The husband decided to leave the family, what to do. My husband left for someone else: how to survive. Subjective reasons preventing divorce

Valeria Protasova

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As it is sung in one song, known to many: “The most important thing is the weather in the house...”, and this weather is created by a woman. The atmosphere of the house depends on her wisdom and cunning. And, if the husband left the family, then the woman herself is partly to blame. To prevent the head of the family from leaving the family, analyze your relationships in advance and do “work on mistakes” - maybe it’s not too late to save the marriage and peace in the family.

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After listening to many stories of husbands who left the family, we can identify 8 main reasons for this action:

1. Loss of interest in a woman
   After several years life together passion fades away, work and everyday life are sucked in. Family life becomes like Groundhog Day. We need to bring in something new, bright, causing a surge of positive emotions. For example, arrange a romantic dinner, buy tickets to a match of your husband’s favorite team, etc. Read also:
2. Lack of sexual relations
   For men, sex is almost the top step in family relationships. A sexually satisfied man will never look to the left and will fulfill almost every whim of his wife. But sex life should be varied. Sex on a schedule is also not an option.
   As one man says: “A woman sees the manifestation of love in the material values ​​​​given to her, and a man sees it in the form of affection and love. I want to be loved. I want my wife to see me as a man, then sexual desire will always be there.” Read also:
3. Material difficulties
   All men, sooner or later, face problems of a material nature: loss of a job, low salary, etc. And if the wife, at this difficult moment, instead of supporting him morally, encouraging him, saying that everything will work out, begins to “nag” her husband, then a quarrel is inevitable. As a result, the husband “gives up” on doing anything at all, the wife with redoubled force throws out her dissatisfaction on her husband and that’s it – the marriage is over. A wise wife, on the contrary, with the help of affection, warm words, and support will make sure that her husband has new ideas, new horizons and a higher level of income.
4. Differences in Characters
   Different views on life, disrespect for each other, inability to restrain one’s emotions, unwillingness to give in, quarrels on everyday grounds (did not put the cup in its place, scattered socks, slurps at the table). Such seemingly trifles can serve as a reason for a grandiose and everyday scandal. And even the most loving husband Over time, he will get tired of constant scandals, quarrels and reproaches. Why not sit down and peacefully discuss what everyone is not happy with about each other. Do not hush up problems, but discuss them and come to a compromise. A woman needs to try to make her husband happy to return home, so that he is drawn not to friends, but to his family - this is the key to a strong marriage.
5. Woman's appearance
   Some women in marriage stop taking care of themselves. They think I got married - now he won’t get away from me. A plump figure, gray hair, lack of makeup - this is unlikely to attract your husband to you. Remember how beautiful you were before marriage. Pull yourself together and get yourself in order. A husband will never leave a well-groomed, blooming woman who can make compromises and loves her husband.
6. Family values
   A married woman should be able to find mutual language with my husband's relatives. If your mother-in-law is on your side and becomes your ally, then you will already have 20% success in your married life. And if your relationship with your husband is already “hanging on by a thread,” and his mother is also “adding fuel to the fire,” then that’s it – the marriage is over. Learn to get along with your husband’s mother and his other relatives (brothers, sisters), then even if you have family disagreements, they will strive to reconcile you.
7. Male leader
   Do not forget that at his core a man is a leader. If the wife does not want to make a concession to her husband on anything and constantly insists on her own, then the husband will either turn into a “rag” or simply a man will want to leave the family. Let him feel that he is a man, he is a winner, he is the head of the family. Do not forget that in a family the man is the head, and the woman is the neck, and where the neck turns, the head will rush there.
8. Treason
   This is almost the very last reason on the main list. According to statistics, only 10% of married couples break up due to this reason. Although, if you look at the essence of the problem, betrayal does not just happen out of the blue; it is the result of dissatisfaction of one of the partners in family life.

Abandoned women often wonder why do men leave their families . Here is the story of one of them. From her story it is clear what mistakes she made and, perhaps, after analyzing the situation, she will still be able to regain her husband and father to her children.

Olga: My husband found someone else. He's been walking with her for two months now. He is going to rent an apartment with her and said that he is filing for divorce. He says that his mistress has nothing to do with it, that he was going to leave the family two years ago. I admit that I am guilty of many things: I sawed often, there was no harmony in sex. He doesn’t even want to go out with me – he’s ashamed. After giving birth, I gained a lot of weight and, with three children, I completely neglected myself and turned into a wimp. And he can afford to drink beer after work, sleep peacefully at night - he has to go to work! And I run half the night to a small child - I’m sitting at home! So, girls, appreciate what you have...

Getting married, still “on the shore” Discuss all fundamental issues with your future husband , what you can put up with and what you will never put up with.

And if we have already created a family out of love, then manage to maintain this relationship , adding warmth, trust and care to them.

What reasons do you know for a man leaving his family? We will be grateful for your opinion!

Valeria Protasova

Psychologist with more than three years of practical experience in social psychology and pedagogy. Psychology is my life, my work, my hobby and way of life. I write what I know about. I believe that human relationships are important in all areas of our lives.

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My husband left, and the wife wants to save the family. Lately one of the most common problems“The husband has left” in families, and wives usually want to bring their husband back to the family. But, before we talk about husbands who strive to leave the family, let's agree on the terms used by family psychologists.

What is divorce? Contrary to people’s everyday beliefs, divorce is not at all synonymous with the words “separation”, “separated” or “separated”. There is a huge semantic gap between the words “separated” and “divorced”. Divorce is the termination of a marriage union officially recognized by the state between a man and a woman. But what “breaks up” are men and women who simply maintained intimate or love relationship. Those men and women who lived together within the framework of so-called “civil relations” or are married, but a serious conflict develops between them, “separate” or “separate.” Accordingly, until the spouses have completed the formal divorce procedure, until the registry office or the magistrate’s court decide to issue them a document called “Divorce Certificate,” even if they actually separated or separated, it is more correct to use the concept: “a married couple in a pre-divorce situation.” Indeed, from the point of view of society and the state, no matter how many times a man and a woman who have officially created a marriage come together and separate, separate and return back to each other, move in together or leave each other, until a corresponding legal decision to terminate their marriage comes to light, they are still officially husband and wife. With all the full set of family and paternal-maternal rights and responsibilities that are provided for by the laws of the Russian Federation.

And again, no matter how many times a man and a woman come together and separate, separate and return to each other, move in and out, no matter how much they love or hate each other, until a document called “Marriage Certificate” sees the light of day “, from the point of view of society and the state, their relationship will be nothing more than an expression of some human emotions, air and wind, simply put - nothing clearly defined. Even if children were born from this relationship. In this case, psychologists and the state proceed from the fact that between various types relations there are fundamental differences. Love, friendship or intimate relationships are built on such a shaky structure as positive feelings. The emotions they generate can be different: interest, sympathy, love, trust, respect, sexual attraction, feeling of Happiness, etc. However, all these feelings are united by the fact that a person practically does not control them, rather the opposite: they themselves control a person. Accordingly, after the effect of one or another feeling ends, the person himself is practically unable to artificially provoke its return. Therefore, living and communicating with that representative of the opposite sex, in relation to whom suddenly or gradually, feelings of love and sexual desire, most people are simply not physically able. And the majority of men and women do not want to force themselves to live with someone for whom they no longer have feelings.

We don't like to live with those we don't love.

This is especially true for men. In the practice of life, women can often live with someone who disgusts them, for the sake of a child born from this union, or simply because they have nowhere else to go and have financial dependence on a man. But it’s still extremely uncomfortable and rarely lasts a lifetime...

However, it is not for nothing that people belong to the genus “homo sapiens” - “reasonable man”. Even in ancient times, they realized that feelings and emotions, even the lightest ones, are not at all the foundation on which one can build something long-term, stable and predictable, not something that guarantees stable conditions for the birth and raising of children. Therefore, our smart ancestors once came up with family and marriage, that is, this form of relationship between a man and a woman, when these relationships are contractual, long-term, impose on partners clearly understood rights and obligations, and provide for certain sanctions for those who violate this agreement . The invisible core of a marriage contract is an unspoken, but implied guarantee that those creating this family a man and a woman undertake the obligation to live together not for a day or two, but for decades, to run a joint household, maintain intimate relationships, take care of each other and the children of the couple all their lives, that is, even when their love and sexual attraction will go away. The family and the marriage ritual that records the moment of its creation is nothing more than an attempt by society to build such sexual, parental and material-economic relations between a man and a woman that can be viable even when the bio-social program of love that created these relations ends. Family is like a fundamental statement: “We love each other, we are going to love each other for the rest of our lives! But even if the love ends, we will still live together, take care of each other and raise our children!”

Family is life together not only in love, but also after love,

for the sake of those who are born in this love, for the sake of hope

to resurrect faded love in the future.

A family is a kind of analogue of a letter of guarantee or even a will: “If something happens to me or my feelings, certain obligations to my closest people will still be fulfilled.” Although there is a certain nuance here. As you know, it is customary to write wills while being of sound mind and sound memory. To do this, the notary, by asking certain questions, makes sure that the person is truly capable, fully sane and adequate, and clearly understands the legal and other consequences of the actions taken. When the registrar at the registry office asks the bride and groom how conscious and free their choice is, the registrar and the majority of those present at the ceremony clearly understand that those who cheerfully answer “Yes!” people are actually far from being fully adequate. Simply put, the bride and groom may not understand all the legal and other consequences of their move. And even more so, don’t think at all about the topic: “What will happen if?” Because, firstly, they are euphoric from love and sex, and secondly, they simply have not yet experienced everything that awaits them in the future. Hence their desperate courage, for which their children may later pay.

