Psychology - the ability to communicate with people. How to learn to communicate with people, exercise, and be interesting. Why you can't talk to people correctly

I believe, dear readers, you don’t need to explain how important it is to be able to communicate with people - to communicate competently, with benefit for yourself, and not just chaotically exchange information with them, without any specific purpose. Communication needs to be learned from early years to master this art to perfection. Then a person’s life will become much simpler and more interesting. Over the years of working as a psychologist, I have been convinced many times that many problems that people are unable to solve on their own stem from their inability to find mutual language with other people. Our language is not only our enemy, as the popular proverb says, our language, dear friends, is, first of all, our ally, it is our weapon in the world of people, and a tool that we must be able to use effectively. We will analyze this skill within the framework of this article, after reading which, I am sure, you will be able to significantly increase the productivity of your communication, and therefore transform your life.

Be patient, don’t rush, read the article thoughtfully, because with my usual detailed analysis of everything, I will try to explain to you all the main aspects of successful communication, having learned which, you will understand the essence of the general meaning of competent communication, which is useful. So, speaking about communicating with people, we should clarify this concept somewhat, that is, people who, as you already know correctly, are all different, and the situations in which you can communicate with them can also be different, and therefore the conversation should will be built differently in each individual case. Therefore, I suggest that you identify the main group of people, which we usually call the majority, and in relation to this group, use all the subsequent communication techniques that I will tell you about.

Of course, we cannot consider each person individually, which is why psychology divides people into groups for better study, but still, no matter how many of these groups there are, the main group is people who grew up in a certain environment, with certain views on life, with a certain education, mentality and some others distinctive features. Our interlocutor in this case is a person with a secondary, usually education, with a moderately brainwashed by television and other media, with a depressed psyche to a certain extent, most often a materialist to a greater extent, a person with an irrational type of thinking, well and with a number of other qualities, the enumeration of which does not make much sense. That is, this is a person who is more or less adequate from a general point of view, with whom you can communicate, whom you can meet every day in various places, but not with outstanding mental abilities.

So our interlocutor is a person whom you and I can attribute to the majority of people, and not to exceptional individuals whom we perceive in a special way. This is very important, friends, to determine with whom we will communicate, because we cannot communicate with everyone in the same way; in some cases, communication is not required at all, because there are people who understand other languages. Having decided on the interlocutor in a mass concept, let’s look at what such an interlocutor expects from communicating with us, because from our point of view we can plan any conversation plan, but we can only receive a positive response if we find a response inside the person with whom we communicate. Does our interlocutor need our attention, obviously yes, pay attention to how often you pay attention to the people with whom you communicate, do you notice their reaction, do you pay attention to their mood, do you evaluate them as a physical object, standing in front of you, but as a person with his inner world?

If not, then you will not hear even half of what they will answer you or say themselves, and taking into account the fact that the majority we have identified has a depressed psyche, without seeing insight on your part, they will run into a wall of misunderstanding and no desire to understand them, and therefore, in response, they will build their own. Such a dialogue will be similar to communication between two televisions, and not two people trying to understand each other. Now let's look at what your average interlocutor does not need and what many so often throw out during any conversation - he does not need your problems. Yes, friends, for the most part we didn’t give a damn about each other’s problems, we strive to solve our own problems, and often unsuccessfully, doing it both on our own and resorting to the help of other people, dumping on them in conversation a bunch of unsolved problems that In fact, no one wants to decide for us.

Actually, this is what distinguishes psychologists from non-psychologists; we don’t give a damn about those people with whom we communicate, who turn to us for help. And quite often we have to get so involved in someone else’s life and in other people’s problems in this life, with which a person came to us, that then we have absolutely no strength left to simply feel like ourselves. That's why. By the way, psychologists themselves often need the help of their colleagues, because they are completely overloaded with the problems of others. I do not suggest that you think about the problems of all the people with whom you communicate; do this only in relation to those who are truly interesting to you. In relation to others, it is enough just to pretend that you are interested in them and their problems, that you sincerely worry about them and that you have a desire to help them, just don’t be false, otherwise you will cause suspicion and irritation. You should keep your problems to yourself, don’t dump them like a pile of garbage on the first person you meet, if you can’t cope with them yourself, contact a psychologist, our job is to solve other people’s problems, we often experience the lives of other people in order to best help to a person.

But strangers have no use for this, they don’t need your problems, they don’t even care how you’re doing, they’re not interested in your health and tragedies in your personal life, they’re not interested in you at all. Even if your relative has died, and your work colleague has a minor promotion, it will be more interesting for him to discuss his promotion rather than console you in your grief. So remember, even if people pretend that they are interested in you, in the vast majority of cases they are not, is it even worth sharing your personal life with them? In fact, it’s worth it, but only in order to gain their trust, and your personal life in communication should be discussed in the proportions of ten percent to ninety, or a maximum of twenty percent to eighty, I think you can guess in which direction the advantage lies. Yes, friends, ninety percent of your communication with other people is a discussion of their lives, their problems, their successes, in general, everything that concerns them, and the rest is about you, so as not to seem suspicious, you are not a typical interlocutor in such a way. case.

Speaking of suspicion, if they are interested in you, if the interlocutor is interested in you, if he is mostly silent and only asks questions, that is, he is interested in you and your problems, this is very, very suspicious. It is quite possible that this is a manipulator or someone who, for his own selfish purposes, is trying to gain your trust. You see what conclusion we have with regard to people who communicate correctly, what I am teaching you is what I recommend you to beware of, because a person with his inherent egoism and manner of communication will simply not communicate in a manner atypical for the majority. Well, in the meantime, we will consider another aspect of competent communication with people, which consists of listening to what they tell you. The point here is that the words that you hear from your interlocutor are not so important as what is hidden behind them, and behind them is some kind of desire of the person, they want something from you, they expect something, you need to understand what.

Any communication implies that the interlocutors need each other for something. Even the so-called conversation “about nothing” still has hidden motives, only people do not always realize this, which is why they often do not see the point in this or that communication, and do not pursue any goals, but still communicate. Just think about what a person may want from you, telling you certain things, thanks to this you will actually hear him, and therefore you will be able to respond to his urge in the way you need, giving him what he wants, refusing, or instilling in he has hope that he will get what he deserves; in short, a person must be understood correctly. If the speed of your thinking allows you, then you can play out the situation with yourself, calculating what you yourself would want from your interlocutor, telling him what he tells you. After all, we are talking about an average person, and to a certain extent we all fit into this average statistics, therefore our behavior, desires and methods of realizing them, manifested in communication, are more similar.

