You are wrong, there is still a family. We decided that we would save the family. The trouble is that this decision is too difficult for me. I honestly try to put my colleague out of my head and live my life as before. Unfortunately, my wife sees that I am not completely with her and understands that I am in love with another woman.
Well, yes. You hit the nail on the head.
No. I was asked to describe the problems, and I indicated only the problems. Of course, my colleague not only has shortcomings, she also has advantages, otherwise I would hardly be able to fall in love with her. She is a very kind, very sensual girl, she is beautiful, sensitive, very interesting, well-read, smart. You can communicate with her on any topic. It's very interesting to be with her. I feel some kind of special spiritual closeness to her. She's like me soul mate, whether. I do not know how to explain it.
My wife is beautiful, one might even say pretty, cheerful, emotional, spontaneous, a little rustic, homely, a good mother, good hostess. Among the shortcomings, I can note that she is very jealous, capricious, and has poor control over her emotions. However, she and I are very different. We are from different cities, from different cultures and from different social strata. This was strongly felt in the first years of our life together. We often quarreled precisely because of misunderstandings. I couldn’t understand some of my wife’s words and actions, and she couldn’t understand mine. What seemed normal to me outraged her, etc. Now, after so many years, we have gotten used to each other and no longer quarrel on this basis.
I'm trying to solve the problem myself.
Alas, I never loved my wife THAT much. The feeling I have for my colleague is much stronger than the love I had for my wife. The wife herself feels and admits this. My love for my wife has not gone away (at least not completely). Simply love for a colleague overrides all old feelings.
But in general, you are right, love passes and that’s the worst thing.
I fell in love with someone else
Get the girl back
Dating and Pickup
I fell in love with someone else
Every love story begins with an incredible incident, which is imbued with pleasant emotions and memories. And having fallen in love with one girl, a man is truly confident that it is with her that he will spend the rest of his days, create a strong family and decide to have children. And most often, such a love story develops into marriage.
But, unfortunately, Cupid sometimes plays with people. And decent family men fall in love with other women. And then the weight of a fateful choice falls on the man’s shoulders, on which not only the fate of his family, but his own well-being will depend. After all, living with an unloved woman is real suffering. But not everyone will agree to watch their wife’s tears.
The complexity of the question: “Should I leave my family for another or stay with my unloved wife?” - torments many men who have lost love for their wife. On the one hand, I want new feelings, I want passion and the sparkle of desire in a woman’s eyes. But on the other hand, I don’t want to part with my wife, who is a true partner and friend, who has earned respect and warmth.
What to do if you fall in love with another girl
Many men sincerely believe that it is impossible to fall in love with another woman while being married and happy. But sometimes all events happen contrary to any logic and common sense. And the man begins dating someone else behind his wife's back for some time. And when the relationship develops more and more, the married man finds himself in a difficult position. He is looking for advice and a solution to his problem.
And we can confidently say the following truth. If your wife is a good, kind and faithful companion who can support you in a difficult situation and come out of the shower in the same robe and lie down with you. Then you should stop doing nonsense, cool down your youthful ardor and thank God for sending such a good woman to such a fickle man.
In other words, if you start playing in one place, then think about the consequences and your future. It will become clear to you that extreme sensations can be obtained in another way, and it is not necessary to cheat on your wife and leave home.
If you stopped loving your wife and fell in love with another
If your relationship with your wife has long ceased to be rosy, and you realized that it’s time to change everything for the better. Then you must show that you are a Man and tell your wife the truth. Tell me why you started dating another woman and what doesn’t suit you about your wife. Silence is also good choice, if you haven’t decided everything for yourself yet.
But there can be two ways out of this situation:
1) Your wife forgives you. You no longer want to date another woman. There is peace, tranquility and love in the family. And everything will be fine with you.
2) Your wife does not forgive you. You have the illusion that you are free and the time has come to completely devote yourself to another woman. But let me say a little about this. If a woman is really worth anything, she will leave you. Why should she be sure that if you succumb to the charms of one girl, this will not happen to you a second time?
Be honest with yourself and with your wife. Remember, you once made a vow to love your wife. Which means she was worthy of it. Take care of what you have. “And the grass isn’t always greener for your neighbors.”
When is it worth loving someone else?
The only reason why you can divorce your wife is your unhappiness. When you wake up and realize that this is not the life and not the woman you would like to see next to you. You are not at all attracted to her, it is impossible to talk to her normally. Only the sounds of a saw have become commonplace for you.
Then, if you have found a girl who really appreciates you, you can think about leaving. After all, then even the slightest hope for happiness will be greater than you have right now.
Your happiness is your happiness. If you feel that your wife can no longer make you happy, but another woman brings you joy. Decide what consequences your decision will cause, and only then choose. In any case, patience, common sense and, of course, luck will be on your side.
“I have two children, I lived with my wife for more than 15 years. But it so happened that for 6 years now I have been in love with another woman. I'm really tired of deceiving my wife and I want a divorce. I don’t know how to make sure that it doesn’t hurt my wife too much, and try to at least remain not enemies. In any case, she is a good and dear person to me...”
“We have a child and a marriage that is 8 years old. Over the course of three years, I truly love another woman, my wife knows about this and does her best to restrain my impulses to leave the family. But I know that this is all serious, and I have very little time left to mature to take a responsible step.”
“I left as soon as I realized that I fell in love with someone else, because I think it’s much more honest than deceiving the mother of my children for several years. The divorce was very difficult, but we got through it, and after 5 years my ex-wife forgave and understood me. I’m happy in my new marriage, I don’t regret anything.”
Here are just some excerpts from letters from our readers; the situation is not easy, would you agree? And what to do, what is the best way to act - decisively and irrevocably, or wait and hope for chance? Let's try to figure it out.
Let's start with the fact that the case when a married man falls in love with another woman is not at all isolated, and in order to try to answer the question “What to do and how to be?”, Let's figure out why this happened.
Possible reasons, or what you lacked in your marriage:
- freedom or personal space;
- passion and love;
- care and respect;
- understanding and trust.
If a person constantly experiences at least one of the above, then someday as a result he will develop depression or a nervous condition. And this is quite normal if he wants a different attitude towards himself. And when a woman appears who does not limit him in all this, then, naturally, feelings arise.
What to do if you love someone else
Let's start with the fact that if you realized that you fell in love with another woman and can no longer give this feeling to your wife, then you will agree that you are acting dishonestly towards her. It turns out that you provided yourself with the choice to love and be loved, but you didn’t even provide it to your wife.
By hiding behind caring for the child, you are masking your fear of taking responsibility by saying that when the child grows up, he will not understand or forgive you. But remember, it has long been proven that in families where parents live without love, but only for the sake of raising a child, nothing good happens, and children only grow up with an unstable nervous system. Because children are more sensitive and receptive, and even without understanding what exactly is happening between their parents, they feel coldness, lack of love, tension, etc. And from this they begin to suffer greatly and attribute the blame for what is happening to themselves. So it’s better to choose honesty, and explain to the child that mom and dad are breaking up because they no longer love each other. But this has nothing to do with him, as they loved him, they will continue to treat him, and besides, dad, for example, can be called at any time.