Let me return to the essence of what was said: love, friendship or intimate relationships between a man and a woman are communication built on feelings and emotions. Rationalism, pragmatism, practicality and healthy cynicism may also be present there. However, they are not required there. Family relationships are adding a fly in the ointment to the ointment of love euphoria: forcing a man and a woman to strain their will, to assume specific work, economic, parental and even intimate obligations, often quite burdensome. As you know, obligations and responsibility are unpleasant things. Especially for men who, unlike women, who more or less understand what the everyday hardships of family life and the process of raising children are, have little understanding of what exactly awaits them beyond the threshold of the registry office. That is why men, by hook or by crook, are delaying the inevitable - the moment of inviting his already nervous lady of his heart to the place where he will be forced to publicly promise to be with her throughout his life.

Now let's consolidate what has been said. From the point of view of family psychology, a real “divorce”- This is a legal procedure for ending a marriage relationship in a certain couple. Accordingly, all sorts of “separations”, “going back to my parents”, “separating for a week or two to think about the fate of our family and whether I need all this” can in fact be directly related to a real divorce, and may have nothing to do with it at all. They quarreled, and then they settled and made peace. There was separation and going back and forth, but there was no divorce.

It may be different: there is a divorce, but the separation and separation of the spouses never happened. And they live together for many years, no longer as husband and wife, but as man and woman. Moreover, they can give birth to children, only now legally outside of marriage. Although, of course, with fully formalized paternity and maternity. Of course, such formally divorced couples may still separate and go their separate ways. Or maybe not. They may even get married again and register their relationship through the registry office. And even then get divorced again. Such couples are not at all uncommon in the practice of a family psychologist.

I am writing this now only so that you understand: a wife’s leaving her husband or not is not at all a guarantee of an upcoming formal divorce, and often is not even a step in this direction. It also happens that only the departure of one of the spouses or even a statement of desire for divorce filed in court can become the turning point when the other half can still take seriously the claims made against her and improve something in her behavior. After which the application for divorce will be withdrawn, and the married couple can live better than before. It is important to understand:

The departure of a husband/wife and subsequent return,

sometimes - saving the family from that possible divorce,

if the husband/wife filed for divorce without leaving the family.

If only because as a result of these events, an intelligent wife or husband can not only clearly understand the causes of the family tension that has arisen, but also eliminate them not temporarily, but rather forever. Of course, this thesis of a family psychologist may not yet be clear to an unprepared reader. Just as your rebellious “half”, who up and left you, may not understand this either. He/she may be convinced/that this departure is final and irrevocable and even excludes the possibility of reconciliation. But there is no need to treat someone who left the family too strictly - from a storm of emotions (resentment towards you or falling in love with someone else), this person again, as once before the registry office, may not be in an adequate state.

This is where the hard part begins. In the event of your half’s unexpected departure from the family, it will be you who will have to be completely adequate! Because if you fall into an inadequate state, you can be sure: the sum of the behavior of two inadequate spouses at once will most definitely lead to the complete collapse of the family. So, with all the strong desire to fall into despair or extreme irritability, the spouse who remains at the family hearth should behave as carefully as possible. Be reasonable squared: as they say, “for yourself and that guy.”

From here, from this place, we begin to talk more details about everything. So, once you decided to become husband and wife. That is, they expressed a strong desire to be together not for a year or two, not for ten years, but for a lifetime! The change in your civil status was recorded in the registry office, about which you were issued a special document. But then, for some reason, your husband decided to stop being your husband. And there’s one big problem with all this: unlike your rebellious “half,” you don’t want to lose your marital status! What dictates this is not so important yet - whether you have children together, your age, financial dependence on your husband, your lack of your own home, or your remaining strong feeling of love for your spouse. The important thing is that you stubbornly do not want a divorce. Therefore, you refuse to sign the divorce petition and enter into a serious struggle.

Divorce- This is a battle for life. It’s like a local war in a single living space, here and now. It has long been known: no matter how much you mentally prepare for war, it will still happen unexpectedly. It will always be short of ammunition and people, and dying is very scary. It’s the same with family divorces: no matter how much a person thinks about the prospect of divorce, when a family partner announces this, it always sounds unexpected, and the future is very scary.

T Now imagine that we are playing a role-playing game of “family psychologist.” It's as if you come to my appointment and say something like:

• “My husband, whom I have long suspected of cheating on me, told me yesterday that he was leaving me and that the next day he would be filing for divorce. We have been married for a certain number of years, we live in my husband’s apartment, he earns more than me, we have a three (five, ten, etc.) year old child. He needs dad. And I don’t want to lose my husband... What should I do???
• — My husband went on vacation abroad alone six months ago, after which intimacy practically disappeared in our family, and he began to often go on business trips. A month ago he began to tell me that we were tired of each other, we should live separately. To which I stubbornly did not agree. But yesterday in his phone I read an intimate correspondence with some lady. When I told my husband about this, he was furious. He said that it was me who was meddling where I shouldn’t, and that I myself was to blame for the fact that our family would fall apart. He demanded that I move out of his apartment somewhere, and in the meantime he would think whether it was time for us to get a divorce or not... We have been married for 12 years, we have two children. They love me... How to move on???

After this, you tensely expect that the psychologist will either wave with a magic wand and your husband will immediately write you an SMS with sorrowful repentance and a promise to never do this again, or the specialist will start asking long and corrosive questions about your childhood and first teenage fantasies. Maybe I will greatly upset someone, but this is not the way the author works. Because most psychologists do not observe any signs of magic in the surrounding reality. I will say more: the so-called magicians, palmists and psychics themselves regularly come for consultations with family psychologists with family and personal troubles. I’m also not interested in anyone’s childhood and teenage fantasies. But as dedicated practitioners, family psychologists are well aware of the following:

• — Only one out of ten conversations about divorce actually ends with the filing of an application with a request to dissolve the marriage to the registry office (if there are no children in the marriage) or to the magistrate's court (if there are children).
• — Only one out of five married couples who file for divorce actually get divorced the first time they go through this procedure.
• - Only a third of the spouses who filed an application for a desire to dissolve their marriage live separately during this period of time. The rest continue to live together for some time, or even their whole lives (!). Often even after a divorce.
• — Every third of those married couples who have legally dissolved their marriage subsequently tries to somehow restore good human relationships, very often intimate ones. Often, even though one of the partners has registered a marriage with a completely different person.
• — Every fifth of those married couples who have legally dissolved their marriage later tries to move in together, have another child, and sometimes register the marriage again.
• — Almost all husbands and wives, being in divorce proceedings, sincerely worry about the psyche of their children and feel guilty for what happened.

I emphasize: and all this is completely without the participation of any magicians or family psychologists!

You can ask me: " What does this mean?! Does this mean that no family psychologists are needed?" I will answer this way: “This means that according to the laws of physics and dialectics, attraction and repulsion always have their balance: for absolutely any action there is necessarily some kind of reaction, for centrifugal force there is a centripetal force, against any tendency there is some other one. trend. Accordingly, nothing in the Universe was, is not, and never will be easy, linear and clearly expressed. Therefore, during any divorce, no matter what the reason, no matter what factors separate the spouses, some tendencies aimed at preserving the couple will certainly be included. I emphasize: definitely! And if a wife who is interested in preserving the marriage, at least in the slightest degree competently engages and uses tendencies aimed at preserving the couple, her chances of success will increase noticeably. These trends themselves are expressed in a whole sum of objective and subjective factors. I will list the main ones:

Objective reasons preventing divorce

• - Having children together, especially small ones. The presence of children acquired in previous relationships, but who have already managed to sincerely become attached to their marriage partner.
• — In the event of a divorce, one of the partners (or even both at once) has no living space to live.
• - Financial dependence of partners on each other or on relatives or friends of the family “half”.
• — Career dependence of partners on each other or on relatives or friends of the “half.”
• — Serious health problems in one of the partners (or both), their children or their close relatives. This includes the physical inability to have children with any other partner.
• — The presence of joint legal or financial obligations to third parties and organizations (debts, mortgages, participation in some government or private programs, registration of a business in the name of one of the partners or his (her) relatives, etc.).
• — Having a profession in which divorce (especially a scandalous one) is extremely undesirable can ruin all career prospects (officers, civil servants, politicians, public figures, etc.).

Subjective reasons preventing divorce

• — Love for children and responsibility for their future.
• — Emotional love attachment to a partner, preserved from the beginning of the relationship or arose during family life (this also happens).
• - Acute jealousy towards a partner. Especially if he (s) looks very good.
• — Excellent intimate compatibility in a couple, there is a real fear that a similar partner will be difficult to find. Or innate modesty and conservatism, excluding the very idea that someone else is possible in bed.
• — A habit towards a given person, developed due to long-term cohabitation, reluctance to fundamentally change one’s life.
• — Ordinary greed and envy: a fundamental reluctance for a partner, his connections, all his property, “acquired through backbreaking labor,” to go to someone else.
• — A unique set of shared experiences: such a sum of some bright, interesting, tragic or comic events in life that most people around them do not have. (In a couple, someone saved someone from something, people grew and learned together, went through some severe trials, etc.)
• — Feeling of shame in front of your own parents and/or your partner’s parents. Who either did so much for this couple, or immediately dissuaded their child from experimenting with his own biography in this marriage.
• — Feeling of shame in front of family friends or work colleagues (especially if both partners work in the same organization).
• — The presence of partners with common goals in life that have always united them. (For example: plans to move to another city or another country, create a common business, etc.).
• — The partners have common interests in life that have always united them. (For example: doing something sports, getting involved in some hobby).
• - Lack of confidence in oneself, one’s abilities to create new, more successful love and family relationships(related to age, children, finances, etc.).
• - Distrust of a new partner whose behavior seems problematic or suspicious.
• - Painful memories of past divorces or separations.
• — Sad memories about the divorce that his mother and father went through during this person’s childhood.
• — Rigid family values ​​and attitudes towards preserving the family at any cost, formed in a person due to the specifics of family, national and religious upbringing (most often - in combination).