Having heard a person, having understood what he wants from you, the question arises of what to answer such a person so that he does not take you with hostility, unless of course you have such a goal. First of all, people expect self-respect from you, and this is impossible if in your speech you directly or indirectly question their mental abilities. On the contrary, whatever the situation, if you want to put your interlocutor on your best terms, pretend that you are delighted with him or her, let him or her know that you find them very interesting and smart person. To emphasize this especially clearly, it is necessary to ask people questions that clarify their situation, clarify what they are telling you about, but do not overdo it, otherwise you will make your interlocutor nervous, seeming dull and just a drag. And so, friends, you and I have found out such points in relation to the average interlocutor, using which we can structure our dialogue in such a way as to get the maximum benefit out of it.

We should pay maximum attention to our interlocutor; we should not burden him with our problems, but rather, to the best of our ability, delve into his problems and pretend that they really bother us. Don’t burden people, listen to them, let them tell you everything, and in order not to seem suspiciously attentive and sensitive, occasionally talk about yourself and your life, don’t seem closed. In addition, you now know that most people are extremely important to your opinion of them, your respect and your interest in them, which is not really that difficult to emphasize, you just need to remember it and want it. And it is also very, very important to see what people hide behind their words, emotions in communication, gestures and other impulses in which their true desires and specific goals are hidden, covered by the words that they tell you.

Words are not so important, what is important is the meaning that people put into them and what they want to convey to you with their help, in order to achieve a certain reaction or specific actions from you. Since the topic of communicating with people is much deeper and we have not discussed all the points in this article that deserve attention and detailed study, I will definitely return to it in the future. In my deep conviction, being able to communicate competently and fruitfully with people around you is one of the most important skills in this life.

The psychology of communication is undoubtedly one of the most important areas of our lives. Every day we, in one way or another, interact, get to know and talk with the people around us. This is a natural process emanating from the very nature of man as a social being.

However, sometimes situations arise when for some reason it is difficult for us to communicate, especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex, dating or maintaining existing relationships. Every person, with rare exceptions, undoubtedly feels the desire to communicate, but certain complexes and imposed beliefs prevent him from doing this. This article will reveal the basic principles and tell you how to learn to communicate with people.

Is there a way to relax and enjoy it? How to stop being constrained, overcome the feeling of anxiety and fear of communication, stop worrying about trifles and make your life much more enjoyable thanks to this?

The key role of communication in human life has long been proven by scientists. Our well-being directly depends on it, successful life and relationships.

Before moving on to tips for combating the fear of communication, it is necessary to identify the very cause of this fear and the discomfort associated with it. Knowing the root of the problem and revealing its essence, it will be much easier to solve it.

How not to be afraid to communicate with people

Perhaps the fear of communication lies in your childhood; think about it, maybe you will remember some kind of conflict that happened to you as a child.

Then you didn’t attach much importance to it, but a negative aftertaste remained in your subconscious, and now it’s preventing you from developing. In this case, you should consult a specialist, or go through a series of psychological trainings that will help you overcome the current situation.

There may be other, less profound reasons, such as:

inability to competently build connections and relationships
inability to make contacts
lack of mutual understanding
excessive modesty
your timidity, shyness
excessive restraint and meekness
low self-esteem
complexes about appearance
inability to listen and understand other people
fear of displeasing others

In order to overcome this fear, you first need to understand that...

We have to admit that this fear exists. Often people accumulate all their experiences inside themselves, which further aggravates the situation, or they themselves cannot accept the problem, denying it day by day. The best thing to do is tell someone about this fear. This is the most common method in psychology, when you share a problem with friends or relatives and you feel better, you are no longer constrained by these thoughts. The feeling of negativity caused by your experiences comes out along with the words. Talk about this more and more and soon you yourself will no longer understand what you were so afraid of.
Change in you will not happen overnight. This process can take a long time, only daily long-term work on yourself will give fruitful results.
You need to stop thinking about this problem. The more you concentrate on it, the more intractable it seems to you. Relax and enjoy the process.
You need to do what you are most afraid of. Start communicating, talking to someone, and do it constantly. Continuous practice is necessary. Can't be overcome psychological problems exclusively by reading literature and special articles. To learn to talk calmly with people and defend your position, you need to start taking action. Confidence and calmness when communicating directly depend on the acquired practical experience. The more of it, the better. Do not stop.
Remember, if you decide to fight a problem and do nothing, it means you have decided not to do anything.
Fight with yourself, do not stop at the achieved result, believe in yourself and try to find a person who would support you.
If you find it difficult to communicate directly with people, then start with telephone conversations. Think about it, maybe you have been planning to do something for a long time, and certain information is not available to you, and you can only get it by calling, for example, a help desk or Internet provider. Start calling, find out the cost and all sorts of details. Write down a list of questions you want to ask in advance and get started. You ask about work hours, their location, email address, email, ask to explain how you can find them.
Gradually you will achieve the desired result, your voice will stop shaking, stiffness will go away, and you will no longer need a sheet of paper with questions, you will improvise. This way you will prepare yourself for the next stage - real communication. To do this, talk to strangers as often as possible, ask them specific questions or contact them with requests: find out how to get to the place you need, which bus is better to take, which stop to get off at, how to get somewhere, where the bus is located. or other organization. In stores, be sure to agree to the consultant’s offer to help you (or approach the seller yourself with questions). Look for all sorts of reasons to communicate on your own, this will serve effective development your imagination and will relieve unnecessary stress when meeting new people.
Try to read more, learn new information every day, and form your own opinion about certain events. Practice on people close to you more often because you feel more relaxed when talking to them than when you talk to strangers. Tell us about a movie you recently watched or a book you read: what you liked or didn’t like and why; your opinion about the main characters; plot; will you watch this movie or re-read the book, or perhaps try other books by the author.

What should I do if they don’t want to communicate with me?