Nobody argues, the fork in the road is very difficult, and deciding where to stay is very difficult.
The first option for the development of events is to stay in the family, continue to live without loving and constantly think about another woman, who, by the way, will also be unhappy, suffer in silence and be afraid to make a choice. With your fear of hurting your wife and “punishing” her with the fact that she is not allowed to be near you, and the child, who will observe all the problems between the parents.
The second option is to take responsibility for the current situation, talk to your wife and child, and resolve financial and organizational issues. Allow your wife to meet another man, make the woman you love happy, and, in the end, find happiness yourself.
Well, now let's see what you have to comprehend, take into account and live in practice:
- Wife's reaction– few people accept such news calmly and with dignity, so no matter how balanced your spouse is, it’s quite normal to prepare for scandals, hysterics, slamming doors and throwing things from the balcony .
- The degree of your dependence on your spouse, her relatives and friends– if you depend on them in any way (income, career), then this is a big reason to think about it. Or urgently start looking for a replacement for all this.
- The attitude of your own parents and friends to this situation– it is quite possible that everyone will treat it as a law of life, but misunderstanding, alienation and open confrontation may arise.
- Number of children and their ages- it is clear that the more of them there are in a marriage and the younger they are, the more reproaches of conscience and not only you will have to endure.
- Children's attitude towards your care– if the kids already understand everything and are trying with all their might to leave you in the house, then you are faced with a difficult task; you will have to talk a lot and for a long time, convince, and look for a compromise.
- Your age - it will be much easier for a man from 23 to 40 years old to survive all this, but lovers over 40 years old should think three times already - is all this worth it or not?
- Health status– it is clear that the stronger your health, the more confident you will be in your new life, but if you have some serious chronic illness or disability, then you should think twice about it. Will you really be accepted there with all these nuances, will you be looked after, etc.
- Own living space for further residence – This is also worth thinking about; it’s good, of course, if you or your wife have alternative housing, otherwise problems cannot be avoided.
- Income level- it’s much easier if you don’t have problems with this, but if you lived “close to each other”, then think about it, because in the new family there will initially be even more expenses than now, plus alimony will be added.
Consider all these points, but remember that any obstacles and circumstances pale in comparison to true love and sincere relationships. Your task is to get out of the situation gracefully and with dignity, remain a man, a human being, and try to make the situation of your loved ones as easy as possible. There is only one life, and you must try to live it happily, which is what we wish for you!
You have been married, perhaps for more than a year, routine does its job. Everyone says that it’s time to settle down and live in a “home-work-home” mode, earn money and increase your income. It would seem that this is what will become your further principle, but then she suddenly appeared - and you can no longer help but think about her, looking for any ways to see her. Why does this happen? What to do about it? How to live and behave further? Let's analyze and come to a solution to the current situation together.
I'm married and fell in love with someone else, what should I do?
Let's start with the fact that you are far from the first who, being married, fell in love with another. And to answer the question “what to do?”, let’s figure out why this happened. There may be many reasons, but in the end it all comes down to one thing - you are missing something:
- freedom;
- personal space;
- passions;
- love.
According to statistics, there are much more women than men, so there are wives who are everywhere with their husbands, in addition, they are trying to establish prohibitions: don’t drink; don't go out with friends; don't smoke and stuff.
If this is your case, then your freedom and personal space are simultaneously limited. As a result, you get depressed and nervous. Whether you want it or not, you will subconsciously desire a different attitude towards yourself. That’s why it turns out that he has a wife, but fell in love with a girl who doesn’t limit him.
Now what about passion and love? I deliberately separated these concepts, since their totality is an ideal, but does not always occur.
By passion I mean sex and everything connected with it. “You guys only need sex!” - I’ve heard this more than once, right? If you heard this from your wife and she said it quite seriously, then things are not too happy. Will explain. The saying that only men need sex is complete nonsense! Women need it to the same extent, if not more. Why doesn't a woman want sex? There are several options:
- too “correct” upbringing;
- diseases such as frigidity and others;
- she is not interested in you as a sexual partner;
- fatigue and nerves.
In any case, to solve a problem with sex, you should never remain silent, you need to talk and look for compromises. For example, you lack something in bed, and your wife does not make concessions, the simplest thing is to be offended and quarrel, but will you really get what you wanted in the end? No. Try to come to an agreement, explain why this is unpleasant for you. Or maybe you are asking too much of her? Dialogue will help resolve this issue. What is needed is a calm conversation, it is necessary not only to prove that you are right, but also to be able to listen to her arguments.
You can often hear a story about a man who was married and fell in love with a young woman. Why? Yes, because sex with her is interesting, there is more passion.
Now let's talk about love. Everyday life is capable of destroying even the strongest love, and it is unknown what would have happened to Romeo and Juliet if they had gotten married and lived in marriage. Shakespeare created a story about love that should not have been broken in family life. I am not advocating dying young at all. I want to convey to you that love alone is not enough for a happy life. Wisdom is needed, and both must be wise enough.
So if a person is married, but fell in love with another, then maybe she is simply wiser and is not trying to educate an already formed personality?
We've sorted it out possible reasons why you, being married, fell in love with another, now let me help you solve this problem.
I have a wife and fell in love with a girl on the side, what should I do?
The very first thing you have to do is decide who to stay with. And this choice will be very difficult, but you can handle it.
To make a decision, you need to weigh everything carefully. You have two women, you live with one and know her very well, the other you know much less. Even if the object of your new love has been familiar to you since childhood, you should not forget that in communication and in everyday life one and the same person is completely different.
The choice will be much harder if you and your wife have a child, although he should not become a hindrance, even if his mother turns him against you, when he grows up, he will understand everything.
If you are married and fall in love with a young girl, then condemnation from the outside is inevitable, as, indeed, in any other case. Try to take criticism from outside as calmly as possible.
Ready to make a choice? Before doing this, answer yourself a few questions:
- Which one are you more confident in?
- Which one can you rely on?
- Who suits you most in sex?
- Who do you like best as a hostess?
If each of these questions points to the same woman, it would be wiser to choose her. It’s more difficult to decide when you fall in love with a girl you don’t know well, you haven’t had intimacy, or she doesn’t even know about your feelings. In this case, try testing the waters before making quick decisions. Talk to her as much as possible, invite her to go somewhere together, look at her reaction. I know it will be difficult, but try to soberly assess her reaction to your advances. Very often, people in love see only what they would like to see, wishful thinking, that is, they engage in self-deception. But you are a married man, which means you are experienced, you will succeed.
Maybe stay with my wife?
This is the right question. It may be better to stay with your spouse, because she has already accepted you for who you are. What will happen to the one you fell in love with? Will she accept you with all your interests, antics, and everything? It’s not a fact, not all people have similar personalities and not every woman can tolerate banal snoring.
