she has no thoughts of taking your husband away from the family.
Meeting your husband is comfortable and safe. Because married men tend to have fewer casual sexual relationships. This means that he will not reward her with some unpleasant venereal disease.
Behind married man cared for by the legal spouse. She washes and irons his clothes, feeds him and treats him if he is sick. That is, she gets all the hardships of living together. And for the mistress - only a pleasant pastime, unburdensome communication.
How to identify her
She does not try to inform you about her existence, does not call again and does not demand that your husband spend the weekend with her. She doesn't go to public events with him or meet his friends. Even if she got pregnant, then, firstly, she probably did it deliberately, and secondly, she will give birth to a child for herself, because she wants to become a mother, and not your husband’s new wife. She most likely doesn’t even need alimony. There will be a long dash in the “Father” column on the baby’s birth certificate.
He spends money on it, you will notice that your budget has become more modest. Otherwise why would he need it? After all, her attitude towards him is exclusively consumerist.
How to deal with it
The most pleasant thing about such a mistress is that there is no need to take action. If the husband thinks that they have love and mutual understanding, then he is greatly mistaken.
Once you have decided to go to her, then don’t hold back. Just wait. As soon as he appears on her doorstep with a suitcase, she will instantly turn him back. Or not so fast, but they won’t be able to live long.
And he will return home to you. Because you have comfort and peace. You need it. At a distance, such moments can be felt much better than when living together.
She dreams of a family
This type of mistress is the most unpleasant. They can be characterized as follows: he just said “hello”, and she already mentally married him and gave birth to three children. When such a woman enters a room, she seems to scan everyone present with her eyes in search of the ideal candidate. She is constantly searching until she gets hooked on someone. And it doesn’t matter to her whether her chosen one is married, because she is looking for love in the sense in which she understands.
This one will strive to literally devour your husband. She calls annoyingly, tries to spend everything with him free time, weekend. At some point, her obsession will begin to irritate.
But if you and your husband have a breakdown in your relationship, then she will literally insert herself into it like a wedge. And he will try to do everything to win over your husband.
How to identify her
Such women can be recognized by the look of a “half-milked cow.” She smiles flirtatiously at all men, and arrogantly brushes aside other women. If, upon meeting you, you wanted to pick up a heavier frying pan and move it across your face so that an imprint remains, then you have identified it.
She is not dangerous to you if your husband sees that she has an uneven attitude towards all men in general. If you pay attention to her behavior, then from a catwoman with a fluffy tail she will turn in his eyes into a shabby gray mouse.
But if nature has awarded her with impressive secondary sexual characteristics, then she will still attract attention. But, most likely, then more sadness will appear in her eyes. After all, men have probably used her gullibility and desire to start a family more than once for their own selfish purposes.
How to deal with it
It is difficult to fight such a special one. She is always sweet, good, and in a great mood. And the worst thing is that she praises your husband to the skies. And he is overwhelmed with happiness on his homemade Olympus.
So if he has not left yet, and you want to keep him, then you will need to start working on yourself. Become better, more attractive. You will have to put in a lot of effort to become better than her.
But is it worth it? Together you will spoil your husband. He will be flattered that for his sake 2 women are competing to stay with him. It is likely that your husband will relax in such a situation and stop working on your relationship.
For a mistress, subservient behavior in front of a man is normal. It is more important for her to get the coveted stamp in her passport, serve her husband and be an exemplary wife. Endure everything and endure everything. After all, being a woman, or rather, a wise woman, is not easy. But she is ready to do anything to be right.
With such a wife, a man will feel comfortable and comfortable. After all, she will do everything impossible so that he does not leave her.
She loved him
Above we described two opposite types of mistresses: the first does not need a husband in principle, the other is ready to pick up the first person she meets. But most often there is an intermediate option. Such a woman doesn’t seem to have big plans for your husband, but somehow everything just started spinning and spinning. And she even fell in love with him herself.
She herself may be married, but her marital relationships weigh on her. And in her relationship with your husband, she finds something that will compensate for her dissatisfaction. Or she may not be married. It’s just that marriage itself is not a goal for her.
The relationship with your husband is developing on its own. But at first you won't guess anything. Then you will feel that there is less money in the family, and you now see your husband less often. He himself strives to spend time with her.
How to identify her
It will not be possible to identify such a mistress at first glance. She is unremarkable in this regard. He communicates calmly with both women and men.
The only thing you can notice is random gestures and ambiguous phrases. Maybe she exchanges phrases with your husband, the meaning of which is clear only to the two of them. And your husband’s behavior changes when she’s around.
How to deal with it
Dealing with such a mistress is difficult, but possible. To do this, you need to understand what your husband lacked in family life. Or, on the contrary, what was too much? Remember that everything is good in moderation. If you are a caring wife, then do not try to strangle him with your care. If you love to cook, then do not fatten your husband as if for slaughter.
In this case, in a relationship with his mistress, he is looking for peace and freedom, the opportunity to breathe calmly, without fear of you. So all you need to do is loosen your grip a little.
Once you have learned about its existence, then try to calmly talk with your husband frankly and calmly. What did he find there? Maybe if he loves you, you will try to overcome this crisis together. Both of you will work on your relationship and on yourselves.
There's a spark between them
You have been married for several years. Love your husband with a calm, respectful love. You feel good and comfortable together. If there was passion in the relationship, it has already cooled down and has been replaced by affection and mutual respect.
Your husband had no plans to cheat on you. But he met someone else, passion took them over. He fell in love and lost his head.
Most likely, you have noticed before that you and your husband are different people. But we decided not to seek passions for ourselves. He good man, you value and respect him. What else is needed for a prosperous family life?
How to identify her
If you find yourself in a room where she and your husband will be, you will notice that the air is literally melting between them. As they approach each other, sparks are about to fly in all directions. They may not notice anyone around, the whole world has narrowed around them.
His usual movements, facial expressions, gestures, and intonation change. You look at him and don't recognize him. Or you find out, but sadly note that he was like that at the very beginning of your relationship, and now...
If you haven’t seen her, then you feel a change in your husband. His mood changes. He becomes sad if he does not see or communicate with her for a long time. He takes every opportunity to write or call her. And, naturally, he hides it from you. Now he has more restrictions on you. It is unlikely that he will voluntarily give you his phone number.
Someday you will find traces of her presence in your shared car; her hair and the smell of perfume may remain on her husband’s clothes.