There are situations when we join a new team or are invited to spend time in a company, however, contact is not established, you move away from the group and become a black sheep, they bypass you and avoid communicating with you. The reason for this may be a lack of energy, interest in others and life drive, as well as interests, hobbies and opinions.

If you are confident in yourself, then behave as naturally as possible and, most importantly, maintain inner peace.

Don't let what's happening of great importance. But don’t wait for someone to come up to you and introduce themselves. Take the first step yourself, be more proactive, take part in discussions, and do not refuse if you are asked for something.

Another problem may be communication with the opposite sex.

Let's move on to the tips

How to learn to communicate with guys

Proper communication with your boyfriend will help you build a good long-term relationship.

Remember, if the conversation has reached a dead end, and your interlocutor has nothing to talk about with you, then he will almost immediately lose interest in you.

To understand how to talk and what to talk about, try to find out what he is like, what he does, if he has hobbies and what he likes.

Try to be positive and cheerful, everyone likes such people, they make you smile and forget about your problems. A smile always inspires confidence and promotes mutual understanding. Never forget to smile, this will help you avoid tension in the conversation. Never wring your arms or cross them over your chest, because... this gesture is subconsciously perceived as protection and closedness, reluctance to communicate, a desire to protect one’s comfort zone. Don’t be nervous or tense, don’t bite your lips, this is also a sign of awkwardness. Be yourself.

When talking to a guy, try to choose topics that he is passionate about, try to figure them out yourself, and only then move on to a discussion.

Of course, you don't have to know everything thoroughly. Ask him something on the topic, he will only be pleased that you are not indifferent to his knowledge and opinion.

Don’t be silent, but if it happens that you don’t have anything to answer, then say that this is not familiar to you. This way, you will be able to show your unobtrusiveness, the guy will understand that you are not so easy to interest. If a guy asks you to tell about yourself, don’t forget, a couple of main points about your life and that’s it. Let us remind you that when communicating with guys, you need to focus all your attention on them, and not on yourself.

You can talk with a guy on all sorts of topics, based on your mood, but without vulgarity and intimate details, this is unacceptable during the first conversation. Try to talk about generally known topics; you should avoid women’s gossip and discussing other people behind their backs.

The most important thing is to maintain a casual conversation, this will let you understand what exactly the guy is interested in.

How to learn to communicate with girls

If you like a girl and don't know where to start to start a conversation with her, then just smile and greet her. A warm and sincere smile always puts you in a positive mood when communicating. Try to make your smile appear warm and sincere. Do this, and not a single girl will be able to resist such a tempting invitation to meet you.

« What should I talk to her about?“- such a question arises at the very moment when you find yourself alone with a girl you like, further acquaintance with whom would give you great pleasure.

Ask questions, but at the same time, avoid those that she could answer with a monosyllabic “yes” or “no.” Instead of: “Do you like this movie? - “What films do you usually watch?” or “How do you feel about...?” Give free rein to your imagination, find out more about your interlocutor. This advice is really effective if you don’t know how to get a silent person to talk.

Thanks to these tips, you will learn to enjoy being in company and will win people over. If you still feel that you are timid when communicating with unfamiliar people, remember what we told you about today. It's time to overcome your fears.

Video: How to communicate with a variety of people?

Attention, TODAY only!

Hello, dear readers.. Today, my dear friends, I will tell you about how to communicate with people correctly. I’ll tell you how much we need it and show its basic rules. And most importantly, I will explain under what conditions these rules exactly work. And each of you will be able to check this for yourself.

Man is a social creature (herd)

Whether we like it or not, we live comfortably surrounded by our own kind (in society). This is how it happened historically. It is much easier to survive in a group than alone. In addition, nature has endowed us with a highly developed consciousness and the ability to express our thoughts and desires through vocal speech (verbally).

Communication with other people is important for us because at certain moments our own life, but most often this is a necessary condition for a comfortable existence. So the question is: how to communicate with people correctly? important enough for everyone.

According to the semantic load and meaning, communication between people can be classified into three positions:

The degree to which each of these matters is likely determined by your age and the set of circumstances in which you currently find yourself.

But one circumstance remains unchanged for each of us. You need to be able to communicate with other people and express your thoughts; this is not an innate instinct. We learn this as we grow older.

The ability to get along with people is so vitally important!

How to communicate

The best topic of communication in modern society writer Dale Carnegie revealed in his writings. All his books begin with the word “how” and are a guide to action for every day. If we briefly formulate the rules he developed, we get a set of six postulates.

For proper communication, it is important to do the following things.

Be sincere. In other words, the desire to communicate with another person should be in demand for yourself. There is no need to do this by force. There is no desire to talk to someone, it’s better not to do it.
Smile more often. This is a purely psychological technique. The smile of the interlocutor gives a signal to our subconscious that there is no danger and relieves tension.
Try to remember the name of the interlocutor and when speaking directly, call him by name. This is also a psychological technique. Calling by name in the listener’s subconscious is perceived as recognition of his uniqueness and increases the self-esteem of your interlocutor. On the other hand, a person unconsciously tends to communicate with you in a confidential manner.
Know or learn to listen. Don't hear, but listen. This means that during a conversation with your interlocutor, you are aware of what the speaker wants to convey to you, and do not perceive his speech as background. It’s not for nothing that nature has endowed us with one mouth and two ears.
Show interest in yourself during communication. Talk to your interlocutor about what he is really interested in. Thus, you become a significant figure for him.
Emphasize the importance of your interlocutor. Praise him for the valuable things you have gained in this communication with him. But do this with extreme caution and restraint. Such praise should be sincere and to the point. Our subconscious easily recognizes lies and flattery addressed to us. There is a very fine line here.

The most important formula for success is knowing how to treat people.

Necessary conditions for proper communication

Contacting people, naturally, implies conversation (verbal communication). Our subconscious perceives the interlocutor’s speech through two channels simultaneously:

what we say, i.e. content of phrases and sentences;
how we talk, i.e. our emotions expressed in facial expressions, position of body parts, gestures, intonation, eye expression, etc.

Moreover, the subconscious mind trusts the content of speech no more than 15%. But body language is perceived by him by almost 55%.

“... Now, soldier, figure out where Moscow is and where Baghdad is.”