In addition, both men and women can make mistakes and mistake falling in love and fleeting passion for love. What to do in this case? How to find out if this is serious? Time will help here; if you gradually notice that the object of your desire is becoming not so desirable, and other girls begin to interest you, then most likely this is not love. Rather, it is a short-term passion that suddenly flared up. Why did this happen? You and your wife have some problems in your relationship and if you solve them, then you won’t need anyone else.
How to identify and solve the problem? Think about what you don't like most about her? What doesn't she like about you? You probably live a monotonous life - change your surroundings, relax somewhere together. After you have relaxed a little, the conversation will go easier and the problem will be solved.
Should you tell your wife about your crush? If you didn’t cheat, then it’s better not to, not everyone is ready to forgive this. But if an affair on the side ends in an intimate adventure, then there are only two ways out: tell it - and come what may; remain silent, giving yourself up to be devoured by your conscience. It’s up to you to decide, someone can forgive and forget, and someone will never forget, but will be with you, and the worst case scenario is that you will lose your wife because of a fleeting romance. So think about it carefully, is it worth it? Get rid of illusions, think soberly, you can do it.
Well, if you still decide to choose another girl, then try to leave your wife less painfully.
How to leave your wife?
If you have finally and irrevocably decided to leave your wife, you need to act firmly and tactfully, remember that she loves you, believes you and most likely has no idea about anything. Think about how you yourself would react to such news? It will be painful and difficult for her, there is no escape from it.
It won't be easy for you, and even harder for her. Try to mentally prepare her for a serious conversation. Say everything directly, as it really is, speak softly, don’t raise your tone. Most likely, she will cry, be prepared for this, try to calm her down, but don’t be led. Some women, in a fit of hysterics, drag their husbands into bed, trying to “rekindle” their feelings. Don’t deceive yourself, just having sex will not make your old feelings flare up with renewed vigor, you will only make it more painful for both yourself and her.
When the conversation is over, leave, don't hesitate. If possible, take all your things at once so as not to return.
It will be very cool if you remain friends and continue to communicate. But at first, try not to remind yourself. Both you and she need to get used to the new life; constant calls and conversations will interfere with this.
Before the conversation, as well as before making a decision, it is best to talk with a psychologist. It is very difficult to understand even yourself, and in such matters everything needs to be weighed carefully. The help of a specialist will definitely not be superfluous.
New wife: life from scratch
Well, you’ve made a choice, everything worked out for you, you’re happy and breathing deeply again. The feeling of guilt that bothered you at first has disappeared and you can enjoy life again.
However, do you remember what you had to go through? And perhaps you don’t want this to happen again? Then always talk about everything with your wife, don’t hide your resentment and don’t swear, solve everything calmly, look for compromises. Can't do it yourself? Go to a psychologist. And everything will be fine, you'll see. Although if such a situation does happen again, then you know what needs to be done.
And finally. You are a man, you are strong both physically and mentally. You are able to solve any problem, no matter how difficult it may seem. Remember this.
You might also be interested
Of course, you can start spouting clichés that a strong marriage will not allow the appearance of a third party, that if a man fell in love, it means he had a bad time with his wife. But life is more prosaic and the fact that a man fell in love with another does not always mean that his marriage completely failed. Perhaps it just cracked, the man got confused. Men are polygamous at heart and need thrills.
But what should a man do in this case, what should he do with his feelings? There can be no definite answer here. But he definitely needs to try his best to turn on his head and sort it out.
First of all, you need to understand whether this is love or passion, which will pass over time and two strangers will remain close. It’s difficult emotionally, but if you delve into the reasons, you can predict the outcome of this relationship.
If you understand the reason why a man paid attention to another woman, then a lot becomes clearer. For example, is there a chance to save the marriage or is it a hopeless case. So, the reasons could be the following:
The wife stopped trying to be sexy and beautiful for her husband. The woman either relaxed and calmed down that the man was nearby, or she also lost interest in her husband and, as a result, he liked the incentive.
Husband and wife have little in common initially. They have different mentalities, cultural levels, diametrically opposed views on life, and previously they were held by passion, which faded over the years and people turned out to be strangers to each other spiritually. And the new sweetheart meets all the parameters of a desired life partner.
A woman nags, humiliates, and trashes a man. The worst thing is if this happens in front of others. And the new girl looks at him with admiration, sees him as a hero. Such a look from his woman is vital for a man; this is the only way he can move forward and move mountains.
A man needs to be surprised, and his wife does not give him this. She's painfully predictable. He knows what she will wear, she has had the same hairstyle for 20 years, and every evening she steadily embroiders while sitting in front of the TV or watching a talk show. And the new girl is all woven from secrets and mysteries, it is not known what she will wear tomorrow, what is under her dress, and what she is doing every minute can only be guessed.
Sex doesn’t turn on as much as before, but in other areas of the marriage everything is fine. Then the thought of sex with a new woman makes you want to tremble. A sign of this is that this is not the first time this has happened. Here a man’s main need is not for a specific woman as such, but for new woman. But constantly changing a woman is not an option. It is possible that after satisfying this need, love will disappear without a trace. But there will remain a feeling of shame in front of both women.
Answering yourself honestly to the question of what caused falling in love and whether it is confused with passion is what is important.
Of course, there are many cases when life with a wife has already become so disgusting that the only way to preserve the sanity of both and become happy is an intelligent divorce. But in most cases the most the best option will try to save the marriage. At least do everything possible for this. You can always leave, but they won’t always accept you back. The old proverb that an old friend is better than two new ones often applies to wives.
How can you save your marriage? In order to save a marriage, you need to want it and devote time and effort to it, otherwise there is no other way. There are several excellent methods for doing this.
Try changing the situation, yes, it really works. Break out of your routine and go on a trip. The scenery around will change, the wife will not be burdened with everyday life and constantly wear a robe. Her eyes will glow from new impressions and emotions, she will become playful and flirtatious. In your usual life partner, you will actually be able to see the beauty and beauty. If it is not possible to leave, then at least start attending some events together more often. Theatre, cinema, water park, restaurants, concerts of joint favorite bands, places where passion once boiled. There is no doubt that there is a risk that the wife will grumble just as much as she does at home and will be dissatisfied with everything. This is already an alarm bell.
The second method follows from attempts to visit places of former glory. Try to remember why you fell in love with your wife. Look through old photographs, listen to songs from the times when you were madly in love. Giving your wife the perfume she was wearing at the time, scientists have long proven that smells greatly refresh memories precisely at the level of feelings. Read a book that reminded you of a love story. In a word, refresh your memory of those times. And at the same time, the image of that woman whom you loved so much that you offered her your hand and heart will be refreshed in your memory.