Yours will change too intimate life. Your husband will avoid intimacy in every possible way, and at such moments it will seem that he is not with you mentally.
How to deal with it
It is useless to fight it, especially until passions subside. Then it will be clear what their relationship will turn into. Maybe they will see that they are not suitable for each other and go their separate ways. Then your husband will return to you with a feeling of guilt.
Or passion will turn into love. They are made for each other. You will have no choice but to retreat and, if possible, maintain a normal relationship with your husband. Start rebuilding your life without him. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, your relationship is ending right now.
Don't take failure in your family life personally. After all, you did the right thing. Passion is an unreliable advisor in relationships. You used common sense. And he might never have met her.
Then you would live peacefully and safely into old age together. But would you be happy or at some point would you suddenly realize with horror that you had lost so many years with a good, but step-by-step person? It's better this way.
The wife is beautiful, slim, young, pretty, there are no children yet - all attention is only to her husband. And the husband, the asshole, runs to the side. I ask him openly, why are you cheating on your wife? The answer I received was mind-blowing! The guy sincerely believed that he was a first-class male and it was stupid to give himself to one woman, and in general all men are polygamous, it’s just that some are constrained by social norms of decency.
- And love? – I ask – I married for love!
– A married man loves his mistress and his wife equally, only he takes his own from each! – I heard in response.
Breath of fresh air
Well, if in such an ideal family situation the husband goes to the left, then how can we reproach the fathers of families who are mired in everyday worries. For them, a mistress is an outlet, joy in life, an opportunity to get emotional relief from the family, being in reliable female hands. The wife saves money at home - she buys everything in stores on special offers, but here a trip to the luxurious, relaxing atmosphere of a restaurant is only welcome.
Can a married man fall in love with another woman who brings him back to peace of mind and allows him to feel not like a slave, but a master of life? Certainly! She gives him a massage, heart-to-heart conversations, and a romantic dinner... My wife could do that too, but she has children, cooking, washing, ironing. She values this so much that she would give up everything and find a lover herself.
Pseudo-love
Cases of a married man falling in love can be considered from the perspective of youthful marriage. Often, without understanding feelings or checking them, a couple enters into an alliance. But over time, everything changes dramatically. Feelings do not stand the test of time and family trials, restrictions of freedom and responsibilities. A marriage can last until one of them meets a new, mature, balanced love.
If a married man loves his mistress deeply and sincerely, the question of divorce arises. Should a wife feel insulted or betrayed? When there are no children and behind not long years, but a couple of years together - not at all. This is her chance in life too begin everything with started, act more thoughtfully and for your own good.
Provincial Sultan. Can a man love his wife and mistress?
Love, like a new universe, is born from a grain and grows into an event of unprecedented proportions. You never know whether it will end or whether this amazing feeling will be with you for the rest of your life. For some people, such happiness happens several times in their lives.
An amazing trio lives in our house - husband, wife and mistress. They have existed peacefully within the confines of a three-room “Khrushchev” for the second decade. All the grannies in the area know the story of their reunion. The famous local tennis player Stanislav Ivanovich got married at the behest of his mother. She found him a girl from a decent family, educated, with an influential father. The marriage was profitable. But Stasik loved a completely different girl from his school days. Overcoming my mother’s desire turned out to be more difficult than breaking up with Tasya, and therefore soon Stanislav Ivanovich’s passport bore a marriage stamp. But, they say, he was not faithful to his wife for a minute. As soon as I had a minute, I ran to Taisiya. At first, Marina (the wife) struggled with this phenomenon, then she decided that time heals, and then she met Taisya personally, out of curiosity and with a request to leave her husband, since she was expecting a child.
For ten years no one had seen Taya and no one knew where she was. During this time, Stas drooped and walked around forever sad. The grannies whisper that Marina found it herself ex-lover husband. As soon as Marina and Stas sent their son to military school, Taya moved in with them. They were not tormented for long by the question of whether a man could love his mistress and his wife at the same time. All three got together for dinner one day and sincerely talked about their feelings. WITH Tanislav Ivanovich admitted to the women that he loves them both and believes that they complement each other perfectly. He cannot part with one of them, and therefore asked the ladies to get along and live together from now on, so that the idyll would be complete. And Stanislav Ivanovich’s grandfathers long ago nicknamed him the Sultan. They'll be jealous for sure!
Consensual love triangle
Situations with a love triangle occur even in strong families. It’s as if an eclipse falls on one of the spouses and in the darkness he loses all life guidelines and values. My colleague had an ideal family for 13 years. But one day her husband changed a lot. It happened overnight. In the morning the normal husband left, in the evening he returned thoughtful, nervous, with signs of panic. Christina couldn’t question him for a long time, she was worried. Only a month later Timur told her that he had strong feelings for one girl, that he had lied to her about his marital status. Timur himself did not understand how he is a married man may fall in love with another woman. Christina then fell into complete despair. The husband claimed that he loved her and their child, valued them and was not ready to exchange them for a sudden outburst of feelings, but he was constantly in the clouds, ignored Kristinka’s hints of intimacy, and mentally distanced himself from her.
This situation baffled both of them. Christina was just waiting to see what would happen next. She tried to find excuses for Timur herself. The colleague decided that since Timur married her because she was pregnant, it turns out that she forced him. Christina was head over heels in love with him, but suddenly Timur didn’t love her at all when he proposed. Such thoughts did not give the woman peace. Christina really decided that she was different - real love husband, that if it weren’t for her, these two would have started a family long ago. While Christina was thinking, her husband moved from words to action and soon told her that his mistress was pregnant from him. However, Timur had no intention of leaving the family. He showered his wife with gifts, saying that he loved her, but his feelings for the other were still great. So Timur now lives in two families. Christina does not know her mistress. She only knows her name - Evgenia.
It is not clear where this strange love came from, interfering in an exemplary family. Apparently, it’s really much more difficult to manage feelings than we think. Christina did not want to change anything and accepted her husband’s child from another woman, but there were millions of ways to act in this situation. Every woman decides for herself to humble herself or win back her own. If Christina had been more decisive and categorical, her husband would not have gone so far, but she surrendered to the will of fate, taking a passive position. The meaning of her actions will probably only be understood by those who have been in a similar situation.
Who is the constant here?
Being a mistress is not easy, understanding that you are not the only woman, even though you have the status of a wife, is even harder. Such a situation can be prevented, but this will require all female insight, cunning, a car of patience and endless self-control.