Excerpt from Leonid Filatov’s poem “About Fedot the Sagittarius of the Daring Young Man”

So it turns out that in order to communicate correctly with someone, you need not only to follow the rules given above, but also to do it frankly, with desire.

What usually gets in the way of communication?

We have already learned from the last paragraph that thoughts and feelings transmitted along with words to our interlocutor influence the reaction of his subconscious, as determined by our ability to communicate. What can prevent us from achieving pleasant communication with another person?

Elementary fear. One that we never overcame as children. I will give only its main varieties:

shyness;
fear of saying something stupid;
fear of being misunderstood;
fear of expressing your opinion;
low self-esteem.

If you don't agree, let's argue. For those who are not doing very well with communication, I can advise you to look at these reasons again and admit that some of them are clearly bothering you. There are many methods to combat these fears. But the main step to changing for the better is recognizing the cause.

There are three mistakes in human communication: the first is the desire to speak before you need to; the second is shyness, not speaking when necessary; the third is to speak without watching your listener.

Conclusion

Let's summarize all of the above.

Communication between people in modern society is a set of skills acquired in childhood and adolescence.
How to communicate with people correctly is described in the works of Dale Carnegie and comes down to six recommendations.
In communication higher value It is not the speech itself, but its emotional coloring.
Difficulties in expressing your thoughts are predetermined by preserved fears from childhood or adolescence.
Problems can only be dealt with after recognizing them.

I’ll add one more thing on my own behalf. Do not forget that psychotherapists exist to overcome ossified fears from childhood. And if your speech is poorly delivered, then read more fiction. And you will have good luck on your life's journey.

That's all for today. Let me take my leave and wish you a good mood.

Subscribe to new articles, share information with friends, leave comments. Goodbye.

Best wishes.

Sergei Bezdvorny

Why do we feel lightness and ease when communicating with some people, while talking with others we feel tension and discomfort, and after talking with others we just want to die of boredom?

Ask others what they experience from communicating with you? If you don't like the answers, our material will be especially useful!

We will tell you how to learn the art of conversation and avoid mistakes that get on your nerves in a conversation.

Remember that proper communication with people will bring you great benefits! And you need to start working on mistakes by identifying your shortcomings and shortcomings in the conversation.

Methods of dealing with them will depend only on what you want to achieve in the end. Understanding the purpose will help you develop your ability to communicate without feeling nauseous.

Unpleasant communication – what is it?

What achievements is a pleasant conversationalist capable of? The psychology of communication provides a comprehensive answer to this question.

Anyone who knows how to clearly and distinctly express thoughts and present convincing arguments is considered not only a good speaker, but also the soul of the party.

By building the right communication, you will open up many opportunities for yourself - achieving goals at work will become easier, your circle of friends will expand, and your list of acquaintances will be replenished with many new names.

Knowing how to communicate with the opposite sex, you will get rid of misunderstandings in your personal life. At a minimum, with a pleasant conversation you can make a good impression and charm the object of your sympathy, which is not bad.

Well, what can you say about someone who speaks incoherently, inconsistently or too rudely? Such a person makes no one want to listen to him.

It is especially important to control yourself and your speech when flirting. Especially for you, we asked our expert Olga Stern, sexologist and founder of online schools on the art of sexual mastery “Geisha” and “Alchemy of Pleasure,” to comment on this aspect of communication:

Flirting is a very important part of communicating with the opposite sex. This is a game, coquetry, an enhancer of the taste of life, something that can start a relationship or maintain the fire in them.

The most important thing in flirting is the mood: how you feel about yourself and how you feel about yourself. Techniques are a secondary factor; they will not work.

If, for example, deep down you consider yourself ugly, then no matter how erotically you bite your lip, it will not be perceived properly. Therefore, first of all, learn to love yourself.

But there are a few tricks that work great if you urgently need to get into the right state.

Repeating the usual phrase “I love you” several times, spoken into the eyes of your mirror image, works great.

These words can do wonders and light up your eyes without trying to find faults in yourself. Remember the “anchor” song, after which your inner flirtatious essence turns on - the main thing is to find such a composition and use it correctly.

And after the necessary sparkle appears in the eyes, you can speak more slowly in a lower voice, sometimes touch the man or yourself, play with intimate muscles to dilate the pupils and invite the man into the game in other ways.

He can present even correct and smart things in such a way that it sounds wild and does not find any support from his interlocutors.

To avoid becoming an “outsider” and improve the quality of your speech, follow a few simple rules:

In addition to the above, you should not lose sight of another important factor in communication: do not throw up.
Don't be too annoying, a repeating bore over and over again.

Psychology denotes such a thing as communication as an equivalent communicative interaction between people.

Simply put, all interlocutors should contribute equally to the conversation. If one, gesticulating wildly, describes his weekend adventures, problems with his boss...

He talks about his dog all the time, complains about regular migraines, not allowing the other person to get a word in - this communication cannot be called complete.

The art of communication presupposes the possibility of self-expression for all people equally, taking into account their abilities and characteristics of thinking.

Another sign of nauseating communication is constant whining and complaints. If someone talks about sad things all the time or looks for negativity everywhere, he infects his interlocutors with negative emotions.

Some call similar people energy vampires, others look with regret at their love for their problems and the need for pity from others.

They say about such people that they like to vomit. Take an outside look at your usual behavior around your loved ones.

If a few nauseating symptoms appear frequently in the way you speak, it's time to get rid of them.

Obsessive communication is your worst enemy

Obsession is worth considering separately. Erich Maria Remarque wrote: “We are so afraid of being intrusive that we seem indifferent.” It's worth thinking about these words.

Both intrusiveness and indifference are signs of improper communication. When a person behaves like a “sticky fish”, is too eager for the company of other people, they say about him that he makes him sick.

His interaction with people does not bring pleasure to anyone. People try to stay away from intrusive interlocutors, since they cause despondency, which gradually develops into irritation, anger and even aggression.

If you notice a habit of imposing on yourself, you need to get rid of it urgently, otherwise you will never be able to build proper communication.

So many little things and comments... How to communicate so that everyone is happy? First of all, the pleasure of the conversation should be mutual.

You need to show cordiality exactly as much as it is shown to you. Let this be your little secret of unobtrusiveness.

A few words about nonverbal signs

Oral speech is easier to track and control, but nonverbal communication remains a mystery for many, because only the interlocutor sees its signs.