And much more, both objective and subjective!

As you can see, a considerable number of factors are at work on the side of wives who want to save their family in the face of the threat of divorce! They have many opportunities for direct or indirect manipulation of an out-of-control husband. But this is where the big problem lies.. Many wives, who sincerely fight for their families, not only do not know and do not understand, which ones exactly methods of preserving the family can be used (and which ones are absolutely not allowed, such as threatening to take away the husband’s children), but in the heat of the moment they even further activate the mechanisms of destruction of their marriage. P In fact, they are cutting down their own family branch. Personally, this reminds me very much of the painfully well-known situation when a person wakes up at night to drink water, sneaks on tiptoe so as not to wake up anyone into the kitchen, but... on the way he touches and drops on the floor some inopportunely turned up pan, basin or musical instrument toy And suddenly such a loud sound is heard, from which everyone is sure to wake up! Including your neighbors who remember you with kind words!

So it is with the issue of divorce. In reality, having quite serious opportunities to save their family, many wives may not only not know what trump cards they have the opportunity to use, but also frankly worsen the whole situation with their clumsy and strategically incorrect actions. Which, formally, had a completely different focus...

This is where the usefulness of a competent family psychologist lies. Of course, it will not immediately create unprecedented harmony and an atmosphere of family idyll in your conflicting couple. However, being an external “evaluator” of the family, an objective judge for both partners, and at the same time an adviser (secret if one of the couple comes to the reception, open if both spouses come), an experienced family specialist is able to:

• — Reveal real reasons conflicts in a particular married couple, assess the degree of significance of the subjective and objective circumstances of what is happening.
• — Assess the very feasibility of preserving a given family, predict the likelihood of new, repeated, relapse attempts by a partner to leave the family.
• — Indicate to the partner interested in preserving the family exactly what arsenal of funds he actually has. How can you successfully use all this wealth?
• - Suggest this or that comprehensive methods of fighting for the family. One where you will know all your actions for several weeks and months in advance. Which will significantly improve your morale.
• — Check the correctness and sequence of activation of various useful buttons, levers and mechanisms aimed at ensuring the integrity of a given family.
• — To keep the panicking spouse from hasty and incorrect actions, which not only will not improve the situation in the family, but can also completely destroy it.

So now think for yourself whether it is worth or not to visit a family psychologist...

However, we digress. But we got distracted for a reason. I showed you that despite the suddenness of your notification of an impending divorce or leaving home for an incredibly beautiful mistress, you absolutely must not panic! After all, as soon as the front door slammed behind your departed husband, at the same time the forces, factors and circumstances just described above immediately began to work for you. In addition, it is not for nothing that divorce is legally correctly defined as “divorce proceedings.” Pro-ce-ss... Do you feel how leisurely the very word sounds...

The thing is, that most divorce filings(if the wife herself does not want a divorce) is filed in the magistrate's court. I emphasize: global! It's not called that for nothing. In practice, many judges deliberately delay time, striving for two to three months, or even six months, to pass from the filing of the application to the actual divorce, so that the conflicting spouses have the opportunity to think three more times: are they ready to jump into the Unknown after the termination of their marriage by decision judges, how did it seem to them before? Therefore, in practice, more than one month will pass between your husband leaving the family and the actual divorce.

H what do we have in total? You and I clearly understand that the divorce process lasts from one to several months, during which a wife interested in preserving her family can be helped by several significant objective and subjective factors and circumstances. From here it is obvious: the strategy for preserving the family in the face of the threat of divorce, if formulated, sounds like this:

In the event of a threat of divorce, the spouse who will preserve his family

that can use the largest possible number

leverage over your outgoing half during

minimally short time interval.

As you can see, no lyrics or magic, pure psychological science. Of course, not “E=MC squared”, as in physics, but still! Since the topic of family divorces can be scientifically and logically comprehended, understood and sorted out in order of technological sequence, then most often a lot can be changed! Sometimes even reverse the processes. But it is extremely difficult to change what you don’t understand, much less make it reversible. Here a person is forced to act at random, on a whim. More often than not, nothing works out here. Or one day accidentally it turns out, but the second time, as they say, “sorry...”. So, it’s better to go on the shelves... The only thing I would still do is make a significant addition to the above formula: “... At the same time, having a clear plan of action.”

The addition “...at the same time, having a clear plan of action” immediately puts everything in its place. When eliminating the real threat of divorce, you have to behave as if you were playing cards. Let's say you are very lucky and have four aces in your hands. However, you understand that if you play the game mediocrely, if you throw in your aces to force another player who is not playing for you to accept, if you simply fight back with them and then take all the little things from the deck, then all your gaming advantages will quickly end. This is how you lose in a seemingly win-win situation. Therefore, experienced players know: having aces and major trump cards at the beginning of the game, it is best to save all this until the very end. And if for this there is a need to supposedly “lose” even a couple of moves, to accept someone else’s cards, then this is not a tragedy at all, but only one of the steps towards subsequent victory.

Likewise, when eliminating the real threat of divorce, one should not use everything at once objective and subjective reasons preventing divorce. Most likely, one part of them is like aces in card game, they will successfully fight back, and against others, they will use their trump cards stored in advance... And that’s all! Game, as they say, is over. Therefore, as in the cards, there is no need to rush when saving your family. Remember:

If there is a threat of divorce, hurry up -

Make your family's ill-wishers laugh!

All your wealth of family trump cards should be used gradually, logically and interconnectedly, doing exactly the same as you do with cards, calculating the game and behavior of other players several moves ahead.

Why is everything so complicated when there is a threat of divorce? Why is it wrong and wrong to go on a frontal attack, pouring out tons of love and tenderness, or decibels of indignant screams and liters of compote on the departing family partner? Let me explain to you. The whole point is that family divorce, contrary to the prevailing opinion in society, is not a family matter at all. More precisely, it is only partly family, formally. And certainly, divorce cannot be called as it is often done in women's glossy magazines: “a matter of two.” Keep in mind:

Deciding on divorce, as well as the procedure itself

going through a divorce is always a collective matter!

Judge for yourself. What does divorce look like in reality? Let's say a certain man is dissatisfied with his wife. He considers her to be lack of independence in life, non-sexuality, excess weight, laziness in everyday life, uninteresting appearance, dependence on the opinion of her mother. The wife, in turn, is dissatisfied with her husband: his regular Friday nights out with friends, his sluggishness in solving the family’s household affairs, and the insignificant amount of time he spends with his family and child. The wife has been complaining about her husband to her parents, other relatives, and friends for years. Under the influence of her complaints, they tell her: “We warned you right away that you have no chance of a happy future with him!” This is how a certain general opinion is formed on the one hand. However, the wife, being in poor physical shape, having a child and living in her husband’s apartment, even agreeing with the general opinion that her marriage is a strategic mistake, is still forced to strive to save this family. Meanwhile, the husband, actively communicating with female colleagues at work, one day begins a love relationship with one of them. A fresh body, varied intimacy, combined with spiritual comfort (after all, a couple working in the same team always has something to talk about, and the man is freed from the hardships of everyday life), quickly drive a man crazy, he simply falls in love. The girl turns out to be very smart, so she diligently feeds the man delicious lunches and dinners, and her apartment (often rented) is always in perfect order and cleanliness. She spends educational work with their parents and friends, so that they would not frighten the man off with some harsh word, communicate with him as friendly as possible. Her mom and dad, her friends and their husband friends welcome the potential groom with open arms. Having started communicating with them, the husband experiences extraordinary pleasure: everyone respects him, takes into account his wishes and does not demand anything! (Of course, for the time being!) After several staged conversations “about the prospects of our relationship”, having melted from the girl’s charm, the man makes a decision “ husband left the family". He tells his wife that he wants to file for divorce, that he should live separately for a while, and immediately moves in with the girl of his dreams. This is how the intrigue begins around the possibility of divorce.