A man can love his wife and his mistress. In the performance of one, he likes borscht, and he idolizes the other for carnal pleasures and the opportunity to renounce everyday life. The question is who in this formula of love will be a constant and who will be a variable.
What to do if a man does not give in and makes you to blame for everything?
What can you do? Change the man, he himself will hardly change. Find yourself a compliant person who is easy to make guilty for any reason. By the way, has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you really are wrong? No?
If he says he won't leave his wife?
I don’t understand you - the man tells you in plain text that he will never, under any circumstances, leave his wife for you. And you ask: “What does this mean?” This means that all your hopes and dreams of marrying him, having children, living as a family are simply unrealistic fantasies! And note - your married lover tells you this directly and honestly, he is not deceiving you. And you know what else? If you bother him with this question, he will leave you. Of course, he will leave you anyway when he gets tired of you, but if you pester him, this will happen very quickly.
Why did the married man not love his wife and not leave her? What reason?
The reason is simple - your married lover is telling you lies. In the meantime, he lives quietly with his family and happily uses you for sex and recreation, for variety and pleasure! This standard scheme- tell your mistress that you don’t love your wife, that you don’t sleep with your wife, that you’re about to leave her (option: you can’t leave because of the children), and in the meantime you can calmly have both a wife and a mistress. And so - for years.
Should you tell your married lover that you want to see him more often?
And if you say, don’t say, he won’t come back from these conversations more often. You should always remember that for a married man, his mistress is not in the first place; there are things that are much more important for him. And to talk - well, talk if you want, there will be no harm or benefit from it. But if you start expressing displeasure at the fact that he rarely comes, then a scandal could happen. Sometimes, after such statements, the lover stops coming altogether. Much, of course, depends on what kind of person he is, what kind of relationship you have with him, but in general, married lovers do not like problems, they do not like when their mistress forces them to do something and expresses displeasure. The only thing that can work here is if you try to make your meetings with your lover better, maybe then he will come to you more often. High-quality means more sex, more pleasure and fun, and no problems!
If my lover says don’t call, will I call myself depending on the circumstances?
I translate: don’t call, don’t pester me, I don’t need you now, I have someone with me now. But when and if there is no one with you, then I will call you myself, set a time when you are ready, come and fuck you. Now disappear!
How to get your married lover back after first sex?
More precisely: after the first and last. This kind of sex is also called “once or twice”. In your case - by one. A married man just fucked you and immediately forgot, and you already managed to think through your entire future life with him, starting from his divorce from his wife and ending with arranging furniture in your new, large and spacious apartment! And specifically on the question - why do you need a lover who needs to be returned after every sex?
My lover doesn't say he loves me, he just treats me well?
Or maybe he doesn’t love you, but just treats you well. Although for some it is easier for a man to kill himself against a wall than to speak words of love. And there are men who sing about love like a nightingale, but love no one but themselves. Judge better by deeds, not by words.
My lover listens to my advice and shares about painful things. This is fine?
Of course it's normal. If your advice helps him, then good. If I didn't need advice, I wouldn't ask. Many men consult with their wives and mistresses on everyday issues, in which women are usually more oriented. And if you share your pain, it means you have a close relationship with your lover and he perceives you as a family member. Unless, of course, he shares this painful problem with everyone - there is this type of man, weak and weak-willed.
How can you tell if a married lover loves you?
It is very easy to understand whether your lover loves you or not. We must focus not on his words, but on his actions. Consider only his specific actions towards you and nothing else. Does he show his tenderness through action - caresses, hugs, kisses, or does he just strive to quickly get you into bed and fuck you? Does he always call first to make an appointment, ask about his well-being, problems? Does he give gifts? Does he help with housework or financially? Does he always take your side in life’s conflicts or leaves you to deal with your problems yourself? And so on. Taking as a basis the deeds and actions of your lover, and not his words, you will not let him deceive you and you will clearly see his true attitude towards you!
Always remember: Love is not words, but actions.
How long can a relationship with a married man last?
Much depends on the lovers themselves, especially on the woman. A smart and careful mistress can date her married lover for years without his wife knowing about it. That is, a smart lover does not create problems for herself or her lover, receiving only positive and pleasure from her relationship with him. Married men value such mistresses, because they, too, get only good sex, positive emotions and the joy of communication from being with them. A love affair ends where problems begin.
How should a mistress behave when her (married) lover has cooled off towards her?
You need to break up with such a lover. Not much, but he’s married, which means there are no prospects in terms of arranging a personal life with him, so he’s also “cooled down.” Has it cooled down? Drive in the neck! You need a lover - you can easily find someone hot, especially since married people don’t scare you.
And it’s better, of course, to find an unmarried man and marry him. Life goes by.
Why do men immediately pull me into bed?
Well, firstly, because a man is designed this way - the sexual comes before everything else, and therefore a man first of all strives to master a woman sexually, this gives him confidence in his own importance for her. And secondly, you apparently belong to the type of women with whom there is simply nothing to do outside of bed. If you suffer from the “What about talking?” syndrome, then you need to learn to use your sexual attractiveness as bait, following which men will strive to conquer you, instead just to put you to bed. This is not so difficult to do, and on our website there are articles on this topic in the Love category.
How to build a relationship with a married lover after 2 years, because the passion has passed?
Explain to me, why build any kind of relationship with a lover, especially a married one, when all passion for him has passed? Yes, you drive him in the neck! A lover is not a husband, it’s about whileing away life with a husband, raising children, overcoming difficulties and enjoying joys... And a lover for whom the passion has passed is like a used condom. Throw it away and forget it. In this regard, take an example from men - this is what they do with their mistresses.
When my wife is at home, her lover forgets me. Why?
But you yourself give the answer with your question - because your wife is at home! And when his wife is at home, he receives everything he needs from a woman from his wife - love and affection, care, tenderness, and sex. And then he doesn’t need you. Moreover, he does not want to offend his wife by meeting with you and waste time on you, which he can spend with much greater pleasure on his wife. And he also doesn’t want to risk his family well-being for the sake of sex with you (he doesn’t need anything more from you). In short, your lover needs you solely to relieve sexual tension when his wife is away on business. If he doesn’t leave, he won’t even remember you. See how simple it is? You just have to stop imagining God knows what about yourself and everything immediately becomes clear.