Try to find common ground of interests and put pressure on them. Often spouses grow apart due to the fact that in their free time everyone wanders off to their own corners. It would seem, well, what common interests can a man and a woman have, but not at all. Maybe it’s worth doing fitness together and then heatedly discussing who did their best in training, whose form is moving faster towards the ideal. Try to assemble some kind of big puzzle, puzzle. Both get carried away by watching new films or, conversely, films that have won an Oscar. Take up photography and wander around places together in search of interesting shots, and then compare what happened, discuss photography techniques. When people are passionate about something together, it really unites. Go on a hike together. There are a lot of options, you just need to discuss interests and find common ones.
Keep an eye on your wife, maybe she has begun to take less care of herself and needs to be encouraged to do so. It is important to do this delicately, not in the form of a reproach, but a compliment. For example, tell her: “Darling, your hair is so gorgeous, why don’t you ever style it? Maybe I’ll give you a trip to the salon?” “Still, you have naturally gorgeous legs, why haven’t you worn stockings and heels for a long time?” “I’ve never seen an eye color like yours. And when you do eye makeup, they turn blue.”
Revive feelings in bed. Is it possible that sex has become a routine: ordinary positions, an unchanged bed, lights off? All this can be replaced by sex on the kitchen table, beautiful lingerie, new tricks on how to please a woman. Try to re-recognize the familiar body of your wife, look for her erogenous zones or remember well-forgotten old ones. At first it may seem shy and unacceptable, insipid, but here, the main thing is to start and you can get involved. Sex is a two-sided game, if one tries to please the other and succeeds, then the other gradually begins to get turned on more and more often by memories of pleasant voluptuous moments.
Give your wife compliments more often. Yes, this is quite a way to revive feelings, although to some it seems pointless in a long relationship. Firstly, a woman who is complimented becomes more dignified, her eyes begin to shine, and over time she changes in appearance. And secondly, if you constantly pay attention to your wife in search of reasons for compliments, then after some time they will become visible to the naked eye.
For some, on the contrary, it helps to be away from each other for a while. But not with another person, but alone with yourself. Go on a business trip, vacation alone. As paradoxical as it sounds, it is in separation that many understand how dear a person was. That he was like fresh air: when you have it, it’s unnoticeable, but as soon as you lose it, it becomes difficult to breathe. Kuprin also wrote in his story “Olesya”: “Separation for love is like the wind for a fire: it extinguishes a small one, and makes a large one burn even stronger.”
These methods can be combined or used separately. But, the main thing is to try to make everything look natural, and not like last-ditch attempts to save the relationship, even if this is the case. Well, the wife should give back. After all, it is possible to save an insipid marriage only if both want it.
The question arises: are such titanic efforts worth it? Even after realizing that the marriage is hopeless and there will no longer be love, many men continue to hesitate. They are tormented by the dilemma of how to act more honestly: leave their unloved wife and give themselves up new love completely or by gritting your teeth and continuing to live with your wife out of a sense of duty.
Saving a marriage is important for many reasons. And this is not only the risk of losing the woman you really love, but also not with such passionate love. Making a decision can be burdened by several circumstances:
A child together and sometimes not even alone. You need to think about whether the woman is so wise that she will not denigrate the father’s name in front of the child and prevent meetings. And who can argue that a child who was raised in a full-fledged family has a better chance of growing up as a harmonious personality. It is possible that the relationship with your own child is still more valuable than this love. But this does not apply to families where there are constant scandals and humiliation of each other. No child will be better off in such a family. Seeing how father and mother throw mud at each other is unbearable and will affect the psyche and perception of relationships in the future.
Jointly acquired property that you do not want to divide. If the marriage is quite long, then the spouses have often acquired labor activity a lot of joint property. But no money can replace calm and happy life, and besides, the legal half is quite a good start for a new life.
The wife was there both in poverty and in illness, and the man feels obliged to her. If a man leaves gracefully, then he has nothing to be ashamed of. You should be ashamed of dishonest and cruel relationships with women.
We have known each other since childhood, the wife knows the man like crazy, and no one understands him like that. The marriage was preceded by an unearthly love story, the memories of which are warm to this day. Sometimes love passes and all that remains of it are memories; this must be accepted, but not confused with fading love. Even if love is gone, respect must remain. There is definitely something to respect for such a woman.
All these reasons are quite valid, but sometimes they are a cover for those who do not want to make a decision.
If a man likes a woman and it is mutual, then there is a high probability that they will have intimacy. If this happens, it is important not to rush headlong into the pool and make mistakes. Mistakes you shouldn't make:
Run to tell your wife everything after the first night with another woman. Perhaps this is a mistake that after some time will be ashamed to remember, and the scar on a woman’s heart will remain for life.
Ask friends and acquaintances for advice. Such advice will be of little use. They can advise anything, but it’s not for them to sort it out. Another person will never understand all the intricacies of relationships between people. This is very difficult even for eminent psychologists, let alone ordinary people. Even the closest friends have built their own picture of other people's relationships in their heads, based on details taken out of context.
Promise a woman to marry and give up everything for her. This is an unconstructive conversation, and it is based on emotions. Such a decision is not made in one day, and especially not immediately after sex. And to fool a woman is at least dishonest.
Sometimes even after such actions we have to continue living together. But it would be good to take this as a lesson, and not an open door to such actions. The betrayal will still come to light and you will have to solve it, but the relationship with your wife will be damaged forever.
It is quite possible that the marriage was initially unsuccessful and this is really the same love and the woman with whom you want to grow old. Determining this at the time of hormonal attack is the most difficult thing. But these deep feelings or animal passion can be determined by certain signs:
He is not attracted to other women, all thoughts are only about this particular one, and attempts to get closer to his wife give nothing except the desire to see his new chosen one as soon as possible.
True love is not selfish; you always think about the well-being of your loved one. Passion wants to constantly take, but love wants to give. There is a desire to please a woman, to give her gifts. And, most importantly, she has the strength to leave if she realizes that she will be better off in this case. At first, even in a passionate relationship, there may be something like self-sacrifice, but it will be just a game. Over time, selfishness will begin to seep into the details and it is important to notice them.
Disadvantages do not irritate, but touch. The figure is not examined under a microscope, not subject to cellulite and deviations from standards. I like a woman for who she is, her entire image and character.
It’s interesting to spend time with a woman, even without sex. Provided that it already existed. It’s not just interesting to talk on the phone for hours and discuss something.
A man who experiences ordinary passion will get what he wants from a woman until he gets bored and she becomes uninteresting to him. And this usually happens quite quickly. Not after 2 weeks, of course, but after six months, boredom and irritation usually begins in a fake relationship. That is why you should never cut from the shoulder, you need to wait. Perhaps what seemed most important six months ago will seem like fleeting entertainment and a mistake.
If everything is well thought out, time has passed, and the man is still sure that this is love. I am sure that the new chosen one is the same and he wants to share his life and everyday life with her, then he needs to make a decision to leave his wife. Keeping such a woman as your mistress, but not leaving your wife, is the height of dishonesty. Both of these women do not deserve to be treated this way. You need to decide which woman you plan to stay with and go towards this goal even if it is morally difficult.