Thus, we see that, on the one hand, we have a smart girl plus relatives and friends purposefully helping her. On the other hand, there is an angry wife, slightly crazy from household chores and an unexpected misfortune that has befallen her. Her relatives and friends shout indignantly and joyfully: “Away with this traitorous bastard! Get him out of the apartment! Do not allow contact with the child! Take away his apartment, assign alimony and be done with it!” Sometimes, of course, they thaw and change their anger to mercy. They say: “It doesn’t happen to anyone! Men, all such males! Perhaps we can forgive...” However, their position is inconsistent and vague. The woman herself seems to not want to lose her husband, but she cannot tell others about this openly, because she is afraid of their misunderstanding and condemnation “for being excessively soft and spineless.” At the same time, the husband’s parents usually remain tensely silent. Of course, they would like to save their son's family. However, they understand that their adult son is unlikely to take their opinion into account. Plus, the son had already formed a bad attitude towards his wife, and the new young passion he introduced made the most pleasant impression. Therefore, in this ambiguous situation, not wanting to quarrel either with their son, or with the legal and actual owner of their only grandson - the current wife, or with his potential new wife, who in the future may give birth to more grandchildren, the husband's parents accept neutrality and refrain from any assessments and actions. The only thing is that they ask their son to think seven times before making the final decision. In this situation, the husband’s friends, if the mistress has been introduced to them for a long time, has firmly entered their company, has managed to build the right relationships with everyone, may end up on the side of the applicant, and not the wife. Having told the man: “Come on, don’t worry about leaving a child with your wife!” You only have one there! And with a new wife (especially a young one) you can have two or three more!” Or, just like parents, they will take a wait-and-see attitude. Which in this case is tantamount to the fact that friends contribute to the destruction of the family...

As a result, with general uncertainty and often outright hostility all around, the wife simply does not understand how to behave. Therefore, her mood changes more than a dozen times during the day. Meeting with her husband, she either fawns over him, trying to beg for sex, or angrily denounces his shameful behavior and throws his things from the balcony. Although he has already left home, but still has not yet fully decided, the husband also cannot understand her position in life. From here, he gradually develops the opinion that his wife is an extremely unpredictable and crazy creature who only cries, swears and fights, and should be kept away from her. As a result of the inconsistent and ill-considered actions of the wife, on the one hand, and the correct, mathematically verified actions on the part of the husband’s mistress, her friends and parents, the scales of the fugitive husband, for quite understandable and compelling reasons, are gradually inclined to admit that, having declared the need divorce, he did not get excited at all, he did exactly the right thing. Now the main thing is to complete what we planned and start a new one. happy life in the apartment of the woman I love.

This, or something like this, is what a real divorce looks like. The question arises, where is the notorious “solution of two”?! In practice, we see that when a husband leaves the family, the main decisions (and even the absence of decisions is also a decision) may turn out to be prepared or even accepted his lover, parents or friends. That is, formally outsiders to the family!

My husband left from the family, this always means that, although still invisible, very impressive forces have entered the battle. Ruthless, endowed with collective wisdom, life experience, motivated to go to the bitter end. In these conditions, the wife, most often, fights alone. And if you start acting thoughtlessly and chaotically, it will have the same consequences if you were put in a tank and thrown into battle without prior preparation. The machine seems powerful, but you don’t really know how to use its levers! While you are trying to pull all the levers, you will already be hit by any infantryman who sneaks up on you with a grenade. And another tank of equal value to you will no longer leave a trace of you. This is exactly how many families are destroyed: in some cases, the wife for too long underestimated the significance of her husband’s claims against her (primarily sexual ones), in others she underestimated the ability of his mistress and her entourage to make a good impression, and thirdly, she overestimated her own intelligence and will, in the fussy running around with magicians and psychics, I lost that precious time when I should have lost weight, changed my wardrobe and attitude towards sex, strengthened the child’s relationship with his departed father, herself with her husband’s parents and friends, learned to earn money herself, etc. And at this time the mistress was already pregnant...

Hence, if you find yourself in a pre-divorce situation, I recommend that a smart wife immediately do the following:

Five conditions necessary to preserve the family when there is a threat of divorce (the husband has left):

Condition 1. In the shortest possible time, a decision must be made about whether you really need your cheating or departed husband, whether you are ready to fight for him until victory, and how much you are willing to go to for this. And having decided this, stand firm on your decision, no longer changing your decision.

Condition 2. You have to assume that you don't know your husband well. Because at the moment of making the decision to leave the family (that is, specifically from you), your spouse is psychologically reborn, instead of his own, he becomes Another, or even a Stranger in general. Now your husband is not the same as he was just a few days ago. Accordingly, the logic of his behavior is now different, different from the one that was clear to you all these years of family life together. More often than not, it is not entirely adequate, or even completely inadequate. Especially if the person is in love with someone else. I remind you that love is a type of neurosis, and it is also a form of drug addiction, endorphin addiction. Demanding adequacy from a person in this state is very problematic. Therefore, in order to understand it, starting from rationalism is not always correct. It’s right to give him something, and take something away, to delicately complicate his life. Then he will be forced to somehow comprehend what is happening, to turn on his rationality.

Condition 3. It is important to a priori and immediately take for granted the following fact: those people who from now on influence your escaped, escaping or trying to escape family “half” are not fools at all. They, unlike your slightly deranged husband, clearly understand what exactly they want from him (and from you), how and when. Accordingly, in order to effectively resist their interference in your sovereign family affairs, you should be adequate in the square. Including being very critical of herself. Especially to your family behavior.

Condition 4. It's important to have a clear plan. That is, all your actions to return the escaped, escaping or trying to escape family “half” must be carefully thought out.

Condition 5. Do not do anything stupid, both in the process of family reconciliation that has already begun, and after the restoration of family life.

But most importantly, you should understand:

• The husband left - The first third of all departures are related to their own problems, where the husband is a complete womanizer, alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, bully, criminal, obvious parasite (etc.). I personally cannot recommend bringing such husbands home.
• The husband left - The second third of all departures is associated with the talent of the mistress, that is, the woman who was able to press the main buttons of male behavior - sex, stomach and pride, better than a wife.
• The husband left - The third third of the departures of all husbands is associated with those most serious mistakes in the behavior of the wives themselves, which either the applicants took advantage of, or they pushed the husband himself away from his wife.

Therefore, before starting the fight, understand which of the three groups specifically your husband’s departure from the family belongs to. I say again and again:

In the appearance of a husband’s mistress and his departure from the family

often it is not only the man and the mistress who are guilty,

but also his wife, who made serious mistakes.

Summarizing everything said in the first section, we can count fifteen typical mistakes in the behavior of wives of all Rus' (maybe the whole world):

Fifteen Wrong Things Wives Doprovoking husbands to cheat and, as a result, the husband left the family:

1. The husband directly accused his wife of cheating, or her behavior gave him too many reasons for jealousy (including communication on the Internet and regular SMS correspondence) -
2. The wife either could not satisfy her husband in the intimate sphere, or lost interest in this area, avoiding her husband’s caresses - and as a result, the husband left the family;

1. The wife frankly neglected her appearance, her husband no longer liked her as a woman - and as a result, the husband left the family;
2. The wife does not accept her husband’s child from a previous marriage (or relationship), which irritates him - and as a result, the husband left the family;
3. A wife cannot regulate the behavior of her own child from a previous marriage (or relationship), which is why openly hostile relations are established between him and her husband - and as a result, the husband left the family;
4. The wife directly or indirectly denies her husband the birth of a child. And it doesn’t matter: first, second or third. The main thing is that the man consciously wants to have one, but the wife, for some reason (fear of spoiling her figure, losing a quiet life, little money in the family, wife’s age, etc.) does not. — and as a result, the husband left the family;
5. The wife turned out to be an extremely bad housewife, the soup cooks for the whole week, the window sills are covered in dust, the curtains have not been washed for years, the husband goes to work without sandwiches and with torn buttons. (Thereby giving a signal to the surrounding women that he can be taken away. The logic here is simple: After all, if he cannot train his wife and does not leave her, then he is a weakling. Since he is a weakling, it means that by finding the right approaches to him, he can be assign to yourself.) - and as a result, the husband left the family;
6. The wife does not have common goals in life with her husband, is not interested in his work, and is completely occupied with her own affairs. For example, career, business, improving appearance, girlfriends, etc. Thus creating a vacuum in communication, making any girl attractive to her husband with whom there is something to talk about - and as a result, the husband left the family;
7. The wife and her husband do not have common interests in life: she does not need any hobbies, hobbies, active leisure (etc.). Hence, the wife does not accept the company of her husband’s friends and is their enemy. If the husband turns out to be an active person and not a homebody, and his wife is not around, then it is not surprising that girls who share his passion for some activity immediately become very close to him - and as a result, the husband left the family;
8. When a family lives with the wife’s parents (or with the husband’s parents, but on the initiative of the wife), the wife stubbornly does not notice that this is extremely uncomfortable for the husband and does not take any action to change this situation. For example, purchase an apartment with a mortgage, rent, etc. — and as a result, the husband left the family;
9. The wife is at war with her husband’s parents, does not communicate with them, opposes communication with them both her husband and grandchildren - and as a result, the husband left the family;
10. The wife became, if not a “crazy mommy,” then at least very close to this state. Moreover, the bad thing is not that all her thoughts are connected only with the child (this is precisely the norm), but that these correct thoughts take on the character of wrong actions towards her husband. The main problem is that the wife practically does not pay attention to her husband - and as a result, the husband left the family;
11. The wife is too dependent on the opinions of her parents, who intrusively interfere with her family. Or he harshly opposes his husband’s parents, from whom, in turn, he himself is in psychological and/or financial dependence —and as a result, the husband left the family;
12. The wife herself is problematic in her psyche: hysterical, alcoholic, drug addict, schizophrenic, depressed, prone to suicide, complete loneliness or, on the contrary, unbridled fun and alcoholism. and as a result, the husband left the family;
13. The wife is a cold and calculating bitch who does not have any warm feelings for her husband. Only systematically squeezes out of him all the money that can be squeezed out, mercilessly exploits him at home and at work - and as a result, the husband left the family.