Is it worth putting your lover before a choice?
You can only put your lover before a choice - “either my wife or I” if you are ready for him to choose his wife and know exactly what you will do in this case. Because a woman, be she a wife or a mistress, puts an ultimatum like “her or me” in front of a man, and assumes that he will choose her, of course. In fact, for her this is not an ultimatum, not a task with two solutions, but a demand to confirm her own importance and value for this man. But a man really makes a choice and is guided by his own considerations. And the syndrome arises: “I gave my lover (husband) a choice, and he chose his wife (mistress).”
A married loved one insists that he does not sleep with his wife?
Is it that there are some men who assure their wife that they are not sleeping with their mistress! Like, we’re dating, yes, but there’s no sex! And guess what? Wives believe them just as you believe your married lover that he is not sleeping with his wife. But the worst thing is that he is generally forced to lie to you that he does not sleep with his wife. The topic of his family life, and especially marital sex, should not have arisen in your relationship with him at all.
“He is so gentle and caring, that means he loves me!” “He grumbles that his wife is lazy in bed, he’ll probably be better off with me!” “He doesn’t want to go home, he’s probably more comfortable with me!” Do you recognize the train of thought? This is just part of the heap of considerations that swarm in the head of a married man’s mistress every day from dawn to dusk. But there is another thought that we, lovers, undeservedly drive away. “Even if he feels good with me, this does not mean that he will leave his family for me.” Let's look at seven sure signs that your married lover will never exchange his family hearth for you.
We are investigating
Well, here we are... No matter how much the tired phrase “you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune” is boring, no matter how your friends insist that you are a beauty and will find a single man, but now you are dating a married man, and there is no strength to part with the object of passion. Fell in love until exhaustion! When I fell into this trap, I immediately said to myself: “Well... As long as you have patience, it’s worth waiting. The main thing is not to give way to hope and listen only to reason.” What does reason and “experience of generations” say? We are watching...
Your loved one is attentive to you before the date. But not after. You probably serve as a sexual outlet for him. Yes, a man is sincerely attracted to you. But only when he is not satisfied on a bored family bed. To make sure of this, pay attention to the number of calls and SMS messages from a fan when you arrange a meeting. And compare with how much he calls and writes to you the next day. What about the tone? “My tender chick, my angel, I’m flying to you!” changed to “Arrived fine. Working". There are strong suspicions that the boyfriend does not even think of considering you in the projection of a “long-term” relationship. Like it - yes, wants it - yes. But after sex it cools down quickly. This means that it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve deep feelings from a man.
He has everything planned out. On your next vacation, your lover dreams of going to China, the next - to Finland, and “it would be nice to renovate the apartment.” Of course, you can dream about seas and oceans and plan renovations without regard to your legal spouse. But if the thought of leaving his wife for you even occasionally creeps into your man’s head, he is unlikely to plan the future a year in advance. This means that he associates the concept of “stability” with family, and you are unlikely to be able to get into the picture of the near or not-so-future even in his fantasies.
The beloved is stingy with words of love. You are lying in bed after a stormy leisure time and whispering tenderness to him. Of course, the romantic female nature expects reciprocity! “Well, confess to me at least something, tell me that you like me or at least am pretty,” your inner voice demands. And the man mutters: “Thanks, it was cool.” You know what? Maybe you will be able to read words of tenderness in his eyes. And it’s even very possible that they are there! But admitting his feelings for you is a heavy cross for a married man who is not sure that he loves you more than his family. He is afraid to “give himself away.” And he does the right thing! Having made sure that your feelings are mutual, there is a high risk that you will go on the attack with sabers and demand that they move in with you. And the man, of course, is completely unprepared for this...
The boyfriend has little interest in your life. Have you noticed? When it comes to sex, he is generous with epithets. “How you want, where you want, but can I do it for you like this?...” This illusion of interest in your inner world is quickly shattered by the harsh realities of life when you tell him that you are driving to another city late at night on a broken road, and upon arrival you do not receive an SMS “How did you get there?” And he is not very concerned about the health of your child when you are sitting at home on sick leave. Q.E.D! Your personality and your life are secondary things for your lover. If you can't have sex right now, why waste your precious time?
Your existence is a mystery, shrouded in darkness. Your boyfriend is in no hurry to take you out into the world - restaurants, cinema, or introduce you to friends. In principle, there is nothing wrong with going out to a cozy cafe in the evening, especially if it is located far from his home and places where he meets friends. There’s nothing wrong with taking a walk together, even if you have to introduce yourself as an “acquaintance” to an unsuccessful colleague. But no! The lover does not strive to spend as much free time with you as possible in any setting. Using the guaranteed excuse - “we’d better go to you” (in a cooing whisper in your ear). Of course you will go, you want it too! But if this situation has been going on for several months in a row, think about it. Are you as important a part of his life as you want to believe?
His interest in you is unstable. Probably your married lover visits you at regular intervals. Perhaps sometimes he is unexpectedly active in communication and also “without any reason visible reasons" subsides for a month. The reason for this is clear as day - the degree of tension in family relationships. Simply put, I quarreled with my wife - I remembered you. I made peace and forgot. The truth of life is that the thoughts of a married man, as a rule, initially follow two paths. First: “Yes, I feel good with this woman, and leaving for her is a matter of time.” Second: “No, I don’t plan to leave my family, but I just feel good, and I plan to take advantage of it for now.” In other words, a man will choose you only if he is deeply and consistently unhappy with his chosen one and honestly admits this to himself. But if, in moments of truce with your legal half, adventurous thoughts about divorce disappear without a trace, declare capitulation. A radical change in the situation in the next 3-5-10 years is unlikely.
How long have you been together? Three months, a year or a quarter of a century? Psychologists name two dates for making a decision to change your life partner - three months and a year. In the first three months of a relationship, only those men who have long lost the desire to be a good family man leave for their mistresses. At home, plates fly into the wall every day, my wife throws tantrums for any reason, sex ended in a time when dinosaurs walked the Earth. If your guy is in this category, then your chances are good. But if everything is more or less peaceful at home, most likely this ghostly romance will last up to a year. But now a year has passed, you maintain a close connection, and it seems that both of your feelings have been tested for a long time. But no! He packs his swim trunks and slippers and leaves for a family vacation. When this happens, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself. Surely next year will go exactly the same way.