Living with an unloved woman will not make anyone happier, especially this unloved woman. She also has the right to be loved and desired. And on everything globe There will undoubtedly be a person who was looking for exactly her. And she consoles herself with the hope that her husband’s passion for her will return and everything will be as before, gradually fading and dissolving her unspent femininity and sexuality in everyday problems. The man himself also does not have to feel guilty if the love has passed. You can leave gracefully, without offending anyone, and try to make the woman’s future life easier. If she has no other housing, then leave her the joint property or give her time to buy out the share. If ex-wife plans to move, then help her move, find out what other help she needs.
When making such a decision, you need to pay attention to everyday moments and life principles of the new chosen one. Is she neat, does she spend money wisely, how does she feel about the addition to the family, does she like to cook. If you don’t discuss all this on the shore, then over time, disagreements in such moments can kill any love.
After all, if the decision is wrong, then the lives of three people can be ruined. Unfortunately, there are men who understand what they have lost only at the stage of divorce. Not every woman is able to take someone like that back. Then the new chosen one will quickly get bored and everything will happen again. But each next time will be more difficult in many ways.
If the decision is finally made, then you need to leave gracefully. A worthy man will never offend a woman who has shared her life with him for many years.
Firstly, this is of course a financial issue. According to the laws of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, acquired property will have to be divided in half, regardless of who worked and earned more. This seems unfair to many men. And they either suffer an unsuccessful marriage or try to rob their wife with threats. Neither one nor the other will lead to good things. If the marriage is over, then the wisest thing would be to divide everything according to the law and proudly leave. She was around for many years, she really contributed to the earnings and rightfully deserved her half. After a hard day of work, she washed and fed her tired husband, and raised his heirs. Moreover, if a woman has been a housewife all her life and is already quite old, then it would be fair to leave her most of it or transfer everything to the children. Because this is humane, because she did not build a career to some extent sacrificing this for the sake of her husband’s career.
Secondly, the moral side. Even if a woman herself stopped loving a long time ago, she will be hurt, her self-esteem will be harmed. The conversation through which a woman learns about her husband’s decision to divorce is very important. It needs to be carried out in such a way that the woman does not feel that she is unnecessary and bad; she needs to explain that only this story has ended, but not her ability that other men like. If she starts throwing tantrums, under no circumstances should she descend into backlash and scandals. Women are more emotional creatures; you shouldn’t fall for such a provocation. And besides, at this moment she has every right to express her pain in this way.
Whatever may be said about the moral side of this issue, life is not so simple. There is no black and white in life, every coin has two sides. Can't be. If a man fell in love with another woman, this does not mean that he is a scoundrel and a scoundrel. The main thing is not to be a coward and admit to yourself what this feeling is, acting according to your conscience. But a strong family where they support and respect each other for many years definitely has a chance to survive, even if it means suffering mentally for some time. But what is impossible is to sit on two chairs. Trying to do this will end in suffering and reproaches on both sides.
Thanks for your blog. It’s very interesting and I would like to think it’s useful to read your posts.
I am writing to you in the hope that my post will be published for one reason or another and that I will receive your valuable advice and thoughts. Because I am very confused and walking in circles, unable to understand what to do. And walking is very tiring both the head and heart and body.
Married, little daughter 6 years old. In all the years of marriage I have never looked to the left once, but last year I was surprised to discover that I flirt and make advances with women much more actively than before. Relations at home were bad, probably defaulted, but before I was somehow distracted by sports or the Internet. Enough. A year ago I stopped having enough and started chatting online with a friend. Quite quickly the correspondence became quite frank and soon I cowardly completely ran away from home problems into this virtual outlet. Although I knew all the time that there could be no special continuation of this flirtation, and I would not leave the family. No matter how I feel about my wife, I love my daughter very much.
Then I met L. At first there seemed to be nothing. A week later I wrote a message, simply. She answered, began to correspond and continued for three days with breaks for sleep and other physiology. On the fourth day there was a mutual declaration of love.
A crazy surge of energy, just going through the Himalayas, the feeling of soaring and those same butterflies. Long meetings at work whenever and wherever possible. Without physical contact, just talking, being close, romance.
At home, relationships went completely wrong. It’s not surprising, being physically in the apartment
in fact, I was online all the time.
Two weeks later, I explained to L. that everything was very bad at home, and I might leave my wife, but I didn’t want leaving to be connected with L. in any way, so I was taking a timeout for a few days so that I could step away and think about what do next.
The timeout did not help at all, and we continued to see and communicate with L. in the same mode as before.
A month later there was physical intimacy. Everything except sex itself. Both she and I had a barrier. Although I wanted it madly and it was just as madly good.
After some time, my wife saw a couple of SMS messages and almost daily scandals and conversations began. I lied to my wife that I no longer communicated with L., said that I felt bad, that I didn’t love her and that my beloved child was holding me. She cried, I felt sorry for her. I felt trapped, where any step only made the situation worse. I also suddenly learned that my wife had read my phone before. I saw some innocent correspondence (really innocent), which I considered unacceptable and cooled off, without telling me anything or trying to clarify.
As I wrote before, sport always helped, but there was an ambush here too. I played volleyball quite seriously in my youth, now I play amateur and was seriously injured in one of the games. So much so that I could hardly walk. For me the absence physical activity It’s hard to worry, but now there’s more constant pain. I drank every evening for almost two weeks, but I stopped myself; alcohol definitely didn’t help, although it dulled the pain and slowed down the endless carousel of “You can’t leave” in your head.
I continued to communicate with L. and discovered new things in myself. For example, I realized that I was terribly jealous, although I previously thought that I simply lacked this trait and, perhaps, even treated jealous people with contempt.
L. complained that it was hard for her, that she missed me, that she wanted certainty, but a solution still did not appear in my head.
We met about once a week and communicated virtually the rest of the time. Finally, I decided that I needed to stay and told L. about it. Then it seemed to me that I was leaving a little in the black, but I couldn’t find the strength to leave in an environmentally friendly way. Or didn't really want to leave. As a result, a few days later I wrote to L. again and the relationship resumed. This continued for another 6 weeks, then the same scenario again. I can’t, I love you, I need to leave. L.’s sobs, a few days later I write to her again myself and all over again.
It was hard for me to just be at home. Not because of scandals, because of the oppressive atmosphere. Finally, I decided to leave, there were several more difficult conversations with my wife, after one of them we agreed that I would go to work, bring my daughter from the kindergarten and leave, but my wife asked me to stay the night, and I stayed the night. And in the morning I realized that I still couldn’t leave. My daughter won’t let me go, and I feel sorry for my wife.
L. wrote that she was exhausted, that she was going crazy, that she needed communication. That she loves, but she decided to communicate perhaps with other men, since I cannot be with her. I supported her verbally, and at first thinking that I supported her, that it would be easier for her, but then I began to go crazy with jealousy. But he didn't tell her about it.