In principle, already from this list it should be clear to you that the main task of a wife who wants to bring home a normal husband is as quickly as possible eliminate most of the above. However, there is a “but”. It is relatively easy to discover your mistakes in family behavior when the husband is still at home and not thinking about escaping. If this is your situation right now, you are very lucky. After all, you will be able to eliminate in advance the main prerequisites for your husband’s betrayal or his escape from the family. However, when your husband already has a mistress, or if he left you and filed for divorce, you have to act in much more difficult conditions. When not only your husband’s resentment acts against you, but also his passion for his desired passion, the calculating mind of his mistress and her entourage. In this case, it is important not only to know the mistakes you have made and how to correct them, but also what exactly processes are taking place in the mind of your husband, poisoned by the poison of hatred or love. Moreover, as my surveys of husbands who cheat and leave their families show, some of the above-described mistakes of wives form bizarre combinations in the minds of men. The typical mindset of a man cheating or leaving his family looks something like this:

In the head of a husband leaving the family in the interests of his mistressa complex sum of twelve factors works:

1. Various serious grievances and complaints against his wife (plus her relatives and social circle). The main ones are the following: Infidelity on the part of the wife, the presence of reasons for the husband’s jealousy (the wife’s vacation without her husband), overnight stays with parents or girlfriends after quarrels, abortions without the husband’s consent, refusals to marry him, forcible coercion of him to marry (including “ stray" pregnancy), the scandalous character of the wife, inciting the wife's relatives against the husband, her alcoholism, disgusting qualities as a woman, mother and housewife.
2. Feeling of pride for your lover: for her appearance, education, high career or social status (own or relatives)
3. Feeling of sexual attraction to your lover.
4. A feeling of jealousy towards your mistress, an acute fear of losing her.
5. The desire to receive the material benefits that the mistress has: apartments, cars, business, high income, etc. Or not to lose the money already invested in it.
6. A feeling of pride in having a child together with your mistress (if you already have a child) or a strong desire to have such a child.
7. The presence of everyday comfort when communicating with your mistress.
8. Having mental comfort when communicating with your mistress.
9. Having comfort in communicating with the relatives of your mistress. The opportunity for a mistress to build positive relationships with the man’s relatives.
10. The presence of comfort in communicating with the mistress’s social circle and/or complete acceptance of the mistress by the man’s own social circle.
11. A feeling of male moral responsibility (to his mistress, her relatives and friends, to himself) for the lies to his mistress, according to which “everything with my wife is already dead, our marriage is a formality, my leaving the family is a matter of the very near future... I’m waiting for the children will grow up a little..." Responsibility for the fact that what was promised, even after years of a secret love affair, still needs to be fulfilled, and therefore leaving the family...
12. A man’s sense of responsibility for the material maintenance of his mistress and (possible or existing) joint children, their physical and psychological health (including to her and their parents).

But don't panic! You have exactly the same lucky “dozen”.

In the head of a husband who has cheated or left the family, a complex sum of twelve factors also works in the interests of his wife.

1. Various grievances and complaints against the mistress (plus her relatives and entourage). The main ones are the following: infidelity on her part, the presence of reasons for jealousy (vacation without a lover), abortions without the consent of a man, refusals to marry him, forcibly forcing him to marry (including a “stray” pregnancy), the girl’s scandalous character, the problems of her relatives , her alcoholism, failure as a mother and housewife.
2. A feeling of pride in your wife: for her appearance, education, high career or social status (your own or relatives).
3. Residual feeling of sexual attraction to wife. Increases if the wife improves her appearance and character. Decreases if it continues to spoil.
4. A residual feeling of jealousy towards his wife, an acute fear of losing her.
5. The desire to preserve the material wealth acquired during the marriage: houses, apartments, cars, business, high income, etc.
6. A feeling of pride in children if they exist and are successful.
7. Availability of everyday comfort in the family. If this is the case.
8. Having peace of mind when communicating with your wife. If he is.
9. The presence of comfort in communicating with the wife's relatives and her ability to comfortably communicate with the husband's relatives.
10. Comfort in communicating with the wife’s social circle and/or complete acceptance of the wife by the man’s own social circle.
11. A sense of male moral responsibility (before his wife, her relatives and friends, and himself) for preserving the family. It exists in any case, but especially when the husband is more successful than the wife, or at least equal to her in social and financial status. The responsibility of unsuccessful husbands, as a rule, is only in words.
12. A man’s sense of responsibility for the material maintenance of his wife and children, their physical and psychological health (including to her and his parents). This is subject to the same laws as in the paragraph above.

At first glance, when building an optimal strategy for a wife’s behavior when her husband cheats or leaves the family, everything is as simple as shelling pears, as if in a nursery game “collect mushrooms in a basket”: The more factors, like points in a game, the wife collects, the faster the runaway husband will return back, the stronger the family relationship will be, the less likely there will be repeated relapses of the husband. The more factors the mistress collects, the faster the runaway husband who has fled to her will file for divorce from his wife, the stronger his connection with the new woman will be, the less likely his return to his ex-wife and children.

The trouble is that in practice, as in any real game, each participant in the exciting collection of points not only collects their own points, but also strives to take away others’. The wife is with the mistress, the mistress is with the wife. At the same time, her husband’s mother seeks to prove to her son that she can only be trusted, since all the women around him only want to use him for their own selfish purposes. Etc. and so on. In addition, in the heat of events and in view of the “rose-colored glasses” put on his eyes by Love, the husband is not always objective: he may not see the obvious advantages of his wife, but by mistake he may mistake the disadvantages that his mistress has for advantages. The wife’s position is also greatly worsened by three circumstances:

• - Firstly, over some time the wife gradually lost her factor points, and her mistress gained them. Moreover, this process itself was secret and little meaningful for the wife, but for an intelligent mistress it was obvious and purposeful. Hence, a mistress, especially a long-term one, often has a certain temporary head start.
• - Secondly, thanks to the frankness of her man, the mistress knows perfectly well the pros and cons of her wife, and the wife is usually in the dark about the strengths and weaknesses of her competitor. Often the wife knows little about her at all. Except for her gender, of course. If your husband is okay with his orientation.
• — Thirdly, mistresses almost always have preferences over their wives in age, appearance, attitude towards sex, etc.

However, this is again not a reason to panic. This is just a reason, given the partial opacity of the process of fighting for your family, to take absolutely all of these twelve factors as seriously as possible. Only this way:

The advantage of a mistress in time is a smart and persistent wife.

will always be able to turn into only a temporary advantage.

The following question logically follows from this: Which factors should a wife fighting for her husband especially emphasize? Exactly how many of them do you need to collect to snatch your husband from the passionate embrace of his mistress? It is extremely difficult to answer the first part of the question, since in the minds of men, depending on their age, life experience and needs, there are different priorities. Books I have written specifically can serve as a hint for you in this case:

• — “If your husband has left, and you want to return him back to the family”
• — “How to assess the strength of your marriage.”
• — “Familyquakes: what can threaten your marriage.”
• — “Quarrels over sex.” Intimate conflicts in the family.

They all directly say that ten points should first of all help an abandoned wife: her appearance, sex, children, issues of family property, the wife's prospects in terms of career and income, mental and everyday comfort created by the wife for her husband, relatives, friends, common goals and interests of the spouses and time itself, which returns the reasonableness of the wife and husband. They are the priority for most men. These are the main buttons that you need to press. Based on this answer to the first question, we can answer the second. The minimum figure required to defeat a mistress is to achieve superiority of the wife or at least her parity with her mistress in at least five of these points. To be completely confident in victory, a wife needs to score at least seven pluses on those factors that are important to a man. And the more there are, the easier it is for the wife.

So as not to confuse you at all and allow you to draw up a clear plan for a counterattack to actions mistresses I suggest you take a look at the table I compiled, where I have reduced the “lucky dozen” to a more understandable dozen of basic factors.

Table of objective assessment of women's competitiveness:

Determining factor man's behavior	The presence of this factor in a relationship with his wife	The presence of this factor in a relationship with his mistress
1.External data of a woman	_	+
2. A woman’s sexuality and the ability to cause jealousy
3. A woman's material achievements and her social status
4. The presence of children, the ability and desire to have and raise them
5. Mental comfort in communication	_	+
6. Household comfort, qualities of a woman like housewives
7. General goals in life	_	+
8. Common interests in life, leisure activities	_	+
9. Man's relationship and women with relatives each other	+
10. Man's relationship and women with each other's social circle
Total amount	5	8

Now you have a table in front of your eyes that evaluates objective indicators in a love triangle. It is noteworthy that the advantages of a mistress can be those factors that are not yet in sight (such as children and pride), which are possible only in the future. But the wife is harshly evaluated only for the past and present... In family psychology, everything is the same as in politics, where the current government is always criticized more than the candidates, but in the end they always vote for it better - as you can see, there is very little objectivity! Complete subjectivity!

Love and hate are always subjective.

Love does not love truth, hatred hates it.

If the husband does not have a mistress, then exactly according to the same scheme he will still evaluate his wife, only he will compare her with someone else from his environment. So take it into account and try to calculate your own pros and those holes and cons, which will be the gates leading to your husband’s heart for applicants. For clarity, the table was filled in approximately the same way as it usually looks in practice. When the wife should not be considered completely backward and neglected, but the contender-mistress, firstly, clearly has more points, and secondly, they are located in the right places - in the most significant positions for men. Let me remind you that to win you need to score at least seven pluses, and the pluses in lines 2-6 are especially significant. So lean on them! Turn your minuses into pluses, subtract the pluses from your mistresses, bring them to a minus value. Reading further from the chapter of the second - practical section of this book, you can simultaneously understand both what you should do for increase their point factors, and what is useful for decrease similar points-factors of the mistress. After all, your and her pros and cons are nothing more than communicating vessels, where the level of points on one side always somehow correlates with the points on the other side.