For this reason, many people do not attach importance to their facial expressions, gestures, body position, etc. But with non-verbal signs you can increase the persuasiveness of your words or, on the contrary, nullify the entire effect of what was said.

Remember the series about the theory of lies, where the psychologist Dr. Lightman could accurately determine that a witness to a crime was hiding something only by his involuntary gesture of raising his fingers to his lips.

But we won’t “dig” that deep. Let’s just say that the interlocutor is put off by “closed” postures: arms crossed on the chest or hidden in pockets, an arrogantly raised chin, a lowered gaze or a gaze directed into the distance.

Let's reveal a little trick: to earn the trust of your interlocutor, take a “mirror image” pose.

If he folds his hands on the table, like a schoolboy at his desk, do the same, rest your chin on your palm, and you follow him. Just do it softly, otherwise the interlocutor will guess that your manipulations are intentional or will think that you are parodying him.

The ability to communicate also includes mastery of facial expressions. Emotions reflected on the face are not only normal, but also necessary.

By remaining dispassionate, you lose additional contact with the interlocutor. As a result, it will be more difficult for you to win him over and convince him of your beliefs.

Facial expressions help not only to better understand your interlocutor, but also to make him your ally in a conversation on a controversial topic - remember this.

As for laughter, it should be appropriate; you don’t need to use it to brighten up all the awkward moments. Too much can ruin a good impression of you.

It is possible to be familiar, hugging your interlocutors, or placing your hand on their shoulders or neck, but selectively. This style of behavior is acceptable in a friendly company over a glass of champagne, and not at work or with unfamiliar people.

Too much gesticulation, as well as its complete absence, are not the best extremes for a pleasant conversation. Effective communication involves a moderate combination of your speech, facial expressions and gestures as a whole. Consider it law.

Why you need to improve your communication skills

Before you ask yourself how to learn to communicate with people, you need to provide yourself with motivation.
A person who clearly understands the need for change will work hard to improve their communication skills.

Understand that thanks to the development of communication, it is possible to become anyone - the life of the party, a skilled speaker, or a person who knows how to convince everyone and everything.

Would Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Winston Churchill and Ronald Reagan have become outstanding politicians if they had not been able to speak persuasively?

Proper ways of communication are needed not only in politics, but in every area of life. A good manager, being eloquent, will easily convince clients to sign a lucrative contract.

The seller, through an effective dialogue with the buyer, can easily increase the average check amount. Love does not always begin at first sight; sometimes it comes after the first interesting conversation.

Therefore, in your personal life, communication secrets will be especially useful.

They will help you win the affection of the person you like and attract attention. The ability to communicate is useful and multifaceted; its importance is difficult to overestimate.

Becoming an interesting conversationalist who is listened to with pleasure and correctly understood by others is the dream of many. But some only dream while others act.

Start by reading good educational literature. Experts in their field will help you understand how to communicate with people.

A good example would be “The Power of Charm. How to Win Hearts and Succeed" by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden. The book teaches friendliness and goodwill in communication.

There are no deep tips or complex techniques that you will have to work on for a long time. Tracy and Arden do a great job of explaining the value of having a positive attitude when talking.

The book “Psychology of Influence” by Robert Cialdini was published in America 5 times. This fact alone speaks of its value and practical benefits.

It focuses not on business, but on personal communication, but the advice and recommendations apply to all areas of life.

To become a truly good conversationalist, you will need some practice. Try telling something to yourself in front of the mirror, start a dialogue with yourself.

You can record your story on a voice recorder and then listen to the recording. Such manipulations will help you notice the shortcomings of your speech, pointing out places that require additional elaboration.

Listening is no less important than speaking. If you are not attentive to your interlocutor, his answers will become superficial and lack of initiative.

Nobody likes communicating with people who don’t listen to their interlocutor at all. This rule applies unconditionally, this is our psychology.

Don't forget to shine with your wit! Jokes, irony, and timely use of quotes are clear signs of an interesting interlocutor.

Communication with people requires a variety of surprises, do not be afraid to surprise, but also do not forget to adhere to the boundaries of what is acceptable.

The ability to communicate requires moderation and an intuitive understanding of the appropriateness of any phrase. If you constantly make fun of or sneer at those around you, then soon there will be no interlocutors who are friendly to you.

Making fun of yourself is a good move, but a sense of proportion is also important in self-irony. Otherwise, you risk turning into a buffoon.

Every day, those whom others consider unsociable or call boring actually really want to be heard and understood.

Shyness manifests itself in different ways. Some people cannot squeeze a word out of themselves, while others, on the contrary, say everything in a row, as long as no one reveals their fear and excitement.

Effective communication is about relaxedness and freedom of expression. There is no shame in admitting your embarrassment; your interlocutor will probably treat it with understanding.

Honesty is much more important than hiding and trying to feign confidence. It’s better to simply say “I’m shy” than to tremble and cause self-pity due to lack of confidence in communication.

Fighting with yourself is not easy. By setting a goal and working out a strategy, you can become an ace in the question of how to communicate with people.

Under no circumstances should the dispute result in a quarrel. You consider different points of view rather than trying to humiliate your opponent. Don't change the purpose of your conversation.

The ability to communicate means that both you and your interlocutor will be satisfied with the conversation. If you detect signs of impatience, irritation, or boredom in the person you're talking to, try changing the subject or ending the conversation.

How to communicate with people and not feel sick or irritate them, but rather evoke sympathy and understanding? Gather your strength, analyze yourself and your shortcomings, develop a strategy for developing communication skills.

No one is endowed with the innate ability to communicate effectively; much more often, the reputation of a good interlocutor becomes the result of persistent and painstaking self-improvement.

If success does not come on the first try, do not let this frighten you, but inspire you to further positive changes.

Soon you will definitely notice positive changes in those around you in relation to you and everything you say.

Last update: 01/07/2020

Communication skill. Sounds interesting. The rumor clings to something incomprehensible. Is learning effective communication the same as learning mathematics, physics, medicine, law, etc.? Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that any learning is a person’s transition to a more ideal state than before. No, in the sense that such a subject is not taught at school and university. And there's a reason for that.