Now I'm in another country. For the last two weeks I’ve been writing to her occasionally, in the “how are you, how are you” category. The last such message remained unanswered. In a week I can see L. if she wants. Now I don’t know if he will.
During these months, I felt a lot of new experiences, from euphoria and happiness to complete apathy, self-loathing and suicide planning (this heresy, thank God, passed). The happiness and euphoria have passed, and now I just don’t know what to do and I feel terrible fatigue and loss of strength. I feel like I’m in a swamp, I’m afraid of losing L., I feel like I can’t live without her, I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of mess for unknown reasons.
I understand for myself that I want to be with L., but I’m afraid of messing things up. And at the same time, I love my daughter very much, and I don’t want to traumatize her. It torments me that I will hurt a child. At the same time, it is impossible to continue in the same mode. I’m already breaking down on a physical level: I started to catch a cold, I’m losing weight, although I’m less active and eat the same amount. Help me please.
Thank you!"
My comment
The main person whose happiness you are responsible for is yourself. Not your wife, not even your daughter, but you, although you must fulfill your fatherly duty, of course, both by law and by conscience, and because you love her. But this duty does not include being with her mother against her wishes and contrary to her normal well-being. The main person you have to make happy is you.
There are excellent fathers who do not live with their children, there are bad ones who do, you probably know it yourself.
As far as I understand, you never had normal sex with L.? If so, it's wrong. The time-out was taken incorrectly, especially with the wording “I don’t want leaving to be associated with you.” What is this anyway? It is with her that he should be connected. If you want to build a new relationship, you must be generous in this relationship, you must say and show that you love her and leave your wife for this new love, you must have sex with the woman you love, you must not make it clear that your wife is for you. you come first. By doing this, you close all the ways for the development of new relationships, break them, but break your marriage too. While you are simply pushing L away from you, you are doing everything to make her stop loving you, and maybe even hate you. But will you get the love of your wife in return? You probably understand that no.
Your tossing is very typical for a married, kind, decent person who loves his daughter, but you are trying to sit on two chairs, you don’t let L feel your passion and love, and you can’t give your feelings to your wife. You deprive everyone of their feelings, including yourself.
This comes from the fact that you (like many people) arrogantly believe that you can control your emotions. No. A person cannot directly control emotions; he can create in advance some circumstances that can indirectly influence emotions. No person is capable of directly forcing himself to stop loving one and loving another. He can suppress his feelings, arouse in himself hatred for what is happening, prohibit, stifle his sensuality, driving him into frustration and apathy, but this will affect his health and his general condition. There is no need to do this. You need to treat your emotions and especially feelings with care. Do not blindly follow their lead, but value them and guide them in a constructive direction.
What can be a constructive direction here?
In my opinion, you began to rush to escape from the triangle too early, without actually being in it yet.
If you really want to save your marriage, it’s better not to have mistresses, but when the question is - to leave your wife, it’s better to try to have an affair on the side and then choose, otherwise you may end up with a virtual image and not a real woman. Start a relationship with your mistress to begin with, invite your wife to give you the opportunity to choose. Listen to your heart, not your mind, you are clearly overdoing the second, and you are kicking the first. Therefore, it either lets you go or covers you.
It may turn out that your relationship with L will not work out, but try to sincerely surrender to it without immediately taking clear steps. Otherwise, instead of getting to know L better, you will leave your wife for her and will be tormented as to whether you did the right thing by leaving your daughter. You will torture L and as a result you will be left without her and without a wife. Only with jealousy of new men L.
The most profitable (environmentally friendly) thing for you is for your wife to kick you out herself. Invite her to temporarily live in the triangle. If she says that you should leave, the responsibility for this will be on her, and not just on you. You will share responsibility and will not suffer so much.
If L categorically refuses to have a relationship with you until you leave your wife, even temporarily, she either doesn’t love you enough or is already too much tormented by your tossing and turning. Ask her what she wants from a relationship, and if she is sincerely ready to be with you, build a real family, respect your fatherly feelings and invest fully in the relationship, perhaps she still loves you and you should probably choose her.
She behaves competently, so it will be very difficult for you to forget her, you will suffer if you let her go now. In order not to suffer, you must give her more love and sincere promises. If she responds to this by continuing to date other men and not taking you very seriously, she may have already stopped loving you. But if you have no emotional debts to her, if you are sincere and loving, breaking up and forgetting her will be much easier for you than if you continue to push her away, torment her and try to sit on two chairs, as you are doing now.
Sergey Maksimov
Hello! Sergey, 45 years old, married for 20 years, 3 children, 19, 10 and 10. I met a woman whom I have always (30 years) loved very much, and still love! I don’t know whether to tell my wife. We both suffer because we are not free (
Sergey Maksimov
Some advice
Sergey Maksimov
I don’t know, but it’s also unbearable without this woman! Maybe he will understand?
Sergey Maksimov
I want to be with her, but I feel sorry for my wife!
Sergey Maksimov
Not really, I just want to be with her
Sergey Maksimov, yes, I understand.. Loving is wonderful.. What can I say..
But if you turn on reality and put aside emotions, what then is the bottom line?
Now I want to be with her.. And in a year?
How can you live happily, forgetting about everything, if you know that you have a wife and three children...
Can you?
How did your beloved captivate you? What was missing in the marriage?
Sergey Maksimov
I fell in love with her since I was 14 years old, when we met in a pioneer camp. She is very beautiful!! He courted and offered to be together. She refused, citing the fact that she was too young, not ready, and in general, did not understand what it was... Unfortunately, I was neither persistent nor patient. He stepped aside. Almost disappeared from her life, but having learned that she married her husband, he is constantly very angry that she did not choose me. She had 3 marriages, all unsuccessful, also 3 children, but older. After the last one, he has a surname like mine)) Now he says that if I had been more persistent in my youth, we would have been together...
I understand with my mind that if we are together, the passion may pass, but I can’t do anything with myself ((
Sergey Maksimov
We correspond and meet. I often take her to work by car and pick her up. I spent the night with her several times. We had great sex more than once! Lives not far from my house. Anticipating the question, I’ll answer while I’m working in a taxi, with a free schedule.
No, I’m not talking about work :) I’m talking about illusions.. About wonderful sex and rare meetings on the sly.. Perhaps this is why your feelings are so strong and bright. Because you don’t live together, don’t lead a life together, don’t raise children, don’t do anything uninteresting... Everything is bright, rich. You know, leave everything as it is for now.. Breaking 20 years of marriage is easy.. But restoring it is sooooo difficult, sometimes impossible.. Therefore, wait, time will put everything in its place. Perhaps this love obsession will end as it did then? And here is an ordinary person, and there is a dear one, but no longer his wife... Wait with the conversation. Let everything go as it goes...