Are you ready to waste your precious youth on this man? Are you ready to celebrate the holidays alone? And look away when you meet your loved one in the park with a stroller, a smiling woman and mother-in-law. Will you survive years of this pain? If yes, all that remains is to wish you good luck and patience. There are many examples of families breaking apart. But this only happens if the marriage was doomed from the start. When two people simply do not coincide, do not understand each other, mutually cooled to the temperature of icebergs. But, fortunately (really, fortunately), family is a conscious choice of two people in love, and betrayal is only a temporary intrigue during a crisis period in a relationship. Try to understand and accept this.
As for me, my relationship with my married lover after six months became very warm and strong. There was mutual support, interest, communication, affection, and SMS from vacation. Everything except words of love and meeting his friends. We really became close people. That’s why the final conversation, when my beloved said: “I’m missing something, but I’m not ready to break family relationships“I survived relatively calmly. I will say more - I began to respect more men who do not leave their family for an affair on the side.
Many lovers are so secretive that the woman is at a loss: what feelings does he have for her?
It happens that a man says that he loves you 40 times a day, but you don’t believe him, and not at all because you’re a suspicious bitch. At the same time, it is very important for you to know exactly “loves or does not love.” Perhaps, in your opinion, this knowledge would help solve a number of problems:
Uncertainty about whether to continue the relationship (if he loves, then it’s worth it);
Will he leave you or is he truly in love (if he loves you, then he won’t leave you);
Can you count on an expensive gift (if he loves it, then he will buy it);
Difficulties associated with leaving the family (if he loves, he will go to me, or if he loves, then I will go to him), etc.
In general, it is vital for every lover to know about His true feelings and intentions.
In fact, everything can be checked, there is one way. In some ways it's a no-no. Although I personally do not favor this approach, sometimes its use is really necessary.
SOLUTION. Use this method carefully, do not overuse it!
So, this is a game: come up with a fairy tale with a tragic situation and invite your man to finish it. You can say that your second cousin on your mother’s side was asked to come up with a fairy tale at school, but you’re already scratching your head and don’t know what to come up with.
You compose the beginning of the fairy tale yourself in the context that you need. For example, if you want to find out whether he will leave for you or not, your tale will begin something like this:
"A young guy was fishing on the bank of the river. The fish were biting well and the young man was in a wonderful mood. The catch was already big enough and the guy decided that he would catch the last fish. But suddenly behind him he heard someone crying. He looked back and saw a beautiful girl (you can take an image similar to you.) She walked out of the grove and for some reason cried...
Ask your lover to finish the story. You will see how he will respond: whether he will be distracted from what he loves, whether he will talk to the girl or offer her help, or maybe he will not pay attention to her at all, etc.
You can introduce additional conditions, for example, at the end of the fairy tale the words “and they lived happily ever after”, “love”, “legs” or “Baba Yaga” must be present.
You probably realized that the girl is your image, and the young man is the image of your lover. The fact is that unconsciously we play the way we behave in life.
Important: no matter what your lover says, under no circumstances admit that you were checking him out. Very important: this exercise should be carried out only when there is enough time and “eye to eye” in order to track external reactions.
Download the entire book for free
Not a single representative of the fair sex is immune from a situation where she is overtaken by love for a man who has already managed to marry another woman.
In such situations, numerous unforeseen questions arise and, of course, anxiety grows after each communication. How will the romantic story develop?
How to find out if a married man loves you and be sure of it? In addition, it is not always possible to immediately understand how high the chances of developing a romantic relationship become, not to mention the possibility of staying together...
Signs that a married man has fallen in love
There are several signs that indicate that a married man really has an interest in another person.
Communication
Married men behave differently with girls they have managed to like. It all depends on the character of the stronger sex. In the question of how to find out whether a married man truly loves you or not, you need to understand one serious limitation - the stamp in the passport.
Attention from a married man does not always mean something serious
It is possible that there will be limitations in communication that will sooner or later lead to reasonable suspicion.
If a man is not ready to betray his wife, any contact will be prevented
Sometimes, after all, a married man is not ready to fight his feelings and existing cravings. In this situation, he is ready to act openly with his chosen one. Such manifestations of love can be disparaging, it’s not so easy to admit that your wife no longer arouses any interest. However... you can’t escape feelings, so sometimes romantic notes begin to appear more and more often and sincerely.
Man's behavior
Sooner or later, actions reveal the true attitude of a married man towards his mistress. When wondering how to find out if a married man loves you, you need to understand that You can't hide your real feelings...
If a girl needs help, the man will find a way to contribute to a successful resolution of the existing issue. Even if there is a desire to prevent contacts, help will be provided indirectly, through other people.
Body and gesture language
In many situations, true feelings are manifested in gestures that are not so easy to control. Many girls try to understand how to find out whether a married man loves you or just has passion for you, they forget that sign language becomes amazing discovery the meaning of all actions.
What features should you pay attention to?
- Long glances- this is the first and very shy step of two people in love who are still trying to fight what is arising between them...
- You can follow the fleeting movements of the eyebrows. If a man is in love with a girl, he will make an involuntary movement of his eyebrows for one second.
- Every man tries to look irresistible in front of a girl. which interests him. For this reason, he will straighten his shoulders, raise his head and draw in his stomach. All this will indicate a desire to please.
- Classic intimate gesture– putting your thumbs behind your trouser belt. Sometimes a man may hold one hand on his hips or sit on a chair with his legs stretched out. Such changes indicate that he is trying to manifest his existing physical strength and willingness to be with a girl.
- Desire for intimacy often manifests itself in the fact that a man carefully takes a girl by her hand or accidentally touches her hair. Such gestures ensure that a man is pleased to be around, so he wants to prolong this pleasure.
Even if communication turns out to be too strained, it is recommended to take care to pay special attention to gestures and think about why a married man is acting slightly playful...
Signs of attention from a man
Important fact! Signs of attention that can come from a man say a lot. At the initial stage of communication or romantic relationships, it is possible to understand how the situation really is.
If everything has calmed down and become commonplace, there will be no chance for positive changes.
Men show their attention in different ways, because not all of them are ready for radical changes in life and active rapprochement with a girl. Only single guys are ready to passionately court girls, trying to successfully cope with the assigned tasks.
A married man can offer help in a friendly or sympathetic manner
In fact, if everything in a marriage is not going as well as we would like, the chances of starting a romantic relationship increase significantly.