It is believed that this skill is trained “by itself” and a good environment is enough to master it. This is partly true. But besides the environment in childhood and adolescence 2 more factors influence: genetics and conscious work on this skill in adulthood. Genetics cannot be changed (yet), but working on a skill is useful. But what exactly needs to be worked on? Vladimir Tarasov answered this question in the webinar “How to develop communication skills and become interesting to others,” which took place on February 12, 2019 as part of the presentation. Below I present my lecture notes.

We see that the communication process is curtailed very much. People talk to each other less and less. If you used to be amazed by situations when a young couple was sitting in a cafe and both were staring at their phones (it was like a symbol of a new era), now this is so common that it no longer surprises anyone. That is, people gradually forget how to communicate. But if you can’t stop this trend for everyone, then for people who have their heads on their shoulders, for them it can be slowed down. This is why we chose this webinar topic. If a person does not think correctly, then he cannot speak correctly. Today, lengthy discussions do not fit into the pace of time and... Therefore, in order to speak well, you need to think well.

What determines the quality of communication?

The quality of communication with others depends on the following skills:

listening, hearing and microhearing;
establishing a trust distance;
clarification ;
finding common interests;
stories about useful incidents or about yourself;
reporting emotionally memorable events;
the use of irony and humor;
maintaining the correct information tempo;
the ability to hold back;
save the face of the interlocutor;
package the conversation and its result.

There are types of art where if there is no skill, then nothing will work (for example, physical wrestling). The joyful point is that in the art of communication, even if these skills have not been acquired, the very moment when a person remembers that “this is the way to do it” will already help.

What is the most important thing in communication?

The main thing in communication is to talk less and listen more. There is nothing new in this. Even in ancient times they said - keep your ears open and your mouth closed.
It is very important to keep the conversation interesting. A conversation where one person tells what he knows, and then the other tells what he knows (such alternating monologues) is not a real conversation. Real conversation occurs when a new subtopic emerges from what the other person answered. Then the conversation has unlimited food for itself. And here microhearing plays a big role, which will be discussed later.
It is important to not be withdrawn, but not intrusive either. It is very correct when you talk no longer than the interlocutor wants. You need to say a little less than he wants to hear from you. In addition, any conversation either brings closer or furthers the distance between people. She hesitates within the conversation. And it is very important not to press the distance, not to close the distance when the interlocutor does not want it. In other words, the interlocutor should want to talk to you a little more than you want to talk to him. This is the correct position. Of course, if two masters meet, then it is impossible for there to be such a gap, only in this case the conversation will be completely equal.
The speaker is the seller, the listener is the buyer. How does the dialogue take place? The seller sold something (said something). Does this mean that the buyer bought what he said? Does not mean. He turned this product over in his hands and can put it back in place. It seems like I heard it, but didn’t take it into account. He may ask a question, ask questions, ask questions, and then NOT buy the product. This is always a big disappointment for the seller - when he explained, told, proved, but his product was never bought. But this means that when the seller sold the goods, he did not feel the buyer. I didn’t feel that he had already made an internal decision - not to buy - and titanic efforts were needed for him to buy. Just as in a market economy the buyer is slightly higher in rank than the seller, so in communication, the listener is slightly higher in rank than the speaker. It also happens the other way around, but in general the situation is exactly like this. For example, there is now a typical picture when an elderly man is talking to a girl (or sitting in a cafe, or walking somewhere on the street) and he talks and talks - it’s clear that he is selling a product. And I feel a little sorry for him, since it’s clear that the girl is looking somewhere with a detached look, she seems to be listening, but it’s clear that she’s not really buying the product. Here is such a scene, it always hurts the eye, because a person tries, but he does not understand the other person.

What role do you most often play in a conversation?

Poll Options are limited because JavaScript is disabled in your browser.

Depends on the interlocutor 26%, 38 votes

I speak and listen equally 10%, 14 votes

07.01.2020

Listening technology

The technique of listening is to really listen and look like a person who is listening to another. Look like you are listening not only for the one who is speaking, but also for other people - otherwise you reduce the rank and image of the speaker. In this technology, you need to remember the following rules.

When listening, you should look at the speaker at least 20% and no more than 80% of the time. Why such percentages? Well, here I believe psychologists. It seems like they did a study and came up with the following theses:
- if the speaker is not interested in the listener, then the listener looks at him less than 20%;
- if the listener is only interested in the personality of the speaker, but not the content of his speech, then the listener looks at him more than 80%. Therefore, within this framework of 20-80 you need to try to keep your attention.
You need to think about the words of your interlocutor. After all, his information is unevenly distributed - some things are more important, others less important. Therefore, if it is clear that for the speaker a certain thesis is something serious, then you need to really think about this thought. And it should be clear that you really thought about it - this is respect for your interlocutor. When a person doesn’t think, it makes a bad impression. Before, when I started consulting, I often answered the question right away. If they ask me something, I answer right away. And then I realized that this was not right. In what sense is it wrong? First, I need to think - maybe I’ll come up with something better. But that's not all. And if I thought, then the person understands that I thought about what he said, and not that I pulled ready-made recipes out of my pocket. Therefore, it is important to think about the words of your interlocutor. Sometimes, even if both are silent, this is not at all bad for conversation.
You need to support the speaker with your facial expressions. It is very important. I often gave interviews and remembered one journalist. She differed from other journalists in that she did not interrupt at all when I spoke. Only with facial expressions - she supported, was surprised, asked again. Such a dialogue, when one speaks and the other supports with facial expressions, I believe that this is a high class of journalism.
There is no need to interrupt the speaker until there is a pause.
Further speaking should be encouraged with interested anticipation. For example, a person paused, and you feel that he still has something to say - don’t rush to speak, take this pause. This is all you need to do to be a good listener. Why is it so important to be a good listener? The fact is that a good listener is much rarer than a good speaker. A good listener is someone who is interested in the speaker. A good listener will make any non-talker talk and will extract interesting stories from anyone, because he draws food from the conversation itself. It is a higher art to listen well.