However, as already mentioned, this table reflects precisely objective options. Well, or almost objective, since different men’s ideas about their wife’s appearance, her success in life, sexual, economic and maternal qualities are very heterogeneous: what for one is the height of merit, for another is a mere trifle. But, alas: people are always subjective! What extremely interferes with building straightforward schemes for victory. Men's subjectivity in a particularly vivid form is hidden in those two points out of a dozen factors that I deliberately did not include in the table of the ten leading factors in assessing my wife.

1. Various serious grievances and claims against his wife and/or mistress (plus their relatives and environment in general).
2. A man's sense of moral and material responsibility to his wife and child/children for preserving the family. Noticeable if it was the man who initiated the creation of a family and the birth of a child/children. This is doubly noticeable if there are two or more children, or if the man comes from a family with strong moral or religious family foundations. But this is also accompanied by a similar feeling towards his mistress!

It is these two subjective factors, conditioned by a man’s upbringing and previous life, that are the individual lens through which a man views and evaluates that “lucky dozen wives and mistresses” given above. Let’s say the wife is generally great, has 7 or 8 pluses, but brought her husband to the registry office due to an unplanned pregnancy, earns so much money that she can feed herself and the child herself, and even recently had an abortion against her husband’s will. In this case, the husband can say goodbye to such a wife, who, in the opinion of everyone around her, was very, very worthy.

Or, for example, a wife can barely make it to four or five, but her husband himself once asked her to get married, she never gave serious reasons for offense, and earned little all her life, looking with hope only to her husband. In this case, a successful, wealthy and sexy mistress may well lose to her wife if she gives her lover a reason to assume that she is cheating on him with someone.

Etc. and so on. There are apparently and invisible combinations, and every woman - wife or mistress - has her own. Author's and unique. This is exactly what we, family psychologists, have to understand. Select the same original and unique schemes for achieving victory. But I’m sure that you already understand what I’m leading you to: In the process of a man making a decision about whom to marry (if there is no marriage yet, but there is a struggle between two competitors), or whether it makes sense to leave the family and create a new one marriage with a mistress, resentment is imposed on the exclusive set of characteristics of each woman this man and the degree of his responsibility for his own words and deeds. The dry mathematics of ten factors is based on feelings, emotions, sensations, experiences and the degree of responsibility. This is how the “lucky dozen for wives and mistresses” works in the minds of men. By the way, if a man is not responsible, then if he divorces and creates a family with his mistress, the likelihood of a new divorce will be even higher. But a very responsible man will have a lower likelihood of a serious extramarital affair and the fact that it will lead him to divorce.

Hence, from my point of view, overall strategy a wife who wants to save her marriage is extremely clear and consists of only five postulates.

Five postulates of a wife’s behavior when threatened - her husband left

1. Increase the number of your advantages, reduce the number of your mistress’s advantages.
2. Reduce the number of your minuses, increase the number of minuses of your mistress.
3. Inflate your husband's grievances for his mistress's misdeeds, extinguish the husband's grievances for his own mistakes.
4. Increase the degree of responsibility for yourself and your family, reduce the degree of responsibility for your mistress.
5. Show your husband external weakness, show inner strength and patience.

As you can see, nothing complicated. If you add the disadvantages of your mistress to your advantages and clearly prove to your husband that his mistress has seriously offended him in some way, victory will be yours. If you have mostly disadvantages, and your mistress has advantages, and you also irritate your husband by starting to kick him out of the house, setting children and relatives against him, then excuse me - you will be left alone, and the situation my husband left and you would like to return it back is not fixable.

Big note, or you may be unlucky!

This is the story of a real married couple who turned to me for advice. .Situation - My husband left. Love brought the partners together when Inna was 23 years old and Alexey was 26 years old. They were friends for a long time: they went to the movies, walked in parks, went out into nature, had fun with friends, and led a hectic intimate life. The guy is cheerful and promising, the girl is slim and hardworking. Everyone was already working. Alexey had a one-room apartment, bought by his parents. He felt quite comfortable. Inna rented an apartment, she was uncomfortable. She, on her own initiative, gradually moves to live with Alexei. He wants to get married, gives him hints accordingly. Alexey is in no hurry. Inna increases her pressure, demanding certainty. After her demonstrative and suggestive departure, Alexey proposes to Inna.

A family emerges to the accompaniment of Mendelssohn's waltz. At first, everyone benefits from living together. The girl now lives in her own apartment and has the official status of a wife. Alexey’s apartment is becoming cleaner, hot food is being prepared, and sex is happening more regularly. But over time, they begin to appear unpleasant for the husband of the marriage: the strategically correct policy of accumulating money to expand living space for future children, proclaimed by the wife, has its downside:

• - curtailing the cultural program outside the walls of the house (a cafe, in the wife’s opinion, is expensive, the husband does not need a gym, fishing is the same, let him play at home with the child!);
• - reducing the frequency of communication between the husband and friends;
• - depriving a man of the opportunity to freely handle his money;
• - clamping down on purely male dreams, such as buying an expensive car, fishing boat, snowmobile, etc.;
• - an increasing number of household tasks assigned to the husband;
• - a general narrowing of personally male initiative in life.

From the point of view of family psychology, all this is absolutely correct and extremely necessary for the further development of any family. Life is simple:

To get something, you first need to give up something.

In principle, Alexey was glad that the austerity regime allowed the couple, after three years of marriage, to buy a two-room apartment and a car for his wife. However, he was not very pleased that his wife had gained weight during the same time, became less proactive in her intimate life, and cut off communication with a group of friends, which was costly for the family budget. Nevertheless, for now he bravely endures everything, because he dreams of a child. When their daughter was born, Alexei was 32 years old, Inna was 29 years old. Inna’s mother, a pensioner, comes from a small town to help her daughter. She lived with the young people for about a year. During this time, Alexey quarreled with his mother-in-law. Inna, in turn, greatly strained her relationship with Alexei’s parents. Inna’s mother was escorted back a year later, but the bitterness remained. Having gained 15 kilograms during pregnancy, Inna lost almost no weight. Intimate life I was completely upset as a couple. What added to the problems was that, having given birth at a late age, Inna became a classic “crazy mommy”, overly attached to her child. She insisted that her daughter sleep in their family bed; Alexei now began to sleep in the living room on the sofa. Feeling out of place at home, Alexey began to stay late at work more often. This had a beneficial effect on his labor success. The diligent guy was noticed by his superiors, and he was made head of the department. There was an official reason to stay even longer at work. Since the absence of her husband in the evenings was compensated by the growth of family income and the accumulation of funds for a new expansion of living space, Inna took everything calmly. But in vain. Alexey turned 35 years old, Inna 32 years old, when the family moved into a four-room apartment. Inna went to work, lost a little weight, however, she never became an interesting girl. After several scandals, Alexey still insisted that the child move into the nursery, and the husband and wife slept together in the bedroom. However, in fact, he slept alone. As soon as the daughter whimpered in her sleep, the wife immediately went to sleep with her daughter and spent the night there until the morning. After some time, the husband gave up on all this, no longer pestering his wife with hints about weight loss and sex. The fact of abortion, which Inna notified her husband about after it was completed, caused an even greater split in the family. Alexey was very upset by this. The boss's long delay in the office after work was noticed by unmarried girls from his organization. Two of them, 26-year-old Svetlana and 28-year-old Lyubov, began to woo him. They brought homemade pizza and pancakes to the boss for lunch, and regularly asked for his help in some of their minor problems. Of course, invented as a formal occasion for informal communication. For:

Even informal communication requires a formal occasion.

The more experienced Lyubov won the competition, having already had the experience of getting married at the age of twenty, having kicked out her drinking husband three years ago (by taking away his hotel). She had her own two-room apartment, taken on a mortgage, and a car. Sexually hungry Alexey easily went intimate with her. She also began going fishing with him and fit in well with his group of friends. From now on, all the main interests of a man, except for the child, were outside the family. Wife Inna did not notice any changes in her husband’s behavior, since her daughter went to school, her mother’s number of household chores increased. In addition, Inna herself began to make a career at work and began to enjoy the growth of her own life opportunities.

When Alexey turned 40 years old, Inna was 37 years old, the wife, for the sake of decency, asked her husband: will they have another child? But in the conversation that took place, she answered herself that this was inappropriate. The couple's careers are developing, their relationships with their grandmothers are complicated, it's time to save money for an apartment for their growing daughter, and they desperately want to travel around the world, and not to circle around the house with a stroller. Alexey remained silent, as he was thinking about the child from Lyuba. Two years later, the couple bought a one-room apartment for their twelve-year-old daughter. Alexey learned to hide part of his income from his wife, helped Lyubov pay off the mortgage on her apartment, added money for her to buy a new car, and became friends with her child. Lyubov began intensively talking about how, at 32 years old, she was ready to give birth to a son to Alexei, without even forcing him to file for divorce. Naive Alexey believed in the success of this scheme. He was very impressed that he could avoid an official divorce and still have a second child. What he really dreamed about.