Perhaps, after all, there will be a transition to the romantic stage of communication with a further perspective... But you shouldn’t think so far ahead, because you first need to understand how to find out whether a married man loves you.
The girl, despite her status as a potential lover, retains good opportunities to try to get closer to her beloved man. If a man tries to help in difficult situations, to encourage and inspire, there is no need to act rashly, immediately showing your interest.
How to understand the intentions of a married man
The first and most important task is to try to understand the true intentions of a married man. To do this, it is advisable to start with friendship, disposing your chosen one to learn more about the relationship with his wife, to understand what their marriage is about and whether there are problems.
A long look indicates obvious interest
If you manage to find out about the married status of a new acquaintance immediately, it is recommended to end any relationship. Otherwise, the question may arise as to how to find out just having fun or the answer about whether a married man loves you will be joyful and encouraging.
Carefully! Of course, there are cases where marriages break down after the love passes and people make a serious decision about the need to separate. However, many situations confirm that the man initially didn’t even plan his divorce.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to know 100% the thoughts and desires of another person, but you can and should try to predict the development of the situation.
If, after all, the relationship is established and promises to be happy, you won’t have to wait long for a divorce. Nothing good should be expected if a man is constantly looking for numerous excuses and does not even strive to take a serious and decisive step.
It’s very unpleasant to listen to new excuses and excuses every time.
Relationships can be given a chance, but only up to a certain point, because sooner or later it becomes clear that nothing good will happen.
Is it necessary to build a relationship with a married man?
Life is an unpredictable thing, so it is impossible to give a definite answer regarding a relationship with a married man. In any case, such a romantic relationship promises to be dubious. The woman will be judged by other people who will not approve of trying to take someone else's husband away from his wife.
Doubts and uncertainty are the unpleasant moments of such a romantic relationship.
Interesting fact! If a man cheats on his wife and takes active steps in his relationship with his mistress, it can be assumed that there are serious problems in family life. For example, womanizers cannot live without a new relationship, and a husband disappointed with life is not ready to remain faithful to his wife.
However, sometimes relationships have prospects, because forced marriage or early marriage can be destroyed quite often.
How to build relationships correctly
If a girl nevertheless decides to have a relationship with a married man and values it, she needs to know how to behave correctly with him.
What can and should be done
- First of all, it is recommended to understand that relationships are built on positivity and the absence of conflicts and quarrels. For this reason, it is recommended to follow the right tactics with a married man.
- It is advisable to enjoy relationships at the beginning, without thinking about the future. You can get pleasure from romance and sex. Of course, it is advisable to treat your personal future with respect, so it is undesirable to delay a relationship for a long time without prospects.
- A married man’s personal time cannot be claimed, as it becomes a valuable gift for his family.
He has to go anyway, react calmly - Aggression can destroy any romance, so it is advisable to control the mood.
- A lover cannot be prohibited from doing anything. Even if a man decides to meet with friends, his decision must be respected.
- Patience can be valuable. If a girl is interested in how to find out whether a married man loves you, it is best to gradually lead him to the need for a divorce. Only tact and understanding of the current situation will help preserve the relationship.
What not to do
How should one not behave if there is a desire to preserve the existing relationship as long as possible?
- the beloved’s spouse cannot be criticized or blamed, trying to emphasize his leadership;
- you should not tell your friends about the secret, because no outsider should know about the relationship;
- you cannot abuse whims;
- You cannot put pressure on your chosen one and demand a divorce;
- It is not recommended to impose your company on a man.
The relationship between lovers will be happy and promising only if both parties find a piece of happiness in what they can build or destroy.
Relationship with a married man: love or problems?
Many girls are ready to be the mistresses of married men, but the question regarding the prospects for the relationship continues to remain open. You need to understand that only the person who finds himself in a love triangle has the opportunity to make his final choice and put everything in its place.
Mistresses are often worried about their future together with their lover, so they are not always ready to maintain a romantic union for a long time.
Whether it's worth becoming part of a love triangle is up to you to decide
Before determining the prospect, you need to understand the characteristics of marriage. Most often, men whose relationships have problems decide to cheat. If coziness and comfort always reign at home, there is a happy and loving wife, nothing bad will happen. The only exception is womanizers.
For this reason, you need to not only understand how to find out whether a truly married man loves you passionately and truly or not, it is advisable to analyze the situation from all sides, and then make the right decision regarding the relationship.
Perhaps you still need to give a chance to romantic feelings, which can only become stronger over time?
What should a girl do if she falls in love with a married man? Watch video tips:
Find out an expert's opinion about the meaning of a relationship with a married man from the following video:
“I love my wife... And I love my mistress... What should I do?” This kind of disposition occurs to me from time to time in my work.
I decided to make a note about this. Without the goal of correcting anyone, just for information.
Despite the name and the disposition outlined above, the note is equally suitable for both men and women. The situation when one person loves two people at once - it occurs in both men and women.
Let's start by finding out the main thing - is it possible to love two people at once?
The answer, as usual, depends on the semantic content of the verb “to love.” If you think that “to love” means “to experience a feeling of warm affection,” then you can. Even three people can become warmly attached to them. Even to four. Why, there are people who can become warmly attached to hundreds of individuals at once.
It’s another matter if we say “love”, but hear “show mutual active care” or “demonstrate dopaminergic goal-setting motivation to form and maintain stable pair bonds” (who said that Zygmantovich writes too primitive notes? Try to chew this definition!) .
With such meanings, it is impossible to love two. Because if you care, you will not hurt your wife by showing such care to another woman. And if you strive to form stable pair bonds, then you will not form these bonds with someone else other than your husband (because then the connection with him will be unstable).
It turns out that loving two people at once is impossible (if, of course, you use adequate definitions of love).
But there are situations when a man seems to love his wife - and then immediately loves his mistress! And there are situations when a woman loves her husband and immediately loves her lover. How so?
I think there are three explanations for this.
First(very simple). In the cases described, the verb “to love” is simply used incorrectly (incorrectly). For example, a woman loves her lover, but lives with her husband simply because, for example, there is nowhere else to live (or for some similar near-rational reason - children, mortgage, social pressure). This explanation is obvious, so we won’t dwell on it for long.
Second explanation (more complicated). By and large, this is a variation of the first one, but it is very bright - it can be distinguished separately. We are talking about a situation where a person also incorrectly uses the verb “to love.” With this verb he refers to his dependence on some manifestations of another person. I wrote more about this in the article “Why did I leave my family? I don’t know...” (the link to it is at the end of the text), so I won’t repeat it.