Hearing technology

You need to hear everything that is said. This means simply physically hearing. To do this, you must first of all not be distracted. A person is mainly distracted by some kind of visual temptation and distracted by his thoughts. Moreover, he is distracted by his thoughts in different ways. Sometimes it’s simply because the person is talking rather boringly and you don’t want to waste time. But sometimes it’s the other way around - he says something so important that you immediately have your own thought, you want to think about it further and you get distracted, you don’t hear what the person said next. In this case, it is important for the one who is speaking to feel it and give the person a pause to think about some words.
You need to understand what is being said. Not only to hear in the sense that you can repeat what was said, but also to understand what is being said. And this is more difficult - you have to strain, sometimes ask again. You have to pack everything that was said into your head. When you listen, there must also be a parallel process of memorization. Normal person remembers well the essence of what was said if he was able to pack it in his head - compactly, briefly, the most important thing, and all this while listening. Therefore, during pauses, you need to compactly retell what you heard, and sometimes even specifically stop the speaker, retell the essence of what was said and get confirmation that you understood everything correctly.

Micro-hearing technology

Micro-hearing technology means that you need to notice hesitations, pauses, voice changes, sighs, slips of the tongue, changes in facial expressions, posture, and sometimes emphasize such little things.

Sometimes you need to ask about identified accents. For example, “why are you so animated when you tell this?” This has twofold benefits. Firstly, the person understands that he was listened to carefully. Secondly, this may push him to some new story - very interesting, and sometimes simply important, from what he did not dare to tell you.
Observe a change in nonverbal behavior - not only facial expressions, but also posture. You need to interpret this for yourself, and sometimes out loud. That is, you need to report your feelings on the behavior of your interlocutor.
Making assumptions about the unsaid.“Perhaps this is because?” It will be easier for you to remember if you expressed a version, but it turned out to be wrong.
You need to consider what is said that is confidential. For yourself, you know what is better to remain a secret. But what is confidential for the interlocutor? Sometimes it’s better to even ask the speaker about it.
It is important to make sure that your retelling is better than the story of your interlocutor and that he liked it. When, after the retelling, he said: “Well, yes, actually, that’s how it is,” you need to stop him after these words. The ability to retell is especially important for those who engage in management consulting. A person cannot be a consultant if he cannot retell a story about some events or problems better than he was told. He may not tell you in so much detail, but his story should make the main point clearer.

Establishing a confidence distance

It is necessary to establish a trust distance. To do this, you need to correctly build role relationships. Each of us plays many roles in relation to the other. You can be a neighbor, a friend, a bowler, and a creditor. And to establish a trusting distance, you need to choose those roles where the distance between you and the person is closest for conversation. And from there you can continue to act more easily. In addition, there are many roles in the conversation itself - speaker and listener, doubter and prover, etc. And you need to move through the conversation so that the distance becomes closer and closer and becomes as close as it is comfortable for both parties.
Repeat the name of the interlocutor often, but do not overdo it.
Know how to hold back. If we keep our distance well and don’t say something, this motivates the interlocutor to ask questions and close the distance.
The easiest way to bring the distance closer is to talk about childhood. Tell your own stories, ask others’ questions. Why does childhood bring us closer together? Because people are a little afraid of each other, even close people - this is normal, there is always a fear of making some mistake, of being hurt somewhere, of being misunderstood. Therefore, if a person is questioned about current events, he is not sure that he did the right thing and he is responsible for his words and deeds. But he is not responsible for his childhood, and therefore fearlessly talks about his childhood. And this lack of fear of communication, after talking about childhood, may continue.

Stories about yourself

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to maintain a balance between stories about successes and failures. When a person talks only about successes, he looks like a braggart. When he only talks about failures, he looks like a loser. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but there should be some kind of balance. It is especially valuable when he talks about some embarrassments that are typical for many people. This way you show what conclusions you have drawn from them, and these conclusions can be useful to many people. The same thing, as a manager, I advise using mistakes made as material for training subordinates. It is also necessary to provide side information in the conversation. useful information, which a person can remember and will come in handy in life. This is especially important in sales. So, the seller may not sell the product, but he can tell some things that a person will remember, retell to others, and this story will be useful for others.

Questioning and interrogation technology

What is the difference between questioning and interrogation? First difference. Questioning is when a person asks the following questions based on what has been said. During interrogations, questions are asked that are in no way related to previous answers. Second difference. The interrogator wants to be told everything, but he himself is not ready to tell anything. He says in his tone, “I won’t tell you why I’m asking this.” Therefore, interrogations should be avoided unless there is a reason for them. And even out of curiosity, still not interrogate, but question. That is, there must be a justified motivation in the questions and the questions must be related to the answers to other questions.
Sometimes you need to use unfinished questions that give you the right to ignore them. For example, when we are not sure how tactfully it will be to ask this or that, we ask the question in an understated way, we outline the question, giving the person the right to ignore and move on.
Questions must be asked with information included. That is, in addition to the question, there is a story, some other important information that clarifies it.
We need to move smoothly to more risky and confidential issues. If the person answering the questions is not uncomfortable, we can get much closer. But it's important to remember. If we asked some risky questions and a person answered them, then he sometimes needs to explain to us why he answered those questions that did not need to be answered (or he did not have the right to answer). Therefore, it is very important to give him the opportunity to justify himself in our eyes and in his own, after such answers.
Sometimes we need to ask questions that demonstrate our incompetence. Such questions raise the status of the speaker. In addition, this is useful for us, and the speaker is pleased that he has made us more competent.
Sometimes you need to ask questions to help the speaker tell everything in detail. Often a person is going to tell us something in general, he has no plan to tell us in detail, but if we show with our questions that we have the time and interest to hear the details, then he will be happy to tell them.
There are 2 types of retelling. The first is like a police report. Only facts, without any lyrics, without any “in my opinion”, “it seemed to me”, etc. Second - how piece of art. That's two different types retelling. Ideally, you should own both.
When we talk about ourselves, it is important to remember Oscar Wilde's quote - “The secret of being boring is to tell everything about yourself.”
When you are telling something for a long time, there is no need to ask your interlocutor “Are you interested in what I am telling you?” Who's to say it's not interesting? This question makes sense at the beginning of a conversation, but not in the middle. To really find out if a person is interested, evaluate his behavior. If he starts looking at you less, it means he is losing interest in the story.
It is important to understand that everything you tell can be retold to a third party, and you don’t know who exactly. Or it can be used against you by the same listener when you quarrel with him. This is a very important circumstance. There is no need to succumb to the charm of the moment, so as not to regret it later.