Sergey Maksimov
Thank you, Olga! Good advice, soothing, but unfortunately expected. But there are just no bright impressions (We are no longer young, we both have 3 children and we both know firsthand what life is like. This is what we miss, no matter how strange it may sound. One day she I asked to take her to one of the chain hypermarkets, we walked together and chose goods. You can’t imagine how much pleasure we both got!! We can’t just go to the movies, I can’t kiss her hard near work... And... There’s a lot of things that haven’t happened yet Can.
And one more thing. I am very jealous, especially about her past. Among her friends there are people who were in close relationships with her (not husbands). There are not many of them, two people, but, as she says, they exchange congratulations and that’s it. I believe, but when I ask him to stop, he answers, “don’t forget, you’re married and I’m nobody to you.” I'm probably wrong, but...
Okay, Olga. Thank you again!!) Probably I just needed to vent to someone, and as you yourself understand, there is no one else (
P.S. I've lost her twice already, and I'm dying to do this again.
P.P.S. We are no longer young and we will never get another chance to be together.
I would be happy to make an appointment with you, let’s talk, if it’s not very expensive)). But only live)))
Relationships are complicated things. Some people manage to build and preserve them, but others fail. And if women are mostly constant in their choice, then men often have the following dilemma: I’m married, but I’ve fallen in love with someone else. What to do in such a situation?
What's missing from a marriage?
Men are complex creatures. Their behavior is often incomprehensible to the fair sex. And men themselves sometimes cannot answer the question of why married people fall in love with others. There are four main reasons that most often cause long-term relationships to fail.
- Lack of freedom. A man must understand that he is free to make any decisions. But sometimes the restrictions that a spouse places on the behavior of a married man become unthinkable. If a wife forbids her husband to spend time with friends, visit his parents, or go fishing, then it is not surprising that such prohibitions will cause irritation.
- Loss of trust. A young man can find himself a mistress as a sign of protest. For example, if a wife incites jealousy in a man, a representative of the stronger sex may respond in kind. He will not figure out whether his wife is having an affair on the side. He will take a mistress and will be consoled by the thought that his lawful wife is also cheating on him.
- Lack of love. Men need tenderness and affection. Even those individuals who look brutal and say that they can easily do without calf tenderness will not mind receiving all sorts of signs of attention from their significant other.
- Lack of respect. Representatives of the stronger sex want to be an authority figure for their wife. If a girl stops turning to her husband for advice and begins to make all decisions herself, then the man’s pride will soon be infringed.
Divergence of Interests
Which one is the most common reason marriage breakdowns? Men leave the family when they feel that they have morally outgrown their wife. How does it happen that the husband develops, while the wife stalls in one place? When people get married, they have approximately the same potential. How to dispose of it, each person decides for himself. A man can build a career, while a woman will have everything of her own free time pay attention to improving the house and raising the child. After 3-5 years, a moral chasm forms between the spouses. The husband will become a successful businessman who spends a lot of time at work and wants to go out in his free time. The wife will not be able to accompany the man, since her level of intelligence, to put it mildly, will not reach the level of her husband. The man will be ashamed of his wife, and over time he will simply stop going to social events with her. The young man will soon find a girl who will suit him more than a wife. So you get a standard male situation: I’m married, but I fell in love with someone else.
We haven't had enough time
Another reason why young guys take mistresses is the elementary lack of saturation of life. A person who got married during his college years and did not have much experience communicating with the opposite sex will be very inexperienced. His first love is his wife. After a few years of marriage, a young man begins to think whether he did the right thing by marrying the first girl he liked. The thought that the ladies around him, for example, colleagues, are better than his legal wife, will not let him sleep. If a man’s life is not eventful, then such reflections will lead to a situation where only one phrase can be said: I’m married, but I’ve fallen in love with someone else.
Youth forces a man to do rash things and try things that are forbidden. Cheating on a husband who is 20-22 years old is much more likely than cheating on a man who is 30 years old.
New emotions
Of course, it is impossible to say with certainty that only young husbands cheat. Men who have been married for more than 15 years can also cheat. Why does a married man fall in love with another? If a person’s life is too calm and monotonous, he will quickly get bored with it. Any person wants everyday life to feel like a holiday, and not like Groundhog Day. Changing your life radically is a difficult task. Not every person can handle it. You will have to break yourself and get out of your comfort zone. But everyone can change some part of their life and bring new experiences into it. Some men find relief in having a mistress. The young girl is different from the wife. She looks at the man with adoration, does everything that is asked of her, and prepares for every date with pleasure. Such meetings are exciting; they add variety to the dull everyday life. A man has to live double life, and this requires a lot of mental concentration. We have to come up with excuses, think about how to find money to provide for our family and mistress. Of course, an affair on the side will not bring lasting pleasure, but in the moment it can make life brighter.
Understand yourself
A married man has fallen in love with another woman, what should he do first? Understand themselves. A person must give an account of any of his actions, thoughts or feelings. To say that love settled in the heart involuntarily means lying to yourself. A man cannot fall in love with another woman if he truly loves his wife. If a friendly feeling for a colleague or girlfriend has grown into something more, then you need to find problems in your relationship with your wife. A woman may be less attractive in appearance, or she may not pay enough attention to a man. You should understand what exactly needs to be changed in the current family situation. Leaving your wife right away is not best idea. Think about whether the situation can be improved. But don’t throw the burden of your problems onto fragile women’s shoulders. First decide what you will tell your wife. Make valid claims to her. But remember that you are not an angel either. You cannot blame your wife for all the troubles that befall your family. Understand yourself, think about what you can do to improve relationships and bring the former fire into them.
Talk to your wife
When did you spend internal work and understand what exactly you want to get from this life, you can talk to your ex-lover. Tell your wife that you have lost interest in her, and immediately name the reasons why you do not feel the same closeness. But don't make your monologue completely accusatory. Say that in any relationship, not one individual is to blame, but both. Tell us about your failures and what you are not doing to ensure that love lives in your family. Let your wife speak. She also has her own opinion about what is happening in your relationship. When one person grows cold towards another, it is impossible not to notice. Should you tell your wife about your mistress? Take your time with things. First, listen to what your wife thinks about marriage. If she, like you, thinks that love is dead, then tell her that you need to break up and remain friends. If a woman doesn’t want to let you go and says that she loves you, think, maybe it’s worth reviving what once burned with a bright flame?
Can a married man fall in love with someone else? Such situations are not isolated, so the question can be answered in the affirmative. Don't torment yourself with thoughts about whether you feel love for your new friend or whether it's something more. Talk to your wife, clarify the situation and draw conclusions based on the dialogue.
Will your wife forgive you for cheating?