Third explanation (the biggest one). You cannot love two people at once, but you can be in a state of choice - who exactly to love. Now I’ll tell you more.
How does a mistress or lover appear? Almost always - against the background of weakening feelings for a partner. Why such weakening occurs is not the topic of this note, as well as the issue of refreshing feelings (there is a separate webinar about this, the link to it will be below).
Now we are interested in something else - the development pattern of the “I love them both” situation.
So, the feelings weakened, a lover/mistress appeared. The affair on the side is developing, it seems to everyone that the situation is obvious, everyone understands where it is going... But then, as a rule, the unexpected happens.
Namely: in a strange way, relationships with your spouse improve.
How this happens is a separate big conversation. There is a contribution here from hormones, purely psychological mechanisms (for example, pressure from a lover), and variables unknown to science (not yet known).
The main thing is that the trend is noticeable - often after the appearance of a lover/mistress, the relationship in a husband-wife pair improves (knowledgeable people will immediately remember the special term “triangulation”).
And in this situation, a person finds himself in a state of choice - with whom to stay. It is this state that is called “loving two.” Yes, I insist (or am I not the most categorical psychologist in the world?). It is the state of choice between two men that is called “I love both,” and it is the state of choice between two women that is called “I love both.”
There is no love as such yet/no longer here. It will appear later - when a person makes his choice.
So, it turns out that the main question is to make a choice. But you need to decide whether some of the relationships need to end, otherwise the body simply won’t stand it. Unfinished relationships are like a thorn. They constantly interfere and strive to turn into an abscess and blood poisoning.
Relationships must be ended, this is an axiom.
How exactly do you choose who to end a relationship with? I won’t give any advice here—it’s none of my business. But how to end a relationship is up to me, I can do it.
This is not so much about ending a relationship that is still alive, but about ending a relationship that apparently ended several years ago. Well, you know how it happens - people continue to live in hope of a return, in new relationships they behave as in the old ones, they constantly compare the new potential partner and the old one... There is no benefit from this, only harm. You need to understand that in order to start a new relationship, you need to end the old one.
I have collected all the most effective psychological methods ending old relationships in one audio training.
That's all I have, thanks for your attention.
Promised notes and links:
The entry was published by the author in the category tagged , . Post navigation
I love my wife... And I love my mistress too: 58 comments
- Maria
and how can a man choose between two women if he has already officially chosen his wife before.?
- Alexei
But what about Eastern polygamous families?
- Ivan
Pasha, hello! Thanks for the interesting article.
You write that “the main question is to make a choice.” But if the choice happens virtually every day, how can you say whether you have decided or not?
For example, I love my girlfriend, and everything is great with us, but when I see other beautiful and NEW girls for me, I am very attracted to them. Not in the sense of actually wanting to sleep, but rather wanting some kind of flirting or her attention. But I really want it, it blows my mind. At first she seems very beautiful and so mysterious, but after a couple of minutes of communication it usually becomes not so interesting, you find some shortcomings (comparing with your girlfriend). And he lets go... until next time.
Because of this, I feel guilty and start looking for explanations: this girl has longer legs, and this one has a more attractive smile. Basically, sometimes I feel like I'm trying to find the perfect girl. But I’m sure that when I find it, I’ll still look at the new ones, simply because they’re different.
Obviously my searching behavior is not over, I have a hard time making choices every day. Are there methods, and if so, which ones, to accept your choice and believe in it?
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Hello Ivan!
You write that “the main question is to make a choice.” But if the choice happens virtually every day, how can you say whether you have decided or not?
_There’s this thing - choices happen every day, that’s true. You can make your choice at the moment of choice. That is, if it’s every day, then every day you need to make a choice. You can finally decide only after death :)For example, I love my girlfriend, and everything is great with us, but when I see other beautiful and NEW girls for me, I am very attracted to them.
_This means that you have search behavior (as you yourself correctly write) and, therefore, you have not yet decided whether you want to live as a couple with your girlfriend. Actually, there is exactly one method here - start living as a couple.Simply put, get married :) Or at least let everyone know (including yourself) that you are in a couple. Put on the ring, status on social networks, tell your friends :)
- Ivan
Pash, thanks for your answer 😉 We’ve been living together for about a year now. Sometimes I’m incredibly happy, and sometimes I want to break free and run away =) I thought the reason for this was that at one time I missed the stage of “relationships without obligations”, I didn’t get enough of it - study, science, work... And now I’m 27 and I’m on my own I understand that it’s time to settle down and I even want to, that’s the paradox.
Pash, do I understand you correctly, that in order to finally deal with this search behavior, you need to understand - do I want to be with this girl or not? Those. Should I get married? It’s just scary that the cost of a mistake is high. But, of course, it’s even more frightening to lose everything and these constant doubts are incredibly exhausting - any certainty is better =)
- Ivan
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Yuri
You have a very strange definition of love, according to which you tailor your reasoning. I think that for many, love has nothing to do with the desire to form stable pair bonds. They also love other people's spouses, and without the desire to make the spouse their own; there is love in an open marriage and in a thousand other situations.
The axiomatic nature of the need for choice is also not obvious. Many people are happy precisely from having several objects of love without having to make a choice - Tamara
Pavel, bravo! Everything is so easy and clear. Once again I take my hat off to you
- Natalia
Thank you!
Until they understand that love and falling in love - attraction - egoism - attachment are still different, they will call one another... - Margarita
Still, it would be interesting to know about the selection algorithm. I’m already completely confused between two men, and I can’t even imagine how to choose one of them. So I go back and forth, but this is bad for me and, to put it mildly, unpleasant for them. I understand that I need to stop somewhere, but I can’t.
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Margarita, first of all, we need to stop choosing. That is, for a month or more not to see each other and not communicate :)
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Murka
Everything about you is strange. Sort of on the shelves. And when you love a person because he cares about you and loves you. When you realize that a child loves both mom and dad. BUT when this same person snaps at you if there are problems at work, he doesn’t want sex. But there is no talk of divorce even close. Convenient, good.
And when there is a person who doesn’t yell, who wants you, who hears you. BUT who, like you, has a family in which it is comfortable and good, well, there is not enough sex, well, the wife sometimes messes up, and who does not. There is a child who also loves both dad and mom.