It can be assumed that Alexey would have left his wife beautifully (leaving her a large apartment) as soon as Lyubov gave birth to his child. However, three factors played a role here. Firstly, Lyubov, who had already had two abortions (from other men), could not get pregnant. Secondly, another girl who recently came to work in his organization became interested in Alexey. Marina was 25 years old, she was young and beautiful, she did not have her own home, but she turned out to be very efficient and sexy. Having proven her professional abilities, she pushed the less competent Lyubov aside, interested Alexei, and easily responded to his advances. When intimacy was established between them, the girl launched a powerful attack on the boss. Thirdly, Inna read one of Marina’s tender SMS, specially sent to Alexei late in the evening to give the necessary signal to his wife. A scandal broke out at home, for which Alexey had not yet had time to fully prepare. His problem turned out to be that he still didn’t know who he was going to go to: to Lyubov, who had already been tested over the years, or to the more recent Marina.

To take a break, Alexey notified the tenants of the apartment bought for his daughter so that they could move out, and he himself began to pack his things. However, during this time he was attacked by his parents, daughter and wife, and his heart trembled. Plus Lyuba and Marina, sharing the skin of an unkilled bear, started an ugly fight between themselves right at work, pushing the man away from both of them at once. Alexey went to negotiations with his wife, and came to me for a consultation with her. This family was saved. Only the salvation of this couple is not at all the merit of the wife, but rather the result of the mistakes of both contenders. Not having much material self-interest, Love dragged out the process of taking a man away from the family too long. And Marina, who was in a difficult financial situation, on the contrary, too forced the attack on Alexei’s family. In the end, fortunately for Inna and her daughter, both lost... However, as a specialist, it is clear to me that if Inna does not lose weight, increase her sexual activity and give birth to a child, family prospects will be very shaky...

What is the moral of this situation? Wife Inna was just lucky! You may not be so lucky. Therefore, you should think about everything in advance, and act only according to a clear plan.

I wish that the “husband left” situation never arises in your family!

Remarque

I really want you to understand: Divorce is not fatal! Fatality is stupidity, laziness, panic, haste and selfishness.

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Problems with husbands sometimes arise out of nowhere. It seemed like there was a normal family, they lived according to the rules, without quarrels: home, work, children... And here it is on you: you packed up and left. Why? [discussion]

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This question torments many abandoned wives. Men explain everything by routine. But this sounds somehow unconvincing. But there is one pattern - the age of prodigal husbands. Most often, they part with their family and start a new one at about 30, around 40 - 45 and 50 years old.

Psychologist and sexologist Inna Chori claims that these are critical years for men. At these three ages, some of them have a strong desire for change. But if your husband is dear to you, you can prevent his departure, the psychologist is sure.

28 - 32 years

Stop liking skinny people

Irina and Evgeniy got married when they were both 23 years old. At 25, Ira gave birth to her first child, and at 28, her second child. She stayed at home with the children and didn’t go out; Zhenya worked a lot. And he made very good money. When the youngest turned one year old, Zhenya packed his things and, saying that he would support the children, went to live with his parents. He came once a week, bringing food and money. And he left again.

Eh, Irina didn’t know what the psychologist told her later at the training - at about thirty men’s erotic views can radically change. Instead of brunettes, they begin to like blondes, instead of skinny ones - plump ones. And his proposal to gain weight (lose weight), change your color, change your clothing style should be taken very seriously. Listen to wishes and agree to changes.

Exactly, he asked several times: “Ira, maybe you can grow your hair? Maybe you should change your hair color? A light one would suit you... Let's go buy you a dress...” I didn’t pay attention: short hair is more convenient, but a dress is uncomfortable when you’re walking with two kids, jeans are much more practical, Ira later recalled.

She heeded the coaching advice. The gray crew cut on her head was replaced in a few months by a still short, but already blond bob, dresses with a neckline, the right bras and moderate heels were bought. In general, it blossomed. I called recently and shared: my husband is back, everything is fine.

By the way, you will have to change at least outwardly for the rest of your life in order to deceive male polygamy.

Men, they are designed like this: I changed my dress and shoes - it’s something else, I changed my hairstyle, I switched on the playful mood - that’s it, new woman in his house,” the coach assures.

35 - 45 years

I'm still damn young!

At this age, a man re-evaluates what he has achieved.

The first signs of this condition are that a man changes his behavior, says the psychologist. - He starts to look younger, updates his wardrobe and perfume, starts listening to different music in the car. Casanova syndrome kicked in. It is now important for a man to prove that he is still very, very good in every sense! And his wife, unlike other ladies, no longer looks at him with admiration... Do not miss this call under any circumstances! Get young with him! Spend everything with him free time, don't leave alone. If you don’t want to lose your man, agree to his erotic fantasies, or even role-playing games. And keep in mind - almost no man is able to leave the family if his wife does not let him go!

Here are my friends - Misha and Lena. At the age of forty, Misha - a financier, a respectable family man and the father of two children - suddenly became interested in a work colleague, a young and cheerful young lady. And he told his wife Lena during a family dinner with cutlets: that’s it, I’m leaving, I’m tired! And he even slammed his fist on the table.

But he didn't leave. There is no second apartment, but Lena did not kick her out of the existing one. She looked at him with longing and grieved for a good year. And then suddenly I started organizing my personal life. And I got so carried away that Misha later told me:

It's like she was replaced. Laughs all the time. I used to walk around the house in a robe, and if I had to go to the store, I would wear sweatpants and sneakers. Now I'm always on parade. She likes someone...

In general, Misha is worried now. Looking for opportunities to “start over” with the new Lena. And Lena thinks whether she needs the old Misha.

What about talking?

This age is the simplest from a psychological point of view. The children have grown up and the nest is empty. It’s time to strike a balance, understand what you have achieved, because even if your career moves forward, it will be at a crawl, not like it was at thirty.

At this age, sex is no longer in the first place for men. Spiritual intimacy is more important to them. And if the wife has become family, if she has become a friend, the man most likely will not leave her, even if he is in love with a young woman. It’s scary to lose stability, domestic and psychological as well. But if kinship is not achieved, alas, the man does not see the point in such a family, explains Inna.

What if a wife finds out about cheating at this age? I saw a couple of acquaintances like this on vacation. Valya read her lover’s message while Sergei was taking a shower. It was at the beginning of summer, in Cyprus, on the day of the 25th anniversary of marriage - such a marriage that everyone seemed indestructible. I cried for a month and wore sunglasses, hiding the circles under my eyes. He hovered around like a moth: “Valyusha, maybe some water? Valyusha, maybe I should give you an umbrella, ultraviolet radiation is so harmful!”

It’s too late for me to care about youthful skin! - she said sarcastically in response.

A couple of months have passed. Valya underwent a course of psychotherapy - she was taught how to forgive her husband. The marriage seems ideal again on the surface. After all, Valya still loves Sergei. Sergei has become silky, rushes home after work, promises to take him to Cuba next spring.

In general, indeed, in all couples where the man did leave the family, there was a moment: the wife herself let go. And those wives who returned the prodigal to the family understood that when she got married, she went on the warpath. And the wealthier and more successful the husband, the tougher the war will be.

READERS' OPINIONS

This material has already collected more than 1,500 responses on our website. Here are some of them.

Tatiana:

I have a similar situation. The husband approached the first milestone. Gone. He hasn't lived for a month now. He says he can't be with me. Hard. She says I have to change. At the same time, he doesn’t want to work on himself, his complaints are only against me. I also don’t like a lot of things, to which he told me - I got married, so be patient.

Georgy:

It was generally accepted that men change after marriage, there is no courtship, flowers, sweets, movies and theaters, etc. I think that the point is often not in the man, the point is that the woman herself begins to consider all this nonsense and a stupid waste of money, oh which is what he tells his husband. The program point is completed, the box is ticked as a stamp in the passport, we move on to another point, career, children, apartment, dacha, car... And then surprise and tears, he left for someone else or he doesn’t pay attention to me at all. Don’t change yourself, remain a bride, and your husband will be the same, he will look after you and give flowers!

Simple Russian man:

To prevent a man from wanting to leave a woman, two factors must be met:

1) A man must marry her BY HIS ardent DESIRE (and not by hers).

2) A woman should not get on a man’s nerves.

And all other factors (the presence or absence of an attractive appearance, the ability or inability to run a household, the presence or absence of children, etc.) do not matter to a man and cannot deter him.

Yaroslav, 29 years old:

I approached the first line. It can be hard at times. A lot has changed, goals, views, tastes. I have a car, an apartment, a good job. We live normally. I often spoil my children and wife. But my wife became cold towards me. He says that he loves me and cannot live without me, but there is less and less intimacy. It's a shame, all sorts of bad thoughts come to mind. Often depressed, fear appeared. You can't get rid of thoughts so easily. She is young and beautiful. The hostess is excellent. Of course, I value her because I love her. But without intimacy, it’s hard to be married. I feel something is wrong. And what? What to do next? Pretend everything is fine? Just hang in there and see what happens? But this is a lie! And lying to yourself and your family is the last thing.

Men in Lately are positioned in various women's programs as brainless pet animals that women must endlessly please, come up with something to keep them, interest them, etc. And what about the men themselves? Rarely do any of them fight for their woman; they believe that since she married him and has children, then she will not go anywhere.