Have you heard anyone say: I’m married, but I fell in love with someone else? When a similar situation happens to friends, you can look at them with condemnation. What if something similar happened to you? How to sort out your feelings? A man must understand a simple fact: if he tells his wife about his mistress, he will hurt his feelings loved one and will forever lose the woman’s trust. You can forgive betrayal, but it is impossible to forget about it. Relationships before and after cheating will be very different. A woman will no longer be able to trust her husband, even if in the end he chooses her. Why? A man will think as follows: well, if she forgave once, then she will forgive again. Therefore, it should be understood that betrayal leaves a scar on a woman’s heart. Well, you should also remember one piece of wisdom: if you choose between me and someone, choose not me. If you truly loved, you would have no doubts.
Should I stay married for the sake of children?
A man fell in love with another girl, and he is married, but he cannot leave the family because he has children. Is it worth staying with an unloved woman just for the sake of a child? No, it's not worth it. If the only thing that keeps you in the family is children, then feel free to leave. A child needs both parents, but more than that, he needs a normal atmosphere of love and care. If there are eternal scandals and clashes between adults in the house, this will not benefit the child. It’s better to see dad temporarily, but to live in an atmosphere of calm and understanding. Abandoning a child is difficult, only abandoning several children is more difficult. But people are selfish, and that's normal. Children will not appreciate your sacrifice. They won't say thank you. You set the standard level. Therefore, do not expect gratitude for putting up with your unloved wife and living for the sake of your beloved children.
See a Psychotherapist
A married man fell in love with another woman? Psychology will help solve many problems. Contact a family therapist. A specialist will help you understand yourself and find out real reasons marriage breakdown. You can only observe the consequences, while the causes can be lost in the abyss of time or successfully forgotten under the influx of new problems. It is possible to solve a problem by being directly involved in it, but it is very difficult. If you don’t want to spend a lot of time studying psychoanalysis and then poking around in your soul in detail, invest in a good specialist.
Leaving go
Married but fell in love with someone else? What to do in this situation. If you have analyzed the situation and made a decision to leave, do not delay in implementing it. Every day it will be more and more difficult to leave. You will hesitate, your wife will press for pity, your child will whine. As a result, you will succumb to persuasion and stay in the place where you feel bad. It's not worth doing this. If you decide to leave, leave. But remember that the doors will be closed back. You won't be able to return. Trust will be damaged even if you manage to restore the relationship. Your wife's relatives will look at you askance and communicate with coldness. So think twice before taking fateful decision about care.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, I understand that what I write here is only for me to sort out, but I would like to hear the opinion of competent people.
And so, I am 28 years old, my wife is 32, we are currently married, but it is on the verge of collapse. My wife, despite being older than me, looks great and sexy. Everyone says that she is younger than me. My wife and I have been together for 3 years, of which we dated for a year and have been married for two years. We have a daughter, she is 1.5 years old, I love her very much and do not like her. We live in abundance, we have everything we need, good flat, car, job, there are no problems with money, because... I have a good job and I earn good money, I support my family myself.
I have grown very cold towards my wife; I don’t have the same feelings that I had before. Intimate life I’m not with her either, for a month for sure. About 5 months ago I met another girl. We started an affair with her, and we didn’t even notice how we fell in love with each other. My wife felt that I had changed, that I had lost interest in her, but I lied to her and told her that everything was fine, I was just tired.
The girl I'm dating loves me very much and wants a further, serious relationship with me, but doesn't put pressure on me for it. I myself want a serious relationship with her, but I’m afraid of leaving the family, because... My daughter will be left without a father and I am very worried about this. I repeat, I love my daughter very much. I am sure that if it weren’t for her, my wife and I would definitely have divorced. She and I even talked about this topic. My wife says that let’s try everything all over again, at least for the sake of the child, but I have no desire to try, I’m drawn to someone else. The wife's parents are no longer alive. I only told my parents that I no longer have feelings for my wife and I want to get a divorce. Naturally, they don’t particularly approve of this, but they say it’s up to you to decide.
I honestly respect my wife, I value her as the mother of my child, as a person, as a woman, but I don’t love her, I love someone else and want to be with her.
Here's what to do in such a situation, step on your own throat, your feelings and stay with your wife, live without feelings and love for your wife, for the sake of your daughter, or live with the person you really love and want to be with him???
Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.
Hello, Alexander!
I’ll say right away that I personally am a supporter of people taking responsibility for their happiness and the happiness of those around them. Therefore, I consider the option “I can’t leave my wife because the child will be left without a father” as an irresponsible attitude towards the family in general, and towards children in particular. This is equivalent to what has been broadcast for so long by our “folk wisdom” - “Out of sight, out of mind!”
Whatever your relationship with your current wife, a civilized attitude towards your common child can make his life not so difficult and the separation of his parents, if such a decision is made, he will be able to bear it easier, not reacting as painfully to the divorce itself as in cases where a child is made a hostage of unresolved issues between adults.
It is human nature to follow your desires to be happy, to be loved. And if it just so happens that all this is not in today’s relations, then it is more honest and correct for all participants to discuss the current situation and make the right decision that could satisfy everyone. But! Here, as always, this notorious “BUT!” arises. The inability of one or all participants in the current situation to analyze all the pros and cons of such a decision, resentment or anger towards the partner, the intervention of well-wishers in the conflict itself can provoke the development of that very “uncivilized” option, when the child will suffer the most from the situation and become a hostage or even worse, a tool for partners to influence each other. Here, material claims can emerge, which will instantly cool all the love for the child from one of the parents, and human claims at the psychological level, when unspoken grievances or the inability to cope with the situation itself will lead to aggressive actions such as bans on a meeting with one of the parents, setting the child up against one or all participants in the conflict, and the inability to cope with difficulties will also cause aggression directed at the child, as a substitute for the offender, which also does not contribute to the happy development and formation of personality. In general, the situation can develop according to numerous scenarios! And which one will become yours and your wife’s will depend only on how you can behave in this situation. Of course, a lot also depends on your other half, but if you manage to convince her that you will be ready to continue to bear your share of responsibility for your common child and this will not affect your relationship with him, then perhaps you will be able to stay even though not family, but good friends when the bitterness from the losses subsides. I would like to say that special attention should be paid to the child himself. It just seems that they are small and do not understand anything. Their level of emotional empathy is quite high and therefore they acutely feel changes in their parents’ relationships; they do not need to understand this in words, they already feel it. But the not yet formed ability to analyze what is happening and a certain self-centeredness of children leads to the fact that they often begin to consider themselves to blame for the fact that their parents separated. And with these calculations of theirs, they suffer the most, especially if the parents could not explain to him that this is not so, that this happens between parents, but this is in no way his fault and the fact that he is this great happiness for both spouses .
Due to my work, I am faced with various life situations and their solutions in people's lives. But I have never met happy people who decided to stay with unloved people. This did not make any of these families happy, neither adults nor children, for whose sake the family was preserved, because in such families there was no trust between partners and family members, because indifference spread like a dangerous infection to all its members. But in my practice there were people who were able to become happy and raise children resistant to stress and life's challenges, successful and loving only because they were able to provide them with that level of trust between former partners and respect for others and their desires, which is so necessary for in order to be happy in life.