Humor and irony

You should use irony and humor whenever possible. You have to learn this, of course. To learn to joke, you need to make friends with jokers. But, there is an important principle of using humor - men often laugh AT someone, and women TOGETHER with someone. So, for humor to improve relationships, you need to laugh with someone, and not at someone.

Humor can be tested on neutral topics. A good way to use humor is to slightly change what a person says in a funnier way. In general, humor should be used, but it should be used carefully, as it is a double-edged sword.

Now, when we talk to a person, it is very important to maintain the information rhythm. The fact is that when we speak, we change. If we don't change it, he gets bored. If, on the contrary, we change very intensively - one new thing, then another, a third - then he does not have time to somehow arrange these components in his main picture of the world, and he also becomes bored. Here you need to know when to stop. It is necessary that the picture of the world changes with such a rhythm - something new is said, the interlocutor processes it, and again something new. At the same time, you must remember that when you talk to a mass of people, they need more time to process information, since the reaction speed of people in large numbers is dulled.

Sometimes you need to use short remarks instead of a long story. They give a person more time to think. When talking, you need to remember a simple thing - you can’t be right too many times. One tells what country he was in, another brings up a cooler country, one says that he bought a bag for $500, another immediately beats it with a purchase for $2000. So, you don’t have to constantly interrupt the other with your superiority - either in being right, or in money, or in connections, or in something else. It's annoying.

Also, you need to remember that there is information fatigue. It is important to take breaks, coffee breaks, rest or switch to abstract topics.

Technology and types of non-negotiation

Non-speaking can be like a protest against interruption. Very good way. You are sitting in a group, talking, you started to say something and were interrupted. You start your own - they interrupt again. In this case, you don’t need to interrupt yourself. It’s better to wait to see if someone asks you to continue your words. If no one asks, then it means no one is interested. If someone asks, you continue.
Non-disclosure also happens when everything is already clear.
Non-speaking is like a listening test - without finishing one story, you move on to another to evaluate the listener’s reaction.
Non-statement as a test for the acceptability of a topic.
Axiomatic omission - you do not say anything and do not draw any conclusions, and the listener himself makes the conclusion.
Intriguing omission - not saying enough to intrigue.

Ending a conversation

At the end of the conversation, you need to wrap it up - retell what we talked about with the person. Sometimes you hide dangerous places by deliberately not mentioning them when retelling. We need to think about what can be understood in two ways and intend to clarify the correct wording. Also, in the finale, you need to record the pleasantness of the conversation.

Answers to listener questions

How to have a constructive argument with a person who is not ready to perceive someone else’s point of view and becomes aggressive, begins to “attack”, gets personal, etc.?

You need to try to find the weakest statement in his position and start discussing exactly that. Discuss not the most important thing, but some minor thing that he said and begin to dispute it. Because if it is poorly protected, this secondary thing, then it will be difficult for him to go against all logic and a constructive conversation will begin. Or another option is to simply take, repeat his position and ask for confirmation that his position is exactly as we voiced, that it is his personal choice and he is ready to bear responsibility for it. Sometimes people are afraid to take responsibility and the conversation can turn into a constructive direction.

How to competently conduct a dialogue with a person who hears only himself? He is interested in talking and telling only about himself.

That's great. Color him about him, pushing him with your questions in the direction that interests you. In addition, if you move in a direction that is interesting to him, it will probably be interesting to you too.

How to correctly end a conversation that is not interesting?

Can different ways. If this is a business conversation that is not interesting, then you can say this: “I need to think about your words. You have told me so many important things that I need to think about them.” And thus stop the conversation. Another case is when you need to stop small talk. You can say, “Wait a second, I need to call,” and then leave and won’t come back. This is the most reliable way. In general, to stop a conversation, you need to physically move away from him, under any pretext, more or less decent.

Techniques and techniques to speak without fear. How to express your point of view in a timely manner?

We must separate fear and expression. That is, first express an opinion, and then confirm that this is your personal point of view.

How to neutralize a deliberately aggressive opponent?

We need to talk about his feelings. He probably says why he is aggressive. If he doesn’t say anything, then you need to ask “what upset you” and sympathize with the circumstances that led him to such aggression. It is imperative to give him the opportunity to show the reason for his aggression.

What do you do when they don't hear you?

In this case, it is better to convey the information in writing. This is the most reliable. They can't hear you, but you can write. Making someone listen to the end is difficult, but a person usually reads a written message to the end. Another interesting option is to express information to another person who is nearby during the dialogue.

How do you know how interesting you are to others?

You will quickly find out how interesting you are to others if you don't communicate with them.

How can you develop a communication skill (or help develop it) if by character, by psychotype, a person is not sociable, an introvert. He can communicate, but does it with great reluctance?

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink. And if you need to learn to communicate yourself, then you just need to communicate. For example, if you go to a store to buy something, set yourself the task of asking a question not only about the product, but also about other topics. When you get into the habit of asking for something extra and overcoming your shyness, you will gradually develop a habit of doing it. Why? Because people on the other side also want to talk, they feel good when they ask, it’s interesting to be useful to a client, a buyer.

How can a manager be an interesting conversationalist for his subordinates? This refers to corporate events and meetings.

What path do managers generally take to be interesting? They tell you things that others don't know. This is a standard leader. So, at a corporate party, he needs to say something and he talks about a fragment that he had not talked about before, and those who are present at the meeting receive additional information. This is a primitive way. Less primitive is to ask questions. Such questions that subordinates are interested in answering. Then he will be an interesting conversationalist. An interesting conversationalist is someone who listens and asks interesting questions.

What to do if children or subordinates at work do not want to develop? What techniques can be used to encourage people to be interesting? Please name the main “role models”.

If a person does not want to develop, the best thing is to set him a task that is difficult for him now, because he has not developed, and encourage him to solve it, help him, and he will develop. The child must be forced, the adult must be encouraged. People don't want to learn because their tasks don't require this knowledge. A person does something for something. A person must understand why he needs it. Don’t believe that “you need this,” but understand that with these skills I can cope with the task, but without them I can’t cope. A person must have an internal need for a specific task, and not for development in general. This is the other extreme, when people want to develop in general. They go to all sorts of courses, but do nothing based on this. If a person has developed, then he can do something that he has not done before.