Guest:

She lived with her husband for 30 years. Conclusions: 1. Everyone changes, everyone, believe me. 2. If you want to leave, there’s nothing you can do to stop him, but, as a rule (according to statistics), women are the first to file for divorce, and by the way, they often regret it later. 3. Why change for soap, your own is already native, and a new one will come - a stranger, you still need to get used to him, and will he find a common language with children (if there are any). 4. Who said it would be easy? Family is daily work, if you don’t learn to maneuver, not notice, forgive, endure, you will live alone, and whoever likes what, let him choose for himself.

Masha:

I wonder why it’s always the woman who has to do everything?.. I’ve been married for almost 40 years and now I don’t understand what I liked about him then? But I still love my husband, we are already like family, and I don’t understand how I could leave him! And men at 30, 40, 50, etc... leave anyway, if only there was a reason! Either I wanted to be younger, or something else didn’t suit me. When I was 30 years old, I started having virtual crushes, but it all happened before my eyes, in the same company, so I was able to stop it all! You know how, I just made all his friends fall in love with me! And he showed his love in all its glory! And he understood everything very quickly! And on my 25th wedding anniversary he said that I was the best... in every way! So know how to stand up for yourself!

Lapulya:

My dear one began to cheat on me at 33 with a young woman (even as a child - she was 23). I cried, begged him to come to his senses - but no... He deceived her, said that he had abandoned her, I, naturally, believed. And then she pulled herself together, began to take care of herself and... found herself a lover 7 years younger. My husband goes to hind legs- whatever one may say, they feel it.

Let's discuss!

When a couple builds their relationship, no one assumes that such beautiful love It may someday end that the feelings will cool down, and a breakup or divorce may occur. Of course, not every relationship ends in separation; many couples live happily together and celebrate golden, pearl and other anniversary weddings. This does not mean that, having lived 50, 60 or more years together, the spouses never fought. Surely, they fought, maybe even broke up, but they found the strength to forgive each other. And so... The husband left the family.

My husband left the family: why does this happen?

Most often, a man leaves because he no longer has anything in common with his wife, except, perhaps, children and an apartment purchased during marriage. At the beginning of the relationship, there were joint trips to the cinema, theater, exhibitions, sporting or entertainment events. We discussed what we saw together. We traveled together and shared our impressions. This united and strengthened the marriage. Over time, the couple either settled at home and silently watched talk shows or the news in the evenings, or each began to entertain themselves in the company of their friends. And then a woman appears who is ready to watch the films that a man likes, go to football or fishing with him, read the books that he advises her. And on top of that, this woman gives fresh sexual impressions and looks different from her wife - new, unusual. And then the man decides to break up. Even if he does not leave for a woman who shares his interests, he will leave a woman who is not interested in him.

An unkempt woman also repels a man. He remembers her beautiful, blooming, when he invited her on dates, he is now surrounded by equally beautiful and elegant women, and at home his wife walks around in an old faded robe, with curlers on her head and a monstrous-looking film mask on her face. Any woman should have a robe and an apron hanging in her kitchen at home, which she puts on while cooking and takes off immediately after finishing her culinary exercises. You should have the same robe for the duration of cleaning. The rest of the time, a woman’s task—for herself, for her husband, and for her children—is to look neat. The stores sell cute house dresses and suits. Purchasing a pair of dresses will not ruin a family, but will decorate a woman. Curlers and masks should be used when the husband is not at home. An unkempt woman, smelling of bleach or fried onions, in a wrinkled robe and with bitten nails does not arouse not only sexual desire in a normal man, but even the desire to be near her.

A masculine woman looks just as unattractive. Unisex clothing is fine for working out at the stadium or gym, but men like women who look like women, not like asexual beings. The masculine habits of women have a repulsive effect on a man. Normal man does not feel the desire to communicate with a woman who is similar to a man in appearance or manners.

Another reason for a man leaving the family is the wrong model of relationships. Most often, a woman begins to play the role of a mother. She takes care of her husband, takes care of him not with the respectful care of a wife, but with the comprehensive care of a mother for the baby. The common joke that a married woman has a child born to her and born to her mother-in-law might be funny if there weren't so many divorces because of such a model. Women have a hard time letting their children, especially sons, into adulthood, even though they are already approaching thirty. And they count their men among their children. Such an extremely caring woman does not have a full life of her own; she lives other people’s lives and prevents her loved ones from moving forward.

A woman’s desire to remake a man, to adapt his character and temperament to her needs, to decide for him what to do, what to do around the house, where to go to work, with whom and how to spend the weekend, has a detrimental effect on relationships. This reason follows from the above.

One of the reasons why men leave is also unfulfilled sexual potential. Even with a man’s normal physiological needs, he cannot always be fulfilled with his wife, especially when her potential is lower, or she was brought up in the tradition of “a decent woman does not need this.” If this is the reason for leaving, then such a woman will lose all the men with whom she tries to build a family, since a normal married life will be greatly hampered by the complexes she received in childhood. This also includes routine and monotony in intimate life.

It is unacceptable to insult a man or humiliate him, especially in public. In private, spouses can express their dissatisfaction with each other, but they cannot take their troubles out into society.

Sometimes men leave seriously ill wives and children. They generally do not cope well with long-term psychological stress, and in cases where the situation drags on and no positive result can be expected (in case of irreversible paralysis of the wife, the birth of a child with Down syndrome or severe cerebral palsy, for example), men leave the family, turning away from the problems. A sick woman cannot look beautiful and attractive to a man. You can condemn him as much as you like for vile betrayal, but if life seems unbearable to him, he will leave.

The absence of children is not often an independent reason for a man to leave the family. But the birth of children against the will of the husband is a serious reason for him to reconsider his attitude towards his wife. The decision to have children should be mutual. It is completely unacceptable to become pregnant “out of spite”, from the consideration that “it’s time”, “mom wants grandchildren” and from other infantile positions. Pharmacy offers the widest selection of contraceptives, so to speak of pregnancy as “accidental” means admitting your own illiteracy and irresponsibility. A mother with many children has the same chances of preserving a collapsing family as a childless wife, and perhaps even less.

Another reason for the husband’s leaving the family is a discrepancy in fundamental issues. A supporter of active recreation and a lover of lying on the beach for two weeks in a row will not be able to be equally satisfied with their vacation: one will not have enough exercise, the other will get tired. A lover of quiet family evenings with tea and a soul of company with the habit of meeting with friends every weekend will not mutually understand each other. It is also unlikely that a connoisseur of the traditional family model and an adherent of so-called open relationships will be able to agree.

Sometimes negative relationships with relatives greatly spoil marriage relationships. When parents pit their son or daughter against their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, this will sooner or later undermine the foundation of a young family. If the conflicts are open and accompanied by scandals, then the breakup will happen faster. The only way out is to move away from the older generation and limit contacts with them to the necessary minimum.

What to do if your husband leaves the family?

What should a wife do at first if her husband leaves the family? First you need to soberly (that is, soberly) assess the situation. If the husband left for his mistress, then most likely it is not worth returning him, even if he himself wants to return. The shadow of a strange woman will accompany a return marriage for a long time; it will be very difficult for a wife not to be jealous of her husband and not to suspect him of another betrayal when he is late from work home, a call from an unfamiliar woman, or the slightest alienation from his husband.

A woman needs to take advantage of the pause in a relationship and re-evaluate her appearance, her behavior in the family, her ability to run a household, her attitude towards her husband, in the end. If the reason for a man’s departure is any of the above, then measures must be taken to correct the situation, since shortcomings in the listed areas will hinder the restoration of previous relationships and the building of new ones.

It is worth increasing the time and attention given to children. She is having a very hard time with her father leaving home and needs her mother's support and sympathy. No matter how the relationship between adults develops, the children of their union need both parents.

What should a woman do if her husband left her?

If your husband has left for another woman, then let him go and let go of the situation psychologically. Don’t chew on grievances, don’t reproach yourself, don’t think about what would have happened if... You just need to continue to live and be ready for dialogue with ex-husband, and to new relationships with other men. A dialogue with the departed husband must be maintained if there are common children, a common business and other connecting threads. It's rare, but it happens ex-spouses remain friends.

The main thing is not to try to repay your husband in kind by starting an affair to spite him. In general, you should not do something that you will be ashamed to remember later.

If the husband has gone “nowhere,” then there is a high chance of restoring the relationship with him. You can’t bother him with letters and calls, watch him along the way and come to him without an agreement. You can write once and wait for a response. Or call with a request to meet and talk. You should behave calmly, not become hysterical or create scandals: after all, because of hysterics and scandals, your husband may have left.

You should not interrogate your husband, bombarding him with questions about the reasons for the separation. He probably won't be able to formulate his own arguments.

How to explain to children why dad left?

There is no universal recipe that can be followed when a child constantly questions about his father’s departure. You need to start and individual characteristics child. Someone is mentally strong and can accept an answer like “dad fell in love with another woman and will live with him” or “dad decided to live separately, but you can always see them.” And someone is not ready for all the difficult truths and needs to be given incomplete answers. An impressionable child with an unstable psyche can be told that dad will live separately for some time or that dad needs to solve certain problems, so now he is not around. Children with a vulnerable psyche should not be loaded with harsh words like “never”, “forever” and others. The child must still have hope for change. After all, my mother also has such hope deep down in her soul.

It's absolutely impossible

• Prohibit the child from seeing his father;
• Tell your child how bad life was with dad;
• Insult and humiliate the father in the eyes of the child;
• Blackmailing the father with children like “if this and that, you won’t see the child”;
• Tell your son or daughter about your parent’s love affairs;
• Forced to call mother's lovers dad;
• Prevent the father from participating in the child's life.