And two not free people think about each other, love each other and understand that there is no point in making a choice here :))) That’s how you love two people. - Murka
Yes, and this has been going on for more than 6 years :))
- Murka
Well, even if a psychologist can’t figure it out)) How can ordinary people sort out this range of feelings :))))
I'll put it simply. Sometimes, it seems to me, making a choice makes no sense or is simply not possible. That’s why people run around, now to their wife, now to their mistress. (Now to her husband, now to her lover) And they really love both sincerely. And they cannot make a choice, since love is a multifaceted concept. It's like choosing between the left hand and the right, which one to cut off, because both are needed. You can live your whole life this way, and happily.
I personally love my husband. He cares, he loves, I love sex with him, I love cooking for him, I love lying on the couch with him and watching a movie, etc. But I hate his uncompromisingness, his temper and harshness, his slowness and his dislike of noisy companies.
But my lover is a completely different person, he loves noisy companies, he will always listen and support, he doesn’t shout, he loves. BUT he’s careless in everyday life, he doesn’t know how to take care of himself, he loves alcohol (not to the point of losing his pulse, but it’s more fun), and I don’t like drunks, etc.
Now, if I could make one person out of the two of them, I would be happy )) But ideal man There is no such thing as an ideal woman.And problems begin only when one of the two women (men) begins to pull the blankets over themselves. Then yes, the question of choice arises ) And this way you can live and be happy )) And the main thing is to sincerely love two people!
- Ilya
Here it is - and I thought that love is a feeling that, in principle, cannot be put under any definition, I love both my wife and my mistress, I love in different ways, but they are also different, and what I wrote author - I think this is nonsense, you can’t put feelings under definitions!!!
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Ilya, it’s possible, very possible :)
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Anonymous
I love my wife, I have a mistress that I can’t refuse, I have children in the family, but I can’t make a choice.
- Vadim
My wife and I lived poorly for 15 years! She walked with me and I walked with him. We still had 3 daughters. Then there were daily scandals and I left the family, met a girl, fell in love! We lived for a year! Now I want home! They are waiting for me at home! My friend is not lets go, says she won’t live without me!?! I feel very sorry for her, she’s a good person and she’s not to blame for anything! What should I do, good people, please give me advice, I’m lost!
- Konstantin
Good day.
Based on your conclusions, you draw the bottom line -
a person is DESIGNED to love one person.
That is, according to your conclusions, if you exclude the sexual components, the partner cannot love his children and parents. He/she is not imprisoned.
I think your acquaintance with the polygamous families of the East is very superficial if you draw such conclusions, but God be your judge.
I am sure you are familiar with the term POLYAMORIC RELATIONSHIP, in which there are no restrictions - living with only one partner. And there is no lie, so the concept of treason does not exist there. By mutual agreement, they live together.
So here’s the question: who IMPRISONED a person into the framework of one partner?
Why is polygamy allowed in Judaism and Islam (and many other religions)?- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Good day, Konstantin.
That is, according to your conclusions, if you exclude the sexual components, the partner cannot love his children and parents. He/she is not imprisoned.
_These are your conclusions, not mine :) It’s convenient to attribute your conclusions to me and disagree with me on this basis :)I am sure you are familiar with the term POLYAMORIC RELATIONSHIP, in which there are no restrictions - living with only one partner. And there is no lie, so the concept of treason does not exist there. By mutual agreement, they live together.
_There are also polyandrous marriages - when one woman has many husbands. The world is so diverse :)So here’s the question: who IMPRISONED a person into the framework of one partner?
_Evolution. She's damned :)
Why in tribes unfamiliar with the concept of world religion.
Why is polygamy allowed in Judaism and Islam (and many other religions)?
_Above I mentioned tribes where polyandry is allowed. It is obvious that this is a consequence of living conditions. The Jews and Muslims you mention are moving towards monogamous marriages at the first opportunity. That's it :)
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- Ermis
Behind the husband, there is a lover. I love both.. Sometimes I want to give up everything and go to my lover (He doesn’t call, He’s not married, he’s only dating me), sometimes I turn towards my husband and think about erasing my lover’s number, especially if he doesn’t call, he’s busy... But not I can decide on nothing. I suffer and am afraid of losing one of them.
- Tatiana
Hello Pavel. I read your article about choice and my heart ached. It seems to be true, and from a scientific point of view it may be correct (I’m not an expert), I’ll just say now about my feelings from what I read. It feels like this interesting game, which is simply called “choice” and people choose in a circle of this and that, and they can also give a link to such an article;) my choice is my right. But in fact it's clean water selfishness. I’m not happy with this one, but I’ll get what I’m missing on the side. This is not a choice - this is theft and deception, just betrayal veiled under the word choice + an infantile unwillingness to work on oneself and relationships. The choice was made once - at the altar, and then you can no longer choose. You seem to allow the possibility of blurring the boundaries of marriage with these various clever psychological terms and points 1,2,3. The most interesting thing is that the “gulens” will even justify themselves 🙂 and they write here mostly again, ordinary “gulens” who, first of all, only care about their comfort, and no one thinks about their responsibility and about the pain that they cause to their spouses and children. This is generally a destructive position for the family as such. (My opinion) I want to be chosen only once. For reference: there were two husbands who loved to choose and could not understand. I made this choice for them. Divorce and property in half.
- Otto
It is very sad to read such a set of unfounded statements as in this article. At least this phrase: “if you show care, you will not hurt your wife by showing such care to another woman.” Just one of the possible, of course traditional, especially on this part of the land, but essentially neurotic, the option of building relationships is extolled here as the only correct one. While more and more people still choose to live differently.
- RoNasva
But there are situations when a man seems to love his wife - and then immediately loves his mistress! And there are situations when a woman loves her husband - and immediately loves her lover. How so?
- Anna
It’s even funny to read the comments of people who cover up their inflated ego with love, supposedly loving both their spouse and their lover. They love only themselves. If you love your spouse, there will be no other person in your life. Love is, first of all, respect for a loved one and accepting him as he is. All people are different, but if they really love each other, they work on themselves and relationships, and do not look for compensation for any character traits in other people. Gentlemen, you lack responsibility! And if you suddenly realize that the relationship is not satisfactory and has outlived its usefulness, then it would be more honest to file for a divorce rather than lie. And in general, write about the shortcomings of spouses and lovers, but are you perfect? Your love is called by another word...
